AdamAnnapolis

Lila

2011-10-06T17:07:00.002-04:00

The dog posing in the photo above is Lila Elegenze Beyonce 8tit Shaker Richman.

Lila's early life was not easy. I don't know the details, but she was apparently abused by some incredibly awful human being(s).

Lila came into my family's life when my sister Julie brought her home from a shelter in the early 2000s. My sister and I had a house in Cape St. Claire that we shared with Julie's big beagle/hound Buster.

Lila looked like a tiny, female version of Buster. Buster handled the new arrival with his usual quiet cool. He didn't really seek out Lila for fun and games, but he didn't exactly push her away when she cleaned out his ears/eyes. (Julie claimed that Buster had a passive aggressive resentment towards Lila, and it would manifest itself late at night, where Buster would sneak into the living room, tighten his anus, and squeeze out tiny shits that would make it look like Lila was being bad. This theory is still my favorite in the history of theories.)

Lila was a nervous, shaking wreck for months after she became part of our lives. Knocks on the door, sudden movements, people outside, and visitors would have her either barking or shaking and squatting. It took her a month or two to get to where she didn't bark when I walked in the room.

She warmed up to me. And did she ever.

I don't even remember how smooth the transition was, but Lila went from being completely terrified of me to being my overprotective crazy whore bitch. Women that came over and sat next to me on the couch were often pissed on by Lila. She scared them all away.

On days when I was doing nothing but watching TV (which was often back then), Lila would climb up on the couch, sit next to me, and lick my elbows with a furious passion. Lila's head would turn from side to side as she licked my (apparently delicious) elbows. She would maintain eye contact the whole time. She was like a porn star, but she was a dog, and these were elbows, not penii. It was incredibly entertaining to my sister and I. (Buster always turned the other way or closed his eyes)

When I wasn't getting my elbows cleaned/drenched in LilaSaliva, I'd fire up some microwave popcorn for myself to devour while I sat on my ass and watched even more television. Lila would inevitably climb onto the couch, sit next to me, look politely into my eyes and wait for me to offer her a piece of popcorn. I'd give her one, eat some myself, feed Lila some more, and it was like being in a movie theater. Man's best friend.

The fact that Lila loved popcorn was funny, because she didn't really like her dog food, didn't really eat snacks, didn't like walking on tile or cement, etc. She was neurotic alright, but over the years, we've learned that her neuroses are nuanced...She would act all dainty when we tried to get her to walk on tile to get from one carpeted surface to another, lifting her paw in the air, teasing the ground surface to make sure it was safe for a few minutes, before sprinting across to get to the comfort of the carpet.

One night, Julie caught a glimpse of the real Lila, who was standing and casually walking on the tile when she thought no one was watching...(when she saw Julie, she scrambled to the carpet and got in LilaSquat position.)

I eventually got my own apartment, but would often come back to visit Julie, Buster and Lila. Buster would say hello and then chill, Julie and I would hang out, and Lila was right back on my attention needing elbows the whole time.

Julie, the dogs and Jonas--my brother from another--moved to Chicago about 5 years ago, which was very difficult for me. Luckily, Lila found another man in Jonas, and Jonas opened her up to another side of her personality. Jonas regularly gives Lila mohawks and mullets. Sometimes, he shaves her completely. Lila doesn't seem to mind, and in fact, SHE LOVES IT.

Buster's health deteriorated and he passed away this past winter. This dog was there with my sister through thick and thin, more than I was. He was wonderful.

Lila didn't take to her new "only child" status too well. She was scared. She would cry out loudly when no one was home. Julie decided to take her to Doggy Day Care, so that the neighbors wouldn't complain anymore.

Lila, the nervous wreck, shockingly embraced Doggy Day Care as if it was her own Hedonism Resort. Julie peaked into the main room after dropping the girl off, and Lila was prancing around the other dogs, flirting, and eventually getting gang raped. Lila came home exhausted from her Jasmin St. Clairesque Doggy Day Care marathon. The powers that be at Doggy Day Care seperated the big dogs from the little dogs to avoid any violence. Lila, the 10 lb. slut, was a size queen. She stared longingly at the big dogs, wanting some Dobermanplay.

We just found out that Lila has bladder cancer, and she doesn't have much longer.

I am hurting right now, because I might not get to see her to say goodbye.

I am hurting more for Julie, who has had a really hard year in the pet department after Buster's passing.

And I am hurting for Lila, who I hope, as things get worse, doesn't suffer anything like the imaginary traumas that made her who she is.

I've loved all of the dogs that I've had in my life: Marty, Buster, Tallulah, Raoul...I love Denise's cat Gunter/Blanche (the dual names is another story for another time), I've (sort of) loved my cat Diogenes (he HATED my family), I've loved my hamsters Larry and Stan (although I didn't love them enough to realize that the sun coming through the skylight would roast them to death), I loved my fish, NoNoYesYes (even though he committed suicide by tossing himself out of the fish tank in 1978)...I've loved them all...but Lila means more to me than most people in my life.

I love this dog so much.

The Mall Pt. 1

2011-10-01T09:46:00.003-04:00

I'm in an abandoned 80s small town mall. The stores don't have names, per se, just lists of the products they sell...PIZZA, CANDY, DOLLS, NEWS, etc.

It smells like 1981. I feel like 2011.

Everyone looks dirty.

The boys all have peachfuzz moustaches and camouflage bandanas wrapped around their heads. The girls all have Esprit clothing, pink lip gloss, and Molly Ringwald hairdos, which are available for $4.50 at HAIR SALON.

There's a boy standing next to me, looking up at me. He asks me to explain everything. The boy is the 1981 version of me, but with a 2011 brain.

"What is RECORD STORE?", he asks.

I explain to him that they sell music.

He wanders in, grabs REO Speedwagon's Hi Fidelity LP and laughs at how large it is.

"How do you listen to these things? Are they computers?? Do you really get every song on here for $4.99??"

I try to explain the whole vinyl etched groove thing, and I end up confusing both of us.

As we walk out, 6 year old Adam turns to the clerk and yells "Fuck REO Speedwagon in it's vaginal asshole!"

I like this kid's style.

(Next: I have to explain to him that the Jordache Look was actually appealing.)

MORE CORN PORNER (PORE CORN MORNER?) TOP GUNS REVIEW CONT. (CUNT.?)

2011-05-05T22:12:00.011-04:00

After being fucked to sleep by Boo at the bar, the male Private is forced to stand naked in front of his commander...who is not amused. The shame!

Next up, we see the men in their locker room, ready to head out and fly around and do stupid war game-y shit...one dude returns to grab his helmet...and much to his surprise, who should appear but HOLLYWOOD! Hollywood asks him: "Do you believe in deep burning sexual attraction? You know the kind you can only describe as...primal? Uncontrollable? Real?" in a cadence that sounds like she's reading copy for a shampoo commercial..."Do you hate dandruff flakes? You know, the kind that change the color of your black shirt? Powdery? White? Flaky?".

You know the voice.

Anyway, shocker of all shocks, she has come to seduce this big dumb goof. And he really is a big dumb goof. Or at least a good actor playing a big dumb goof. She hands him her panties, and tells him to think of her when he feels attraction...She is about to walk out, but says "Oh I forgot one thing"...and grabs him and kisses him...this, while not at all vulgar or sexually unusual, is an incredibly hot move. Next time you are about to leave a room, try it out on someone in the room. I double dare you to take the physical challenge. The music is a sax filled knock off of Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" from the Original Soundtrack of Top Gun.

Hollywood is played by an actress named Kayden Kross, who looks a bit like Stacy Kiebler. I went to college with Stacy Kiebler by the way.

But enough about me.

Let's talk about Kayden "Hollywood" Kross, because she is about to steal the whole f'n movie.

While Private Dumbass performs the mouth sex on her, we witness Hollywood go into an incredible trance where her voice gets really soft, and she talks dirty a mile a minute. Because she is barely audible, all that can be heard are the occasional excited stream of consonents and vowels. At some points, it sounds as if she is rapidly, quietly, naming the items on her grocery store list in some bizarre form of ecstatic whispering/speaking in tongues. {"oregano, klondike bars, glad trash bags, oh my god i need them, i need to get superpretzel, fanta, pollyo string cheese, virginia baked ham....oh god OHHHH"} This is fantastic, because we know that she's not going through the motions and faking it. Porn is her religion, and she is getting all Southern Baptist, sexually speaking. {"Alpha bits, tender vittles, popsecret, charmin, laura's lean ground beef oh fuck me with your yoplait, pam spray OHGOD OHGOD OH YES"} Sometimes, her mouth moves and no sound comes out. This woman has singlehandedly taken over the movie. This is akin to Michael Jackson moonwalking for the first time at the Motown 25 show. Things will never be the same again after seeing it. {"Bacon bits, alpo, weekly world news, suave shampoo, grape nuts ohyesyesyesYESYES"} She returns the mouth favor to him (yawn...after her showing, I want to hear more of her rapid whisper crazy talk...blowjobs serve only to silence her!) The car horn sound effect from the classroom sex scene makes a random return again. Lots of traffic in Miramar, apparently. We get some hard doggie, which leads to more awesome Kayden Kross whisperbabble. Also, in a brilliant little touch, Hollywood bites into her own bicep while taking the pounding.

Kayden assumes the reverse cowgirl position, and her dogtags bounce as she babbles inaudibly in between sexual hyperventilating. "Ineedthisineedthisineedthisineedthis", says Hollywood, in an uzi-like whisper. (If it seems like I'm dwelling too much on this woman's technique, screw you, you haven't seen it. It's stellar.)

The two lovebirds finish up in the one ankle on his shoulder position. "Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck", says Hollywood...also "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit". He then finishes on her face. Scene.

Because Dumbass missed his flying routine, he and his flying buddy get DQ'd from the competition by the Australian Commander.

Bandit and Hollywood are informed that they are tied for the lead. How does this class/school work? Is it a fucking game show? Why are they competing against one another? Anyway, Hollywood wishes Bandit good luck, which is really sweet after the whole bardick trash talking schtick at the beginning of this movie. "May the best man win" says Hollywood, sincerely. "Oh, I will" says Bandit. Way to ruin a tender moment, Bandit.

We get yet another flying sequence...the fuck was the budget on this movie? Porn has come a long way, baby. I miss the shadows, the sweat, the Valley, the 80s, the coke, etc. The girls, while going through their fake war simulations, all of the sudden have to deal with ACTUAL INVADING WARPLANES~! Their instructions: "Shoot first, ask questions later". THE DRAMA! The men look on from the hangar, concerned for their classmates. The tension is palpable. Bandit fires away and destroys an enemy plane. Another enemy plane emerges! Hollywood does some Schwarzenegger-esque trash talking before wasting those evil foreigners! YAY GIRLS, YAY USA! The guys at the hangar cheer...Gunt and Spice are there also, relieved. Bandit: "That's how you fly, BITCHES!!!" What a wonderful day in American History this was.

The boys compliment the girls on having "big balls", and then they invite them out for some celebratory beers. The girls have something else they need to do before going to the bar...

How do you celebrate successfully fighting off an unexpected invasion while you happen to be practicing for just such an event? With a hangar orgy fuckfest. (By the way, you may have notied that I'm cursing a lot more at this point in the Porner than usual. I pride myself on being enough of an artist to write these reviews with the minimal amount of swearing/vulgarities possible. In this case, this movie is currently at the 2 hour mark, which is an eternity, especially since this is the second time I've seen this. The first time, I was with the love of my life, so I had no stress in the world. She's not here now, and there's a lot of pressure to keep writing this, so, therefore... fuck shit cunt asshole tits in your rectum. Understand?)

The girls seduce Gunt (or is it Gunman? Guntman?)...Guitars kick in, and we have a 5 girl, one man- hard rockin' insanely paced orgy. Usually in porn, it's two people per scene, and they work at a slooowwww passionless pace. This scene is helter skelter...with all of the characters involved, it's hard to keep track of what's going where on who, who's moaning, etc....the quick edits don't help/hurt, either...This is how you celebrate a good day at the office, kids. And this is how you film a crazy fun groupsex scene. You know how on the Fourth of July, the last 5 minutes of fireworks are breathtakingly intense? This scene takes that principle and applies it to 15 plus minutes of 5 way lovin'. A menage a cinco. I'm not even going to attempt to do a blow by blow (wink wink) account of what occurs. It's sexual, it's sharing, it's what America is all about.

This would have been the perfect conclusion to this movie, but no, this is the Doctor Zhivago of adult cinema we are talking about here, so THERE'S MORE.

More for me to review.

Cocks, Nipples, Asses, SHITPISSVAGINANUTHELL.

Vegas and the Commander reunite to settle their bet about who would win, boys or girls. The Aussie Commander declares it "a victory for women across the nation". Gloria Steinheim and/or Gloria Allred would be thrilled. You'll never guess what happens next. Ok, yes you will....The Commander comes out from behind his desk...he asks Vegas if she'd like to join him for a drink in the Officers' Club...Vegas tells him she was hoping for something a little more private...she kisses him...he informs her that he's a Commander, not a Private...puns are sexy...she says "aye aye"...hot...they kiss again...he gropes her breast...he makes room on his desk for her to sit down...he takes off her jacket...they kiss passionately throughout...he pulls her tank top up over her breasts....he takes off her jeans...he bites and sucks on her nipples like a hungry man....she moans...dot dot dot...he takes his shirt off...she groans...he performs cunnilingus on her...on top of his desk size monthly planner...she is very vocal in her approval...he tries to suck her uterus out with his mouth...this goes on and on...she has nice chesticles...they kiss...she pulls down his pants...she licks his deformed penis...the dude has two large warts/bumps on the head of his penis...it's weird looking, but I'll bet she's going to REALLY like this oddity in a few minutes...an Aussie tickler?...she spits on his penis while sucking it, which is something that is always dirty/hot/great...she has pride in her work...she sucks on his scrot...she chokes herself on his stuff...she groans and moans throughout...dog tags jingle...she sits herself down on top of him, facing outward...she rubs her clit while riding...there are smacking noises...he grabs her waist and bounces her up and down HARD onto him...she is making a lot of noise here...he bends her over the desk...smack smack smack...he falls out a couple of times...he drills the hell out of her...he lays her on top of the desk...he gets on top...he grabs her arm...pumping back and forth...she rubs her clit...he sets her perpendicular to him...and jackhammers away...He hooks her leg and arm in a modified half nelson, in that his penis is slamming into her vagina, he is slapping her tit AND has her arm and leg hooked with his arm...he smacks her other tit 3 times for good measure...he yanks her up...she rides him...he smacks her ass...her ass is bruised and battered...he bangs up into her...he slams her up and down onto him...he then takes matters into his own hands (literally) and Jackson Pollocks her face, hair, and his nearby leather office sofa that was bought with your American tax dollars.

We see the girls getting their medals and getting congrats from the Commander. The Commander and Gunt agree to buy beers for the whole class...and the movie FINALLY is over.

One last note: the first credit to appear at the end: "Production Manager, BRAH BONES". See, it's not only the on screen talent who pick great pseudonyms.

This was an epic. I'm exhausted. I'm shutting down the Porner until my refractory period is over...until that time...any comments, questions, requests or anything are always welcome...adamannapolis@gmail.com...thank you for joining me for this James Michener-esque version of Corn Porner...dot dot dot...

CORN PORNER: TOP GUNS XXX (2011) -- PART ONE

2011-05-01T20:38:00.003-04:00

Hey There Ladies! This is A Very Special Edition of Corn Porner for all the ladies out there...so drop those jeans, and flick those beans...because it's time once again for... CORN PORNER~!

In this porner...a 2011 production called Top Guns, which is a remake of a 1986 big budget Jerry Bruckheimer movie about a closeted homosexual (who is actually the Jesus figure in his science-fiction based religion) flying his plane and killing foreign folk while getting it on with his closeted homosexual female instructor, or something like that. (Don't sue me, sensitive Scientologists and/or Kelly McGillis...) With the exception of the fighter plane instruction school set up, this film does not much resemble the original, instead enhancing the plot by making it a feminist inspirational film, where the girls prove that they are better than the guys.

No Kenny Loggins in this film at all (thankfully!!)...so let's do this thing:

We start with some unusually good special effects (unusually good for stroke flicks, that is) showing Styles and Papa (boys) flying competitively against Bandit and Boo (girls). The girls do all kinds of wacky flying formations to show the guys up...breaking all the flight school rules and, just like in the original, I have no idea what the fuck is going on, nor do I care...planes, flippydos, cursing, trash talking, etc...(where's the sex?)

The girls "win", and then get yelled at by their superior officer for "breaking the rules". By doing this he informs them, they have earned a chance to be "the best Naval aviators God has ever seen". I'm pretty sure that God A) doesn't pay special attention to Naval aviators, and B) doesn't rank them higher if they are more successful at killing people than their fellow flight school pupils/colleagues and, of course, C) doesn't watch porn regularly. (But he does read my blog)

The girls ride their motorcycles to TOP GUNS Flight School in Miramar, California. (Miramar spelled backwards is Ram-a-rim, which coincidentally, becomes a regular act in some scenes later in the film. This is called VERY subliminal foreshadowing).

The girls talk trash with a gum chewing classmate named Hollywood, who is the female equivalent of Val Kilmer from the original movie. I just realized that Val is actually a girl's name. Why I never noticed this before is not important at the moment. The head instructor, Commander Jensen, starts giving his spiel with a very thick Australian accent, which seems odd for an AMERICAN NAVAL OFFICER. I guess they couldn't find any American porn actors to play this part? Still, this seems like a huge casting oversight.

The lead "dogfighting" instructor, named Gunt (!!!) gives a one sentence introduction. He is tan, greasy looking, and I feel like I should know who he is, but I don't.

The guys in the class diss the girls with some stupid sexist cliches about cooking and cleaning, etc...IN A PORNO MOVIE, NO LESS! This is a battle of the sexes, and as usual in these battles, the men come off like mouthbreathing morons, and the girls come off as extremely irritating with their "Woo hoo! Girl power!, You go girl!" bonding schtick.

I hate everyone.

We meet Vegas, who is a civilian female instructor of some kind, who flirts with Crocodile Jensen because he doubts that women can be effective fighter pilots. We will see these two coit later on...much later on.

(I just paused the film, and it turns out that this is 152 minutes long. 2 1/2 hours. Of my life.)

We also meet Spice, who looks like Lisa Bonet and sounds like a cheap Hispanic prostitute. She is the Naval Aeronautics Engineer, of course. Just like my grandfather!

The students all gather at a local bar. Boo and Bandit (both girls, in case you are trying to follow along) bond and are annoying. They talk shit with their fellow female classmates, Mystery
and the aforementioned Hollywood.

One of the male students sings a few notes of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" to our little blonde cutie hero Bandit before getting cut off (they shockingly didn't have the rights to the Righteous Brothers song). "Why don't you stop being a fag and show me what a man you are?", asks Bandit. I normally would cringe at the unnecessary homophobia, but this is a military school, and a psychological gender battle, plus, this is not based on a true story (as far as I know)....These two go at it all over the bar bathroom sink in the usual porn pattern (kiss, get naked, cunnilingus, fellatio, sex in various positions on the sink, add rinse repeat, coitus interruptus) This scene goes on for a good 15 minutes, and really, that's not good because A) 15 minutes is way too long for a bathroom quickie and B) why is no one else trying to use the restroom? I can't suspend disbelief this long. Also, it wasn't all that exciting.

"Don't be all don on yourself"- Spice tells the girls, trying to make them feel better about how they are doing versus the boys. Don=Down.

The men bond about how lame the chicks are, and then taunt them in the stariwell.

It turns out that the guy that Bandit fucked is Hollywood's ex. Bandit explains that she didn't know this when she fucked him, so Hollywood shouldn't be mad. Hollywood informs her "I don't get mad over bar-dick". Best line of the movie so far.

The volleyball scene! Many a pubescent girl moistened their cotton panties to the all male sweatfest scene in the Bruckheimer version. Here we get a BATTLE OF THE SEXES game, complete with a song by an unidentified Survivor/Toto knockoff. The boys win and bond like annoying fuckheads while taunting the girls.

(We are 40 minutes in, and there's been one WAY TOOO LOOONG sex scene, and not much else. This Porner is seriously lacking in Corn.)

In the girls locker room, the 4 girls, with the help of their female commander, Vegas, decide to put their personal differences aside, and use their excellent flying skills to beat the boys. They also decide to use their bodies to do this, so don't expect this to be a NOW endorsed film.

More flying crap with trashtalking and confusing dynamics. What is the point of all of this wargame crap? Why am I supposed to know this? Donde esta el bangbang?

Big dumb meathead #2, a/k/a Papa, is in the classroom studying when a fellow student, Mystery, an Anne Hathwaway lookalike comes in looking to seduce him. Again, this man has an Australian accent. In an impressive display of David Blaine like ESP, first she guesses what number he's thinking of, and then she guesses that he wants to taste her. Between her legs, she looks more like Robin Williams' arms than Anne Hathaways face. I guess this is a great way to stand out from the modern porn pack. This girl is pale, thin, and unshaven, which is a 2/3 description of me. He eats from the bushy bowl. Rachel Getting Harried, anyone? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. Mystery Hathaway climaxes eventually, before working this foreigner/American's lovestick with her mouth. This girl makes some great sex faces, btw. The Devil Wears a BIG HAIRY BUSH, AMIRITE? While enjoying her afterschool lunch, she maintains eye contact, which is HOT AND RECOMMENDED. Her food goes down the wrong way a few times, which causes her to choke. "Do you like it when I choke when I'm sucking your cock? Yeah? You like that Papa?" Great line reading, here. Eventually, they switch to straight up coitus as cars honk in the background, for no reason at all. Must have been visiting day at the school. Homecumming???? (Buhbum, pishhhhh.) These two kiss romantically as Papa appears to actually reverse evolve back into some form of Ape/Human hybrid. Australopethecis Pornstaraus? He turns her around and begins slamming in from behind...He makes ape noises, while she groans and laughs like a nasty, dirty girl. Hairy Hathaway is a star. Papa explodes all over her face, and they live happily ever after.

After draining him of all of his lovebatter, she looks up at him with a smile and coos "Good Boy" in a strange, supposedly sexy voice.

Next up, we see the students back in class getting back their written test results while the instructor makes comments to each student about their grade. This, by the way, has never happened in any real life school setting, but is a device used in film/TV/adult entertainment to establish who is smart and who is dumb in a classroom. The jist of this scene is: the girls are kicking ass in class, and the boys are failing.

On her way out of class, Boo drops a note on the desk of her male classmate. Next thing we know, he is in a bar, drinking beers, and she comes in, offers him a lapdance, takes off her uniform, and they are ready for action...in an empty bar, no less, where we hear more offerings from the Toto/Survivor knockoff band. Through the power of his mouth and fingers, he makes Boo explode into a dripping mess while leaning against a pole. (Bet you've never read that sentence before.) Boo takes on the role of oral giver (BAR-DICK~!), all the while moaning in a weird baby girl voice. She's cute, so it works. As she gags herself on his stuff, she then takes her white saliva strings and ties them back around his base in a very strange form of a constriction knot, and returns to throating him. I believe this is called "the Santa Monica Technique". His stick is bent upwards, btw. He bends her over a bar stool and drills her from behind with his angled babymaking organ. {I wish more bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} As he bangs in hard, Boo says "yes" with each stroke, which creates a great rhythmic dance tune. Sing along if you know the words: "YESYESYESYESYES". All the while, shitty 80s rock knockoffs play over the bar soundsystem. {I wish fewer bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} He turns her to face him, pounds away, and (SPOILER ALERT), he sprays all over her stomach. They then kiss slowly and romantically, which is quite touching. We see Boo leave while the man is passed out on the floor of the bar. Cue the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner!

Karen Ami is nothing more than a baby girl's name

2011-04-16T11:37:00.002-04:00

As I was leaving the gym today, a couple had a table set up in the lobby where they offered me a Wounded Warrior Gift Card. If I gave them $25 dollars, I'd get all kinds of discounts at local business: 10% off a massage at the gym, 10% off a steak at this restaurant, etc.

I think the Wounded Warrior Project is a wonderful charity, which I wish we didn't need to have. I also wish that we weren't such self-absorbed assholes that we didn't have to benefit personally in order to be coaxed into giving to a cause.

I told the woman that I'd give $25, but that I wasn't comfortable getting anything in return.

This is not about me, or anyone else who needs a fucking massage, and how sad is it that this is the kind of blackmail required for us to give something of ourselves at a time like this.

Fuck Ayn Rand in her rotting skull with my shit covered cock.

NBA PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

2011-04-16T11:22:00.002-04:00

Fuck that NCAA amateur crap that died in the early 90s. LEt's talk about the best athletes in the world, playing a boring long season which culminated in the best playoff set up where the best team actually wins every year. That was a horrible sentence, but fuck it...PREDICTIONS:

ROUND ONE:
Chicago v. Indiana- Chicago 4-1
Miami v. Philadelphia- Miami 4-2
Boston v. New York- Boston 4-3
Orlando v. Atlanta- Orlando 4-1

San Antonio v. Memphis- San Antonio 4-1
Los Angeles v. New Orleans- Los Angeles 4-0
Dallas v. Portland- Portland 4-2
Oklahoma City v. Denver- Denver 4-3

ROUND TWO:

Chicago v. Orlando- Orlando 4-2
Miami v. Boston- Boston 4-3

San Antonio v. Denver- San Antonio 4-2
Los Angeles v. Portland- Los Angeles 4-2

ROUND THREE:

Orlando v. Boston- Orlando 4-2

San Antonio v. Los Angeles- Los Angeles 4-2

FINALS:

Orlando v. Los Angeles- Los Angeles 4-1

(I hope I'm wrong)

BILLBOARD'S TOP 10- APRIL 10, 1982

2011-04-10T15:20:00.003-04:00

10. Huey Lewis & The News- Do You Believe in Love?

This is my favorite Huey song, mostly because it was the first Huey song that I heard as a pop music obsessed 7 year old slightly compulsive top 40 autisitic junkie. His mike stand rock back and forth dance is as iconic as Axl's snake dance. Patrick Bateman doesn't like this one because it's "a little too new wave". Psycho. B+

9. Bertie Higgins- Key Largo

This song is completely horrible. Utter shit. If you're going to write a song about a classic movie like Casablanca, it should not be this bad. F

8. Stevie Wonder- That Girl

So great. For some reason, this one doesn't get the praise that other Stevie songs do. It's irresistable. A

7. Journey- Open Arms

The ultimate early 80s mainstream prom ballad. I put this video up because A) I admire it when men openly display their emotions like this and B) it's much better than looking at members of Journey. A-

6. Rick Springfield- Don't Talk to Strangers

This video. is. hilarious. This. song. is. not. Rick was so pouty and intense. The best part of this song is the French middle eight. B

5. Olivia Newton-John- Make A Move on Me

This song has not aged well. I can practically smell mothballs listening to it. B-

4. The J. Geils Band- Freeze Frame

Oh, how 7 year old Addypoo loved the end of this video. Dumping paint on people is the coolest! I had this on cassette. B+

3. Vangelis- Chariots of Fire-Titles

Try to picture someone running in slow motion without this song playing in your head, I DARE YOU. Gorgeous instrumental. A-

2. Go-Go's- We Got The Beat

Sure, they were cute, and this sort of rocks, but for some reason, I've never been as excited by them as I really should be. This song was best heard playing over the opening credits of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. B+

1. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts- I Love Rock 'N Roll

FUCKING ROCKS~! A+

BILLBOARD TOP TEN- APRIL 16, 2011

2011-04-10T10:54:00.003-04:00

10. Adele- Rolling in the Deep

Great voice, really good song. A-

9. Pink- F**kin Perfect

Pink always seems like she's trying way too hard to seem "cool". Oooh, she says "fuck" on the chorus! She's got tattoos! It all comes off as fake when she does it. Her music is pretty run of the mill most of the time. She's such a rebel punk rocker, singing generic pop/rock. This video is a bit too much for my sensibilities. Oh yeah, the song is alright, but it sounds like everything else. B-

8. Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull- On the Floor

Jennifer Lopez's Ass singing dance songs. In 2011, no less. This one swipes the melody of the verses of "Macarena" of all things. If you just turn off your brain and dance, this one is quite good. B+

7. Jeremih feat. 50 Cent- Down on Me

This is pronounced "Jeremiah", as in the former bullfrog who was a good friend of mine. His parents were crappy spellers. A generic song about a girl's ass. B

6. Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes

Seriously, this is fucking stupid. C-

5. Lady Gaga- Born This Way

Everything about Lady Gaga's persona is built on her quirkiness, yet, the music itself, is completely generic shit dance pop, more or less. You'd think a talented human being who likes to wear weird crap would make music that was more interesting and captivating. This is a rip of both Madonna's "Express Yourself" and Mylene Farmer's "Libertine". Bad. C

4. Cee-Lo- F**k You

Song of the Year for 2010. A+

3. The Black Eyed Peas- Just Can't Get Enough

Bad. B-

2. Rihanna- S&M

Sad. (But hot) B

1. Katy Perry feat. Kanye West- E.T.

YAWN. Katy Perry's Boobs teaming up with Kanye West's Ego= CRAPOLA. B-

SONG REVIEW

2011-04-09T10:55:00.002-04:00

PJ Harvey- The Glorious Land

Harrowing stuff. Nice to see musicians making music that relects the state of the world for a change. I love the bugle. A-

Tyler, The Creator- Yonkers

I LOVE the video. The song itself is good enough. Always nice to see some originality in the world of hip hop. B+

Radiohead- Lotus Flower

As good as these guys can be, they are VASTLY overrated. This is perfectly mediocre. B

The Pains of Being Pure At Heart- Belong

90's Revival sound! B+

James Blake- The Wilhelm Scream

I like the idea of electro-DIY R&B. It doesn't really progress like a great song should, but it definitely creates a hell of an atmosphere. B+

BILLBOARD TOP TEN- APRIL 8, 1972

2011-04-08T20:10:00.002-04:00

(I was -3 years, 20 days old at this point. Excuse me if my memory is a little fuzzy.)

10. Robert John- The Lion Sleeps Tonight

A bubblegum pop version. This spent 3 weeks at #3 in March. Cutesy. B-

9. Dramatics- In The Rain

A ssllllowwww jam, complete with weather sound effects, strings, etc. Decent. B

8.The Chakachas- Jungle Fever

This is basically an instrumental which stops every so often so we can hear a woman in the throes of ecstasy. Pretty damn raunchy/great. B+

7. Paul Simon- Mother and Child Reunion
A wonderful reggae tune from Mr. Simon. I didn't learn to appreciate Paul Simon until recently. I used to HATE his music. The guy is a hell of a songwriter, and did more to turn yuppies and preppies on to wonderful forms of music from around the world than anyone else. That's a great legacy, in my opinion. A

6. Donny Osmond- Puppy Love

When we were very little children, my cousin Athena and I used to play a game that involved throwing her Donny Osmond doll up onto the canopy over a bed at our grandparents' house. I'm not sure what the rules were, but sometimes Donny would bounce off and crash to the floor, and sometimes he'd stay up in the canopy. No matter what happened, we laughed hysterically. That personal anecdote was 50 times more interesting than anything related to Donny Osmond, with the exception of Marie. This song is horseshit. F

5. Michael Jackson- Rockin' Robin

Awesome voice. This kid could have a future in the music business. As long as he lays off the children, the Jesus complex, the plastic surgery, the skin color changing, and the drugs, he'll be A-OK. This is from the era where he sang about rats and birds. Nice cover of Bobby Day's rock classic. A-

4. Joe Tex- I Gotcha

HOLY SHIT THIS SONG IS INSANE/HILARIOUS/GROOVY. B+

3. Roberta Flack- The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

I like her voice. She sounds sort of like a less quirky Nina Simone. I like the earmuff afro look, too. This song could easily have been way too sappy if anyone else sang it. She makes it an emotional success. (Next week, it hits #1, and stays there for 6 weeks.) A-

2. Neil Young- Heart of Gold

This song remains at #2 for the third straight week after hitting the top. Neil's only American #1. Hey, that's one more than Springsteen. He was the best singer/songwriter in the world at this point. A-

1. America- A Horse With No Name

The only thing more offensive than this blatant Neil Young imitation/ripoff hitting #1 is that it KNOCKED NEIL YOUNG OUT OF THE TOP SPOT, AND FORCED HIM TO STAY AT #2 FOR 3 WEEKS WHILE IT SHIT ON HIS CANADIAN HEAD. Ignoring that, it's a great folky song about heroin. B+

BILLBOARD'S TOP TEN- APRIL 7, 1979

2011-04-07T20:42:00.002-04:00

(What is unusual about this is that I remember vividly starting at the end of winter/beginning of spring 1979. All of these songs I remember from that time. I have strong musical recall, and I remember snapshots of my life from before this, but I can tell you what I felt, what I smelt, etc. These songs trigger all of that. This is why I love pop music.)

10. Little River Band- Lady
Cheesy, wimpy, bouncy soft rock at its finest. Even at its finest, its not all that great. I admit though, the chorus is great. Someone should remake this and really rock it out. B

9. Blondie- Heart of Glass
New York punk rockers go disco, and hit it big in mainstream America. Debbie Harry became a rock and roll heartthrob for boys and men alike. Her attitude was more real than any of the prepackaged phony sex appeal that we've grown too used to. She was fucking great. Girls loved her, too. This was a brilliant, successful crossover tune from the essential album, Parallel Lines. A-

8. Rod Stewart- Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? Speaking of disco crossover songs...Ol' Semen Belly got in on the act. This one holds some novelty value, but really, it's pretty shite. C-

7. Amii Stewart- Knock On Wood
In my opinion, THIS is the best disco song of all time. I got my driver's license in 1992. I got a Disco Comp tape to listen to in my '88 Toyota Corolla, and this song sounded PERFECT in it. I was a very special teenager. The sound effects in particular were vivid in my brown Japanese ride. A+

6. Frank Mills- Music Box Dancer

I remember hearing this one all the time while my mother drove me around the Arnold/Severna Park area. A pleasant instrumental. B

5. Peaches & Herb- Shake Your Groove Thing

Apparently, Herb hires a Peaches, fires them when they hit 30, and replaces them with a new Peaches. In other words, he's the musical version of Donald Trump. This is alright. B

4. Dire Straits- Sultans of Swing I like this song a lot more than I thought I did before I just listened to it. Knopfler is a great guitarist, fo sho. This is a great song as well. A nice groove here. B+

3. Bee Gees- Tragedy

To follow up on their success with Saturday Night Fever, the Brothers Gibb came back with this tune which mixes the rock elements of their 60s tunes with the falsetto greatness of their disco stuff. It's not up to the standards set with the SNF Soundtrack, but is not bad. B

2. The Doobie Brothers- What a Fool Believes

I fucking hate this song with a violent raging passion. From the bouncy stupid beginning to Michael McDonald and his shitmouth vocals, UGGHHHHHH I HATE THIS SONG! Fuck Michael McDonald in his ear with a rusty spike. (I clearly associate this song with something bad that happened to me in 1979. I spent a week in an oxygen tent at Anne Arundel Hospital early in the year, and was nearly a goner. I think that's where this anger comes from.) F

1. Gloria Gaynor- I Will Survive

THIS is the second greatest disco song of all time. Unbelievably powerful stuff. Ms. Gaynor's vocals carry the intensity. A+

BILLBOARD TOP 10- MARCH 29, 1986

2011-03-26T21:16:00.002-04:00

10. Loverboy- This Could Be The Night

Oh wow, this is not good AT ALL. Best Loverboy song: "Turn Me Loose". This one sucks multiple penii. C-

9. Sly Fox- Let's Go All The Way

This one is perfect from the first note onwards...it should be blasting at some neon light filled club while I'm drunkenly stumbling through the dance floor, looking for the girl I danced with earlier (She's in the bathroom doing blow, Adam). This song takes me places I've never actually been.A

8. Starship- Sara

So whiny. So bad. C-

7. Elton John- Nikita

Cold War paranoia? A love song to Russian Nightmare Nikita Koloff? Subpar stuff from Reg Dwight.C

6. INXS- What You Need

I had to put up a live version, because I wasn't allowed to embed the original. This is a great, great rocker. A

5. Prince & The Revolution- Kiss Prince is an asshole, and doesn't want his music to be available on Youtube. This is one of his great singles, but I can't listen to it, and I'll probably get sued for mentioning it here. Little bastard! A

4. John Cougar Mellencamp- R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A.

I'm not big on Americana rock, but this is alright, I suppose. I'd never want to listen to it on my own, though.B

3. Atlantic Starr- Secret Lovers

Nice little ode to infidelity. B

2. Heart- These Dreams

Decent late 80s commercial stuff from the Sisters Wilson. The song doesn't live up to the promise of Nancy Wilson's cleavage.
B

1. Falco- Rock Me Amadeus
25 years later, and this song's success STILL baffles me. C

BILLBOARD TOP 10- MARCH 27, 1976

2011-03-26T20:24:00.002-04:00

10. Bay City Rollers- Money Honey

Teenybopper rock! This is somewhere between wimpy and hard rockin', and reminds me of Spinal Tap. Best BCR tune is their cover of "I Only Wanna Be With You". B

9. Maxine Nightingale- Right Back Where We Started From

I was 11 months old, and yet, I completely remember this song. It's bouncy and irresistably cute...much like I was in March of '76 A-

8. Bellamy Brothers- Let Your Love Flow

I remember this one too! I have insane musical recall memory. If you're going to do a shitkicking country crossover pop tune, THIS is how it is done. Yee haw. B+
7. Aerosmith- Dream On

Why do I love this song so much? 1. Steven Tyler's voice never sounded like this again. 2. It's the king of all power ballads. 3. It's like Stairway to Heaven, but American and better. Words fail me. A+

6. Rufus feat. Chaka Khan- Sweet Thing

They did much better work than this. This is filler really. B-

5.Johnnie Taylor- Disco Lady

I used to have a book that claimed that this song was the first disco song to hit the charts. The Stones sort of stole this for "Miss You", but I prefer "Miss You" for some reason. Still, how can you not love classic Soul Train footage?? B+

4. Eric Carmen- All By Myself

One thing I've learned over the years is that ERIC CARMEN IS A GOD OF POP MUSIC. This might be the greatest depressing song ever. Completely heartbreaking. Love it. A+

3. Captain & Tennille-Lonely Night (Angel Face)

There's something about this act's music that I absolutely detest...is it her voice? Is it the annoying arrangements? These are the things that I have to ponder as someone who writes about music. Honestly, I can't even put it into words accurately. I just want to sink the ship that these two floated in on. C-

2. Gary Wright-Dream Weaver

This spacy ballad is in a category of its own: it's sort of psychedelic, sort of pussy soft rock, sort of great, and sort of the worst thing ever. For this reason, I LIKEY. B+

1. Four Seasons- December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)

3 Weeks in a row at #1! So much fun! So full of life! So nostalgic for 1963, yet now, it makes me nostalgic for 1976! A wonderful little tune.
A

ADAMMIES- ALBUMS OF THE YEAR SINCE 1975

2011-03-06T11:39:00.002-05:00

1975: Parliament- Mothership Connection
1976: Stevie Wonder- Songs in the Key of Life
1977: The Clash- The Clash
1978: Blondie- Parallel Lines
1979: The Clash- London Calling
1980: Prince- Dirty Mind
1981: The Replacements- Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Trash
1982: Michael Jackson- Thriller
1983: R.E.M.- Murmur
1984: Prince & The Revolution- Purple Rain
1985: The Replacements- Tim
1986: Big Black- Atomizer
1987: Prince- Sign 'O' The Times
1988: Public Enemy- It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
1989: Pixies- Doolittle
1990: Ween- God Ween Satan: The Oneness
1991: Nirvana- Nevermind
1992: Prince & The NPG- O-+->
1993: Pearl Jam- Vs.
1994: Hole- Live Through This
1995: Oasis- (What's the Story) Morning Glory?
1996: Weezer- Pinkerton
1997: Radiohead- OK Computer
1998: Air- Moon Safari
1999: Mr. Bungle- California
2000: Modest Mouse- The Moon & Antarctica
2001: The Strokes- Is This It?
2002: Wilco- Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
2003: The White Stripes- Elephant
2004: Green Day- American Idiot
2005: ??
2006: Belle and Sebastian- The Life Pursuit
2007: Panda Bear- Person Pitch
2008: Erykah Badu- New Amerykah Part One (4th World War)
2009: Dinosaur Jr.- Farm
2010: Beach House- Teem Dream

ADAMMIES- SONGS OF THE YEAR SINCE 1975

2011-03-06T11:26:00.002-05:00

1975- Queen- "Bohemian Rhapsody"
1976- Parliament- "Give Up The Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker)"
1977- Television- "Marquee Moon"
1978- Cheap Trick- "Surrender"
1979- The Undertones- "Teenage Kicks"
1980- John Lennon- "(Just Like) Starting Over"
1981- Tom Tom Club- "Genius of Love"
1982- Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five feat. Melle Mel- "The Message"
1983- Michael Jackson- "Billie Jean"
1984- Echo & the Bunnymen- "The Killing Moon"
1985- Madonna- "Into the Groove"
1986- Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force- "All Cried Out"
1987- The Cure- "Just Like Heaven"
1988- Metallica- "One"
1989- Neil Young- "Rockin' in the Free World"
1990- Public Enemy- "Welcome to the Terrordome"
1991- Nirvana- "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
1992- U2- "One"
1993- Radiohead- "Creep"
1994- Soundgarden- "Black Hole Sun"
1995- Alanis Morrisette- "You Oughta Know"
1996- The Chemical Brothers feat. Noel Gallagher- "Setting Sun"
1997- The Verve- "Bittersweet Symphony"
1998- Britney Spears- "...Baby One More Time"
1999- Backstreet Boys- "I Want It That Way"
2000- Eminem- "Stan"
2001- System of a Down- "Toxicity"
2002- The White Stripes- "Fell In Love With a Girl"
2003- Outkast- "Hey Ya!"
2004- Arcade Fire- "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)"
2005- Kelly Clarkson- "Since U Been Gone"
2006- Gnarls Barkley- "Crazy"
2007- Amy Winehouse- "You Know I'm No Good"
2008- M.I.A.- "Paper Planes"
2009- Grizzly Bear- "Two Weeks"
2010- Cee Lo- "Fuck You"

yo

2011-02-21T09:31:00.002-05:00

1. I hate cable news, and I hate how everyone nowadays has to wait to find out how they are supposed to react to different news stories. "What does Fox tell us we should think about this?". "Does Rachel Maddow think that what happened in Egypt is a good thing?". I'm as guilty as anyone for falling into this trap, so as a result, I am taking a firm position that I am not taking a position on the Wisconsin teacher strike deal. No opinion either way. Who's with me? Turn off the bullshit.

2. In one form or another, I had approximately 18 rounds of sexual activity over the course of a 40 hour period. I am proud, satisfied, and wondering if this is normal for a man of any age, especially 35 going on 36. Unfortunately, all of my friends are now parents and adults and married, and therefore probably don't care to hear about my bragging. So I take it to the web.

3. It's President's Day, which is another holiday that we don't know how to celebrate. We've had 44 Presidents in our short life. Many Americans are spending this holiday completely terrified for their nation, because they think that our 44th is an Islamist evil socialist Kenyan. Sucks to be them. By the Bush logic, Obama has kept us safe from terror attacks here so far. Wouldn't as Islamist who pals around with terrorists have caused a few attacks by now? Hmmm.

4. Lady Gaga is weird, which is refreshing in the awful current state of mainstream pop culture, but there's a complete lack of weird in her music, which makes it fail to excite me. Bad Romance was alright, but other than that, she's pretty much just doing safe electropop retakes from the Madonna handbook. Come out of an egg all you want, if you can't reinvent yourself musically with something new, rather than fucking stealing melodies from ABBA and Mylene Farmer, eventually, you're going to be working the 2000s nostalgia circuit with Ja Rule, Stephanie. Rock out with your cock out~

5. Porn Review Quickies: I watched Deep Throat. It was funny, yet not at all arousing. I also saw Batman XXX, which is an INSTANT CLASSIC MUST SEE/WANK. (Why am I watching porn and going 18 rounds you ask? Gulp, I like sex. It's one of the few things I'm good at/enjoy talking about/doing. Lost of slashes, here.)

6. The entire NBA All Star weekend was completely predictable.

7. Alexyss Tylor is a prophet.

Delray Crime & Safety Highlights

2011-02-05T09:42:00.003-05:00

From the Delray Forum Jan 26, 2011 Vol. 55 No.4 www.sunsentinel.com/delraybeach:

1. 1100 block of Vista Del Mar Jan. 16 12:23 p.m. A man reported problems with a male neighbor who makes obscene gestures each time the resident drives by the residence.

2. 2300 block of Linton Ridge Circle Jan. 16, 11:31 p.m Two men called police over an argument over a $50 utility bill. (Ad: Roommates fight about unpaid bills all the time, but a 911 call for $25/apiece? I thought everything changed after 9/11? We appear to be even more trivial.)

3. 100 block of Railroad Avenue Jan. 15, 11:30 a.m. A woman dining at a restaurant lost her 38-caliber pistol while walking to her vehicle. (Ad: If I feel so threatened that I am going to have to come armed to a brunch, I’m probably going to try to be aware of where that gun is at all times. But that’s just me.)

4. 700 block of Southeast Second Avenue Jan. 16 9:55 a.m. A 37-year-old woman was selling beer to adult soccer players at a city park. (Ad: 1. 9:55 a.m.? 2. Selling beer to adults? 3. Selling beer to soccer players? 4. Liquor stores are open by 9:55 (I checked). 5. If you’re going to provide refreshments for soccer players, don’t charge them. 6. Bring them free oranges.)

5. 100 block of Southeast Fourth Street Jan. 16 5:25 a.m. A man called police to report that a 42-year-old man attacked him and injured his arm. The man also called police to report that his acquaintance was smoking crack cocaine. (Ad: I imagine this was two separate calls, possibly related, possibly not. Either way, I smell the annoyance of the police in how this was typed up. “Hello police: a 42 year old man just hurt my arm. Goodbye.” 5 minutes later: “Hello police: An acquaintance of mine was smoking crack cocaine. Goodbye”. If the acquaintance was not the 42 year old arm assaulter, it appears that this citizen is abusing his 911 privileges. If it was the same person, and the caller felt that the arm assault didn’t properly understand the serious nature of the assault, well, it comes off as a follow up call that comes across like a snarky “your mama wears army boots” type thing. Either way: good stuff here.)

2010 ADAMMY SONG OF THE YEAR- CEE-LO- "FUCK YOU"

2010-12-12T10:34:00.002-05:00

Bitter, yet beautiful.

This is the best crossover song in years.

It's an instantly lovable classic slice of pop/soul, with an unusually blunt chorus.

The song takes a giant leap to immortality when the bridge kicks in: Cee Lo hilariously sob/sings this entire part. Asking "WHY????" before the double shot of the background singers making the famed Prince "Owwaahhh!" noise followed by an I-just-stubbed-my-toe "OWWWW!". A little slice of genius.

When the song kicks back into the chorus, if you aren't loving life, you are fucking dead and not worthy of ever listening to music. Don't fear the f-word. The "Forget You" radio version loses the impact overall, but it's still better than anything else that you'll hear on modern top 40 radio, so take what you can get.

This is an absolute masterpiece, and it may be the best 3 and a half minutes we have received from the musical gods in YEARS.

Yes, this song is so great that it brings tears to my eyes. That is the ultimate test.

Love

2010-12-04T19:15:00.002-05:00

I have spent my whole naive life assuming that the pain of rejection at the hands of a woman I feel a strong attraction to is as bad a feeling as there can be.

It happened to me many times from age 13 to 25 or so, and I don't think I ever really recovered from any of them.

I have been basing this on my own selfishness.

Since I'm single, I haven't really considered this before, but thanks to Van Morrison's "T.B. Sheets", I now have:

To have a partner, a loved one, a wife, who gets sick and loses a battle with a disease is the most heartbreaking real aspect of life that one can imagine.

It is inescapable, there are no easy answers, there are no silver linings.

People can go on with their lives, but they are never the same afterwards. They deserve all of our love and support in some way that I can't figure out.

Life is a beautiful gift, but it is not always easy. The best way to live is to give what we can to help others who are struggling with it more than we are.

The dumbest thing President Obama has ever said

2010-11-25T07:58:00.003-05:00

Re: The Miami Heat:

"No matter how good a group of players are, if they haven't played together before they are not going to be as good as a team that has played together a long time."

Thanks for that.

2010 ADAMMIES VIDEO OF THE YEAR NOMINEE #1- Animal Collective - Bluish

2010-11-20T11:25:00.000-05:00

"Ricky", my MS Paint debut

2010-11-18T20:05:00.001-05:00

Call the fucking Hirshhorn NOW.

the cure vs the commodores - easyheaven

2010-11-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

ADAMMIES- NOMINEES FOR BEST MUSIC VIDEO OF 2010

2010-11-13T10:32:00.003-05:00

1. Animal Collective- Bluish

2. Black Keys- Tighten Up

3. Cee Lo Green- Fuck You

4. JW & Blaze- Palance

5. LCD Soundsystem- Drunk Girls (Embedding wasn't allowed, click on the song title and you'll be taken to youtube for viewing)

6. MGMT- Flash Delirium

7. MGMT- It's Working

8. Janelle Monae- Tightrope (Embedding not allowed, click song title to go to Youtube)

9. Janelle Monae- Cold War

10. Sleigh Bells- Infinity Guitars

ADAMMIES- Nominees for Album of the Year

2010-11-12T19:24:00.002-05:00

Beach House- Teen Dream
Deerhunter- Halcyon Digest
Janelle Monae- The Archandroid
Sleigh Bells- Treats

4 outstanding albums in one year!

"Your Jean Shorts are Making Me Hungry"

2010-11-11T21:12:00.000-05:00

Having the mind that I do, I occassionally have these thoughts/ideas/potential song lyrics that will pop into my head at inopportune moments, and my best approach is to grab a pen and the best form of paper I can find and get the thought/idea/potential song lyric down before it leaves my short term memory. That was a long sentence.

One day at work about 3 or 4 weeks ago, I was in nice and early, and while reading a Roger Ebert review of Tamara Drewe, I noticed a photo of the lead actress looking MILFTASTIC in a pair of jean shorts. Right when I noticed this, I realized that I hadn't eaten breakfast, and my stomach was growling. The words "your jean shorts are making me hungry" popped into my head, and inspired by the moment, I grabbed a Post It note, wrote the words down, folded up the note, and put it in the pocket of my 100% camel hair sportsjacket.

Fast forward to this past Monday at my gym. As I'm walking out, I stop to talk to my Mother's Husband's Daughter (my stepsister? halfsister?), who works the front desk at the gym. After a few minutes, I reach in my jacket for my keys, say my goodbyes, and strut out the front door. My _____sister calls out to me, and is holding in her hand the folded up yellow Post It note.

"Did you drop this?"

"Yes, Yes I did. Thanks."

At the moment I saw the yellow folded up piece of paper, I knew that whatever was written on there (I have these all over the place, and I never remember what is on them) was potentially embarassing. Thankfully, she didn't see it, and thankfully, no random person picked it up and read it.

As proud as I am of how my brain works, I'm totally embarassed knowing that most people think I'm a crazy pervy shithead, and not the misunderstood genius who writes poetic horny odes to women. I really hate myself, and it's these people's fault.

I bet Mark Twain had the same problem, but he didn't have his own blog, so he can SUK MY NUTZ.

Then and Now- Mike Patton

2010-11-06T11:52:00.001-04:00

Then:

Now:

1980 ADAMMY SONG OF THE YEAR- John Lennon "(Just Like) Starting Over"

2010-11-06T09:14:00.002-04:00

When this song was initially released, it seemed to be an above average return to form for a rock and roll legend. From December 8 onwards, it took on a whole other feel. Is it the best song of 1980? Possibly not. "Upside Down" by Diana Ross and "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division are among the other songs in the discussion.
This song is the clear choice for the best song of 1980, because it's gorgeous, completely heartbreaking, reassuring, and as fond a farewell as we will ever get from one of the all time greats, who we lost for completely senseless reasons.

Stevie Wonder - Boogie On Reggae Woman

2010-11-03T19:45:00.000-04:00

When I was about 14 or so, I discovered this song on Stevie Wonder's Original Musiquarium, and I was convinced that I stumbled upon gold. It was a secret treasure that I thought only I knew about. Years later, I realized that there are, in fact, other people who know about "Boogie on Reggae Woman", which is cool, but sort of ruined my love affair with it. I listened to it today, and it's like the love affair never ended.

November 1, 2010 Haiku

2010-11-01T20:44:00.000-04:00

She said to her love,

"You can have my heart and soul...

not my backpussy."

Happy Halloween, Fukky

2010-10-31T13:40:00.002-04:00

Adult women dress up like whores.

Children go door to door to get candy from neighbors that they and their parents never socialize with on any of the 364 other days of the year.

It's a fun, strange tradition.

When we were young, we were constantly informed about evil people who put razor blades into candy bars or apples (as if any children actually ate apples). Did this actually ever happen? What kind of people would purposely try to cut up the insides of children?

I'm dressing up as a 35 year old smartass, who nonetheless remembers how exciting this holiday used to be. Also, I give kids the best candy, and I give them A LOT of it.

My Review of Colbert's Americone Dream Ice Cream

2010-10-28T23:24:00.002-04:00

It looks and tastes exactly like ice cream, to such an incredible degree that the uninitiated may assume that it is the genuine article and not a satire of all the other ice creams that surround it on the shelves.

This makes it better somehow.

Idea of the Day: Health food restaurants with drive thru windows

2010-10-28T19:46:00.001-04:00

Americans don't have time to get out of their cars to get their food, so they go to McDonalds.

Screw that.

Healthy food should be available to transient mofos.

I bet that childhood obesity rates would drop. I'm calling Michelle Obama. Her arms are the best thing about her hubby's presidency, but that's another idea for another day.

GIMME GIMME OCTOPUS- a critical analysis of Episode 1

2010-10-27T20:30:00.003-04:00

About 5 years ago, I got a DVD called "Gimme Gimme Octopus". It contains 90+ minutes of 150 second episode after 150 second episode of a bizarre Japanese children's show. What sold me on buying this? Check out this first sentence from the site where I purchased the DVD:

The most accurate summary of this late 60's Japanese kids show we have read states: "An octopus and a peanut are in love with the same walrus."

I was sold.

And now, through the power of my interneting skillz, I can A) give you a taste of the GGO experience, and B) try to find the deeper meaning in the show, in life, in the human being, in the peanut, etc....

Here's your brain on drugs, Episode 1:

A critical analysis:

The octopus and the peanut walk to the jail, talk some trash to the warden, chase him around, and then lock him up. The octopus takes the warden's holster, nightstick and HAT OF POLICE AUTHORITY, while the peanut takes the gun. They talk some more trash to the imprisoned warden, then headoff with their stolen goods. The peanut tries and fails to get his gun to work, so the octopus whacks him in the head and takes the gun. The peanut is PISSED. The octopus waves for the peanut to follow him, and being the trusty sidekick, he does so.

They appear to go to a restaurant, where some sort of lizard is the owner, and a pink walrus is the waitress. The octopus holds up the joint! The hot pink walrus is totally turned on by the macho walrus. The octopus shoots the gun in the air, and the lizard owner runs. The walrus embraces the octopus, and it appears that LOVE IS IN THE AIR. The octopus, wanting to do some interspecies loving, clonks the peanut in the head with the gun, leaving the nut so concussed that he walks into a tree, thus sustaining further cranial damage. He talks some trash to the octopus, who while struting by with his walrus in his arm, clonks the peanut once again in the head.

From out of nowhere, a ghost appears, which totally freaks out the octopus. The peanut, clearly agitated by his brain damage as well as the sight of the ghost, comes over to explain to the walrus exactly what's going on. The octopus hides like a coward, waiting until the ghost vanishes to come out of hiding. When he comes out, he sees the peanut and the walrus walking together, laughing, and hooking arms. JEALOUSY ENSUES~! The walrus, upon seeing the octopus, goes right back to him (slut!), so the peanut clonks the octopus on the head with an unidenitifed stick of some kind. The head blow is so severe, that the octopus comes to, and he's back at the prison, standing in front of the jailed warden, but without his holster, his nightstick, his gun, etc. The peanut, now dressed in the warden's stolen goods, struts in with his walrus woman. They taunt their relationship in front of a very confused, sad emasculated octopus. SCENE.

Moral: Bitchez love bastardz, and boyz (peanutz? octopii? octopizi?) will end their friendships in an effort to get some walruz azz. Also, concussionz are bad.

ESPN

2010-10-24T20:59:00.002-04:00

Another once great cable network is wallowing in self-parody.

Lebron gets a lot of the blame for this summer's awful "Decision" spectacle, but ESPN is more guilty for its role in the hype.

This weekend, during a college football game, the announcers did a segment where they talked about how the big 3 in Miami would fare in football, all while a graphic on the screen showed each of the guy's vital stats.

Why would anyone watching the game on TV care about this pointless hypothetical scenario? The audience for this game was most likely either gamblers or graduates of whatever schools were featured. I swear to you, and this is not a cop out, I was flipping channels and stumbled upon this during my flippage. I thought it might have been a Heat preseason game when I saw the graphic on the screen.

ESPN has become a sleazy greedy promotion machine, whereas it used to be the total sports network.

Ugh, 2010.

I need to get this off my mind/chest

2010-10-22T23:16:00.000-04:00

2 weeks ago, I went to Subway for lunch.

I go to this Subway at least once a week, so I'm usually recognized when I walk in the door by the "sandwich artists". (Also, I'm kind of a big fucking deal, but that's not the point here)

This one guy who works there is always very nice and chatty. He started telling me about a haunted house that he worked at part time in Dundalk. He told me to come see it, and handed me a flyer. I told him the truth: I'm 35, I don't really like haunted houses, but I'd pass out flyers to people I knew who actually did like haunted houses.

So far, this is perfectly normal, right?

The guy then tells me that he got the artwork from the flyer TATTOOED ON HIS SIDE. It said "Ann's Haunted House" or whatever it was called, and it was a legit permanent tattoo. He was proud that he had the guts to put an advertisement on his body that would never go away, never be seen by the majority of people, and the kicker, IT'S AN AD FOR SOMETHING THAT IS OPEN 1 MONTH OUT OF THE YEAR.

I have kept this to myself, because I was stunned, confused, and just not sure what to think about what this youngster has done. He even admitted that he's going to have a hard time explaining it to his grandkids one day (why would his grandkids be looking at him shirtless, you ask? Well, don't ask, because that's totally not the point, fukky)

He then told me that Ann was impressed, and that was the important thing. So he's going to get more tattoos related to this haunted house.

This guy could not be a nicer guy. That means a lot in my book. But holy fuck, what the hell is with this thought process?

Nothing in that haunted house could scare me more than this entire interaction. I blame Jared.

P-Funk commercial - Funkentelechy

2010-10-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

NBA Predictions- 2010-11 Season

2010-10-17T19:19:00.002-04:00

1. John Wall (Washington Wizards) and Blake Griffin (Los Angeles Clippers) will battle it for Rookie of the Year, with both of them taking their respective teams into the playoffs.

2. Kevin Durant (Oklahoma City Thunder) will emerge as not only this season's MVP, but the clear choice as the best player in the league.

3. The Los Angeles Lakers will struggle with injuries all season, yet make it to the NBA Finals.

4. The Miami Heat will dominate, much to the chagrin of everyone outside of Miami. They will stun the world be winning the NBA title. Finals MVP= Dwayne Wade. The sports media will go crazy trying to stir shit between Wade and James, but to no avail. Meanwhile, the media will ignore Chris Bosh, who will quietly play the best ball of his career. Lebron James will be even more hated after the season. Wade and Bosh will earn a ton of respect. Oh, also, at some point during the season, Pat Riley will take over as head coach, which will be seen as the dick move that it is.

5. After a series of very public meltdowns and bizarre business decisions, everyone will realize that the competitive drive that made Michael Jordan the best player ever will also make him the most insanely awful owner ever. Pray for the players, the front office underlings, etc., because David Stern will never step in and threaten Jordan, so this will mark the beginning of a reign of terror unparalleled.

6. Final Standings:

Atlantic:

1. Boston Celtics-x
2. New York Knicks-x
3. Philadelphia 76ers
4. New Jersey Nets
5. Toronto Raptors

Central:

1. Chicago Bulls- x
2. Milwaukee Bucks- x
3. Detroit Pistons
4. Indiana Pacers
5. Cleveland Cavaliers

Southeast:

1. Miami Heat- x
2. Orlando Magic- x
3. Washington Wizards- x
4. Atlanta Hawks- x
5. Charlotte Bobcats

West:

Pacific:

1. Los Angeles Lakers- x
2. Phoenix Suns- x
3. Los Angeles Clippers- x
4. Golden State Warriors
5. Sacramento Kings

Southwest:

1. Dallas Mavericks- x
2. New Orleans Hornets- x
3. San Antonio Spurs- x
4. Memphis Grizzlies
5. Houston Rockets

Northwest:

1. Oklahoma City Thunder- x
2. Denver Nuggets- x
3. Utah Jazz
4. Portland Trailblazers
5. Minnesota Timberwolves

x= playoff birth

7. Derrick Rose (Chicago Bulls) will put on a performance for the ages by playing through a leg injury in a Game 7, taking over the game down the stretch to lead the Bulls into the conference finals, where the Heat will beat them in 5 games.

Old Photos

2010-10-13T21:45:00.001-04:00

Remember how we'd look at photos of our parents in their 1970s clothes and laugh about how ridiculous they look?

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point in the past 10 years or so, photos from my high school days started looking REALLY BAD to me.

Sort of like when we saw photos of our parents from the 1970s, but without the comedy factor.

In my memories, everyone looked normal. In the actual photos, everyone looks like mutant versions of what they are now.

I'm not even singling anyone out: it's ALL of us. REALLY BAD. RIDICULOUS. DIRTY. GRUNGY.

I didn't even realize that the early 90s had a look/style at the time, but these photos reek of some bizarre New Jack Swing, Hypercolor Evenflow Thoughts Arrive Like Butterflies culture suck/mindfuck.

I'm not even sure that made sense, and I don't care.

I look at high school photos, especially of myself, and I feel instantly unclean.

Paul London and Bryan Danielson

2010-10-13T20:23:00.000-04:00

Columbus Day

2010-10-11T09:30:00.002-04:00

Happy Columbus Day, America.

This holiday seems to serve no purpose on our calendar other than to allow smartass "history experts" to step up to the plate to dazzle their fellow man with "the truth" about what went down in 1492.

"Columbus enslaved the people"
"Columbus was dumb, got lost and stumbled upon America"
"Columbus wasnt even involved in the voyage, yet he had a better PR person, who helped hype his name and got him a book deal, a reality show, and a national holiday out of the whole thing"

Allow me to contribute to the confusion:

In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed west, and met some not-too-happy natives...luckily for society/America/us, ol' Christopher came prepared to bring a slice of Europe to the natives: he brought prostitution. Chris practically serviced every tribal leader on the continent himself, and the ones who he couldnt get to, he sent the three members of his incredible harem: Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria to finish them off/teach them about the currency of nutbusting.

In fact, the lyric is actually: "In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean, blew."

The homonym belies the fact the man had a two step plan for transforming the world: Step one: travel Step two: blow.

And damnit it worked. "The ocean blue" is a much more kid friendly version of the story.

You have been schooled.

Karaoke star of the day

2010-10-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

KURT COBAIN - UNSEEN NEW VIDEO (BACK STAGE CONCERT)

2010-10-05T20:42:00.000-04:00

Stink Bug

2010-10-05T20:17:00.001-04:00

There's a stink bug in my room

I think I'll call her Gloria

You used to be here too

But you hate me and I'm bored of ya

There are butterflies in my stomach

and I'm not scared of a thing

there's a monkey on my back

Needs chiropractic fixing

There's a frog in my throat

and a few hairs on my dome

As a poet, I've blown it

So you animals leave me alone

Presidents of my lifetime (a dumb guy's guide)

2010-10-03T19:40:00.001-04:00

Gerald Ford- rose up through the ranks thanks to GOP corruption, pardoned Nixon, klutzy, survived several assassination attempts. Nice guy, not a good president. D

Jimmy Carter- Weird dude. Nice work at Camp David early on, but then the country fell apart, and he was ill equipped to fix it. Sucked in his handling of the Iranian hostage situation. Redeemed his failed presdiency by being a great ex-president. D

Ronald Reagan- Actor, leader of revitalized jingoisitic sense of American spirit in the 80s, not a smart dude, but was charismatic. Has been turned into a Christ figure by today's right wing, who share none of Reagan's good qualities. His friendship with Gorbachev and Mikhail's willingness to change his country led to the end of the Cold War...not some bullshit flexing of muscle as has been rewritten by moronic comic book retard right wings. Blew it on domestic issues (AIDS epidemic, homelessness). Iran Contra and the loss of his brain in his second term can't be ignored. Sadly, he's still in discussion for best president of my lifetime. C

George Bush- Went from the penthouse to the outhouse. Americans with Disabilities Act. First Gulf War, in and out. Raising taxes was his Waterloo. Epic fail in '92 run against Clinton and Perot. Redeemed somewhat by his son's 8 years in the White House. Most qualified man with best resume to ever hold the office. D

Bill Clinton- Began a serious divisive split in America. Smart guy, easily distracted by pussy. Would rather climb a tree and lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. A total bullshitter in every sense of the term. Impeachment was political crap, but he was a total liar, indisputably. His last day in office was an embarassment (pardons, refusing to leave, whining like a baby). He's the other one in discussion for best president in my lifetime. I never voted for him, Luckily, was president during a rare time of peace in America. The 90s, it turns out, were glorious. Also, he has charismatic, empathetic, and would probably be a great president these days. C

George W. Bush- A really, really dumb guy. A network of liars protected him. Learned nothing from Vietnam and Watergate, other than it is a lot easier to get away with such things with a good network of liars. Worst president ever, and he seemingly got worse and dumber as he went on. On the bright side, had some compassion/sensitivity, unlike many of his apologists. F

Barack Obama- His campaign was exciting, his speeches were brilliant. His presidency? not so much. A lot on his plate. Still not sure he can handle it all, or if anyone could. Has been overwhelmed by the hysteria of his detractors. If he can't succeed, who could?? In his defense, he clearly inherited a lot of crap, most of it probably unfixable. C- so far

So...the Olsen twins

2010-10-03T11:09:00.000-04:00

That didn't work out like we thought, now did it?

Father of the Year Spotted in Crofton

2010-10-03T08:58:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to remove misanthropic thoughts from my life, but the preponderance of morons, a$$holes, and even good people behaving poorly makes it VERY hard in this day and age.

I saw an overweight 20something angry dude repeatedly yell at his children about absolutely nothing at a restaurant recently.

He kept firmly stating these life lessons that were complete crap: "Shelly, what did I tell you? Never, never ask for something while you are sitting at a table with someone". "Junior, if there's an extra fork on the table, you never, ever do what you just did by not using it. NEVER".

I love that we are a free country and everyone has the freedom to marry and reproduce as they see fit, but the side effect of that is that some really bad people, who probably weren't bad but had crappy parents, are now passing on their crappy parenting skills to the next generation.

I think it is time that we/you/me/them/and they all start with some basic values: be the best people we can be, not only to our family and friends, but our fellow human being/animal/plant. That's not some hippie b.s., that's really easy, basic stuff. It'll make us all much happier.

"Ashley, you don't get up from the table to go to the bathroom until everyone has taken at least 3 bites of salad".

LCD Soundsystem - I Can Change @ Jools Holland (14 May 2010)

2010-10-02T18:40:00.000-04:00

The guy wearing glasses may be the coolest dorky white guy dancer of all time.

Also, the vocal here is perfect.

JW & Blaze - Palance

2010-10-02T18:37:00.000-04:00

Daniel Johnston - Tuna Ketchup

2010-10-02T16:25:00.000-04:00

Daniel Johnston- Keep Punching Joe

2010-10-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

Daniel Johnston- I Remember Painfully

2010-10-02T16:19:00.000-04:00

Daniel Johnston - I'll Do Anything But Break Dance For Ya, Darling

2010-10-02T16:16:00.000-04:00

BILLBOARD'S TOP TEN (October 4, 1980)

2010-10-02T15:09:00.005-04:00

10. Olivia Newton-John/Electric Light Orchestra- Xanadu This song is absolutely awesome. It's cheesy/campy as possible, yet somehow, the coked out bliss creates the perfect vibe throughout. Amateur Phone Hussies briefly played a cover version, which we were eventually going to play as an encore complete with bubbles blowing and shiny glam costuming...or something similarly obnoxiously over the top. I wish I could take credit for that idea, but I can't. Anyway, it never happened, because I could not sing it right. Olivia never falters, and ELO as a backing band? Genius. A

9. Johnny Lee- Lookin' For Love

From the John Travolta/Debra Winger country bar film Urban Cowboy. Eddie Murphy, who was once actually funny, forever made me sing "Wookin Pa Nub" rather than the original version found here. Honestly, it's decent enough mainstream country pop. B

8. Kenny Loggins- I'm Alright
From Caddyshack. Caddyshack and The Blues Brothers are considered comedy classics by 99% of my generation, and I'm totally indifferent to either film. I'm all alone on that Indifference Island. What I'm not indifferent about is how the music of Kenny Loggins makes me want to get violent and commit hate crimes against all people named Kenny, and all people who suck. This is an ok song. B

7. Barbra Streisand- Woman In Love
My complete lack of interest in anything musical involving Barbra Streisand has made me Public Enemy No. 1 for gay men and way too many members of my own family. With that being said, there is one humongous exception to my boredom with Babs: in 1980, she hooked up with Barry Gibb, and actually produced contemporary pop worthy of her voice. This song is fantastic cheechee Bee Gee pop, and her voice is so great here, it baffles me why she didn't make more listenable music. She may have even sung better than Xtina? A-

6. Paul Simon- Late in the Evening
Paul Simon, you can suk my nutz. Seriously, this is a pretty cool polyrythmic groove song with great lyrics about Paul smoking weed. A-

5. Eddie Rabbitt- Drivin' My Life Away
GET THIS SONG OUT OF MY EARS/LIFE!!!!! F

4. George Benson- Give Me the Night
A Quincy Jones produced slice of soft-funk pop excellence. A-

3. Diana Ross- Upside DownThis is perfect. Chic provides the disco-pop music bed, and Diana coolly croons and seduces. Huge. A+

2. Air Supply- All Out of Love
This is the perfect chance for me to plug the masterpiece that is my review of "Ultimate Air Supply". Here's the review C+

1.
Queen- Another One Bites the Dust I love Queen, but this song is a total rip off of everything that Chic did 2 years prior with "Good Times". This song always seemed super flat and way overrated. Like Caddyshack and/or The Blues Brothers. B-

Top 10 songs (according to Billboard, week ending 10/2/10) reviewed by an out of touch 35 year old

2010-09-25T12:29:00.003-04:00

10. Far*East Movement Featuring Cataracs & Dev- Like a G6
This robotic voiced woman is "feeling so fly, like a G6". Welcome to old age, Addypoo. What is a G6? An engine? A phone? This sounds exactly like you'd think it would....no better no worse. It's about drinking and partying and all those other crucial elements to the survival of our species. B-
9. Flo Rida feat. David Guetta- Club Can't Handle Me
This one has a catchy little chorus, loads of Autotune, a good beat, well delivered verses. If all pop songs are going to use the same techniques, at least the songs can occassionally be listenable. This one's p. good. B+
8. Nelly- Just a Dream
Yawn. B-
7. Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull- I Like It
Killer beat...great cheesy late 90s club keyboards, Enrique can definitely sing. And he quotes Lionel Richie! I approve. B+
6. Taio Cruz- Dynamite
This sounds like every other song ever to hit the charts in the past 15 years. Sux multiple penii. C-
5. Usher feat. Pitbull- DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love
Considering that he is, by the numbers, one of the most successful recording artists of all time, Usher has a shockingly low amount of songs that resonate as all time classics. This one sounds generic as all fuck. zzzzzzzzzzzzz. C
4. Katy Perry- Teenage Dream I'm not a fan of her fame, or how she got it (kiddie porn, faux attention seeking lesbianism designed to appeal to frat boy gang bangers, all boobs and zero actual substance). Bland titpop. C
3. Rihanna- Only Girl (in the World)
Rihanna makes quality pop tunes that deal with her struggle with wanting bad boys, but not wanting to get beaten into oblivion. It's a struggle that modern women deal with, but it's never been addressed in an artistic fashion. She is important. She could coast on her good looks, but she isn't afraid to reveal her inner insecurities, which is totally refreshing. This one has her wanting to feel wanted. Who can't relate? B+
2. Eminem feat. Rihanna- Love the Way You Lie
More Rihanna's struggle with bad boys. Eminem is the perfect foil. This song is too intensely real for House of Ruth. This doesn't paint a pretty picture, but there's no denying it's honesty. Good tune. B+
1. Bruno Mars- Just the Way You Are

This is #1? WUT? This is NOT a cover of Billy Joel's classic. It is a formulaic love song that lacks any genuine love. Pussyshit. C-

The Verdict: Ok, I must be old, because I don't like a lot of these, and even the good ones don't sound all that different from the bad ones. I know for a fact that there have been some great songs released this year, and I will be counting them down at the end of the year...but to tide anyone over who wants to put their trust in my musical mojo...check out this great tune from Cee-Lo:

613 Mitzvot- Maimonides list 26-75 (A Spiritual Self-Examination)

2010-09-06T12:39:00.004-04:00

26. Not to blaspheme. (I could've sworn this one was listed in the first 25...)

27. Not to worship idols in the manner they are worshipped.

28. Not to worship idols in the four ways we worship God. (What are the 4 ways? On our knees, at sporting events, in near death experiences, before meals?)

29. Not to make an idol for yourself.

30. Not to make an idol for others.

31. Not to make human forms even for decorative purposes. (does this refer to cloning? drawings and paintings?)

32. Not to turn a city to idoltry.

33. To burn a city that has turned to idol worship. (Arson is endorsed??? That seems ungodly.)

34. Not to rebuild it as a city.

35. Not to derive benefit from it.

36. Not to missionize an individual to idol worship.

37. Not to love the idolater.

38. Not to cease hating the idolater. (Ok, ok I get it. Idols are bad, people who like idols are bad. ENOUGH)

39. Not to save the idolater.

40. Not to say anything in the idolater's defense.

41. Not to refrain from incriminating the idolater.

42. Not to prophesize in the name of idoltry.

43. Not to listen to a false prophet. (I think all modern day prophets are bullshit artists. I listen to them for entertainment purposes, and shake my head at how easily some people are fooled into wanting to play Adult Make Believe)

44. Not to prophesize falsely in the name of God.

45. Not to be afraid of killing the false prophet. (Is this why Glenn Beck wore a bulletproof vest at his MLK white restoration rally??)

46. Not to swear in the name of an idol. (I want to fuck Kellie Pickler. Oops. I've sinned.)

47. Not to perform ov (medium). (Ov is apparently supernatural stuff.)

48. Not to perform yidoni ("magical seer") . (Yidoni is hocus pocus type bizness as well.)

49. Not to pass your child through the fire to Molech. (Um, what? How about a blanket condemnation of passing any child or human through a fire, whether its to Molech or to barbecue or any reason? What the fuck is Molech? According to Google, Molech is "a detestable Semitic deity honored by the sacrifice of children, in which they were caused to pass through or into the fire". I thought there was one God, and we weren't supposed to deal with false prophets/idols? Who is this Molech jabroni? This is redundant and seems to go without saying: don't burn your babies for any reason. Unless, I guess, they worship idols.)

50. Not to erect a pillar in a public place of worship. (I'm erecting a pillar right now, baby.)

51. Not to bow down before a smooth stone. (WUT? What's with this geology? Why is it ok to bow down before a rough stone? Why would anyone bow in front of a stone anyway, regardless of its stony texture? This shit is dated and confusing.)

52. Not to plant a tree in the Temple courtyard.

53. To destroy idols and their accessories. (Here we go again with the anti-idol stuff...)

54. Not to derive benefit from idols and their accessories.

55. Not to derive benefit from ornaments of idols.

56. Not to make a covenant with idolaters.

57. Not to show favor to them. (blah blah blah)

58. Not to let them dwell in the land of Israel.

59. Not to imitate them in customs and clothing.

60. Not to be superstitious.

61. Not to go into a trance to foresee events, etc.

62. Not to engage in astrology.

63. Not to mutter incantations.

64. Not to attempt to contact the dead.

65. Not to consult the ov.

66. Not to consult the yidoni. (Ov and Yidoni sound like the names of some hot exchange students from Laos or something)

67. Not to perform acts of magic.

68. Men must not not shave the hair off the sides of their head. (WHOA! Where did this one come from? I was getting bored, and then all of the sudden, this anti-mohawk creed came out of left field.)

69. Men must not shave their beard with a razor. (How about a Gillete Mach 3 multi-razor?)

70. Men must not wear women's clothing.

71. Women must not wear men's clothing. ("Here comes Dick, he's wearing a skirt. Here come Jane, you know she's sporting a chain."- Paul Westerberg)

72. Not to tattoo the skin.

73. Not to tear the skin in mourning. (anti-goth statement here.)

74. Not to make a bald spot in mourning. (When people mourn, do they pull their hair out? Why would you make a bald spot and/or feel the need to tell people to stop making bald spots when they are in mourning? I'm getting less and less clear on these as I go through this, which was the exact opposite result that I was looking for.)

75. To repent and confess wrongdoings. (I was wrong to try to find logic in this list. This is incredibly strange stuff.)

613 Mitzvot- Maimonides list 1-25 (A Spiritual Self-Examination)

2010-09-05T13:20:00.000-04:00

1. To know there is a God. (I don't "know" this for a fact and no one does. It'd be helpful if God could brief us on exactly what interpretation of his existence is right. Or spend more time making himself visible instead of being a cryptic recluse, because no one seems to know what to believe.)

2. Not to even think that there are other gods besides Him. (as a human being, I find it hard to not think about things. Especially after reading this. It's like saying "don't think about sex". Of course, after hearing that, I'm instantly thinking about sex. Ok, I'm thinking about sex anyway. Bad analogy. Anyway, this seems like an unrealistic and unnecessarily insecure thing to ask. Again, please provide us modern screwed up folk with more proof. We are scientific. Give me a reason beyond old written scriptures to believe, and I'll be your #1 follower.)

3. To know that he is One. (Ok, I'll agree to that. If there is a God, it is most likely one God. Modern religions all seem to be monotheistic. Why were people so wrong about this, though, say, in the days of the Greeks?)

4. To love Him. (If there is a God, I do love him. But I have to wonder why he is hiding and making his existence such a confusing mystery for us. Kind of a dick move. God is better than that...isn't he?)

5. To fear Him. (If he exists, he is a powerful figure whose power should be feared, a la Steinbrenner. I don't like it when fear is a built in prerequisite though. I fear a lot of things.)

6. To sanctify his name. (We are all guilty of misusing the word "God", I think. It's become part of our modern vernacular. In other words, if this is all the truth, and God is legit, he can not be happy with us.)

7. Not to profane his name. (See No. 6. Uh-oh, that's 2 seperate ones on this topic. We may be in big trouble.)

8. Not to destroy objects associated with His Name. (Bibles, Korans, Torahs, churches, mosques and synagogues can never be destroyed. I agree, simply based on my own respect for believers. By this rationale, man has failed miserably for years on this one. Just to be safe: don't destroy objects associated with any religion.)

9. To listen to the prophet speaking his Name. (Most of the "prophets" are clearly con artists who I believe are the biggest sinners amongst us: manipulating and using fear of God as a way to profit. Televangelists and Republicans, by this rationale, should be listened to. I've listened to them, and I know that they are not speaking for the supernatural good as I believe in it. But maybe they are right. It sure feels wrong.)

10. Not to test the Prophet unduly. (I read this as "Don't fuck with Glenn Beck", which if it's true, truly sucks. If that guy is right about things, then I don't really like it here.)

11. To emulate his ways. (How? By being mysterious and vacant and leaving my motives open to interpetation? Done!)

12. To cleave to those who know Him. (huh huh, "cleave". It strikes me that these seem like they were written by charlatans who were trying to gain control of other people's lives. Maybe I don't trust my fellow man enough, but I know that the ones who claim to speak for God are usually pieces of shit. I do love me some cleave, though.)

13. To love other Jews. (I've become much more in touch with my ethnicity and my love for my fellow Jews. Not at the expense of non-Jews, however. I do love the feeling of having common bonds with others, culturally speaking. It's truly beautiful to feel welcome and to welcome others. My tolerance for haters is low.)

14. To love converts. (I do love me some Amar'e Stoudamire.)

15. Not to hate fellow Jews. (I don't want to "hate" anyone.)

16. To reprove a sinner. (That's what this blog is all about, innit?)

17. Not to embarass others. (I actively try to make others around me feel good about themselves in public. I never want to be the source of any discomfort. This has always been part of my moral fabric, although I never thought of it as a religious duty. Others in my family do not follow this commandment, sadly.)

18. Not to oppress the weak. (I need a definition for "weak" please. Mentally weak= stupid people can be dangerous at times. See: George W. Bush. I don't oppress anyone though, mostly because I'm in no position to do so.)

19. Not to speak derogatorily of others. (Oops. That's what this blog is all about, innit? Some people deserve to be taken to task, and it's my duty to do so.)

20. Not to take revenge. (Does this mean no death penalty?)

21. Not to bear a grudge. (It is very toxic carrying around anger towards someone. This is healthy advice, although in some circumstances, such as the murder of a loved one, seems impossible.)

22. To learn Torah. (Nice product placement. "Buy my book!".)

23. To honor those who teach and know Torah. (My Rabbi was a total asshole who shouldn't get away with being a dick because he's an expert on the Torah. In fact, standing in front of the Torah, he told me that he was embarassed to be there with me. Fuck off. I'd love to meet a good man/woman who is an expert in Jewish holy scripture, but sadly, most of them will not tolerate my questions or sense of humor about all of this.)

24. Not to inquire into Idoltry. (Let the record show that I have NEVER texted my vote for who I think is the next American Idol.)

25. Not to follow the whims of your heart or what your eyes see. (Is any human being not guilty on this one? We are supposed to ignore our impulses for self-gratification and live a miserable life? Our modern culture is built on doing the exact opposite of this. God must really hate us, hate America, and hate capitalism.)

Top 15 Best Debut Albums of All Time

2010-09-03T22:17:00.002-04:00

15. Cheap Trick- Cheap Trick
14. The Replacements- Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Trash
13. R.E.M.- Murmur
12. Sex Pistols- Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols
11. Patti Smith- Horses
10. The Stooges- The Stooges
9. Guns N' Roses- Appetite for Destruction
8. The Modern Lovers- Modern Lovers
7. Big Star- #1 Record
6. Television- Marquee Moon
5. The Clash- The Clash
4. Moby Grape- Moby Grape
3. Ramones- Ramones
2. The Jimi Hendrix Experience- Are You Experienced?
1. The Velvet Underground- The Velvet Underground and Nico

Top 10 albums of the past 5 years (2006-2010)

2010-09-03T21:46:00.002-04:00

10. LCD Soundsystem- Sound of Silver
9. Amy Winehouse- Back to Black
8. Beach House- Teen Dream
7. Janelle Monae- The Archandroid
6. MGMT- Oracular Spectacular
5. Animal Collective- Strawberry Jam
4. J Dilla- Donuts
3. Erykah Badu- New Amerykah Part One (4th World War
2. Panda Bear- Person Pitch
1. Belle and Sebastian- The Life Pursuit

Rihanna

2010-08-28T11:03:00.002-04:00

Rihanna is not getting enough credit for her public battles with abuse and the effect it has on the victim.

In some ways, it is infuriating and frustrating to see how 99% of her songs are about how she not only loves bad boys, but likes being smacked around during sex. She knows that she doesn't want to be assaulted, as she was by Chris Brown, but there is still a clear obsession with this kind of treatment.

What came first, the desire for this kind of treatment or the actual abuse? This is something mental health experts have been looking into for years.

For the first time ever, we have an artist very publicly struggling with this. It's not always pretty, but it is as absolutely real as anything in pre-packaged modern pop right now.

House of Ruth needs to realize that this woman is still dealing with the aftermath of the trauma, albeit in a very public way (They criticized her participation in Eminem's new "bad relationship/psychodrama" video).

It's all over

2010-08-21T14:23:00.002-04:00

Ever have one of those weeks where you realize that we are self-destructing as a country and as a people?

I used to think that in terms of politics, we had failed to really get governing down pat.

Now I realize, through greed for money and self-gratification, we have completely screwed ourselves in the long run.

I also realize that by saying this, I sound like I have schizophrenia. I'm not sure if I'm going mad, or just becoming tragically more aware of my surroundings.

I see absolutely no hope for us, collectively, which is positively devastating.

What choice do I have now? Do I accept this, yet go on blindly trying to find ways to cope with the reality by ignoring it and living for some Ayn Rand selfish gratifiaction, or do I realize that kind of thinking is what's been our undoing?

I think, until I figure this all out...I'm just going to write about it, mostly so future generations can hopefully learn something from our errors. Then again, future generations may not have lives resembling ours at all.

America's Death by Avarice is ongoing. To steal a line from Peter Fonda, "We blew it".

An ongoing list of covers that are actually better than the originals

2010-08-20T12:00:00.002-04:00

1. Jimi Hendrix- "All Along the Watchtower" (Bob Dylan)
2. Aretha Franklin- "Respect" (Otis Redding)
3. White Stripes- "I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself" (Burt Bacharach)
4. Chaka Khan- "I Feel For You" (Prince)

A look at MSNBC on air talent, Part 1

2010-08-18T17:18:00.002-04:00

Morning Joe himself, Joe Scarborough- Sometimes, he comes off as the rarist of rares: a sane right winger. Sometimes, he looks like a little boy in elementary school. Often, he is the never maturing jock frat boy who has to bring up college sports to every guest he has on as a way of "male bonding". He is so unbelievably sensitive to criticism that he has pouted through entire weeks of his show after someone accused him of being wrong about something. Summing him up: smart guy, occasionally is ok, but is often an unbearable person to deal with. Also, the sketchy details of his dead intern from his last days as a U.S. Senator have never been adequately explained. (Don't ask him, he'll sue, he'll go crazy, and he'll pout for weeks).

Mika Brzyzinski - She's the super uptight, but sultry, co-worker who you never really talk to/like...but then, at an office happy hour, she has a few glasses of wine, and is all of the sudden sloppily flirting with you...you flirt back, have a drink or two, and end up bending her over the sink in the bathroom before both of you can regain your bearings and never speak again. She adds nothing to discussions, even when she leads them.

Mike Barnicle- never adds anything. NOTHING.

Donny Deutsch- A marketing guy, who is on TV because A) his last name sounds like the ol' vinegar and water treatment and B) he's a good looking older guy who wears shirts that are 3 sizes too small to show off his physique. I think he's friends with someone in programming, because he has been bouncing around the MSNBC airwaves for years, and I'm not really sure why.

Jim Cramer- This coked up, insane con-artist got verbally destroyed by Jon Stewart, and was cowering while admitting that his whole career was a big fraud in a classic moment of TV journalism. His loyal co-workers retaliated by trashing Stewart as just a lowly comedian for an entire week on their show while Cramer sat there and looked like this was cheering him up and encouraging him to keep pretending like he knows better than you what to do with your money. Even when he's speaking in an inside voice, he comes off like a certifiable nut job, appealing to American avarice to have a bizarre career on TV (the bizarreness comes on his own show Mad Money, shown daily on CNBC. This show makes coffee nervous.)

Pat Buchanan- We get toned down, friendly Pat here. He saves the real viscera for his column and his books. Toned down Pat is not bad TV, except for that Newt Gingrich-esque high voice, which annoys me almost as much as the rumors of the Holocaust actually taking place annoy ol' PatPat.

Richard Stengel- On Thursdays, Stengel comes on to unveil the cover of the new Time Magazine. For some reason, he is refered to as "Rick", even though his name is always displayed as "Richard". I think this is one of those deals where it's too late to correct everyone for calling him the wrong name, so he plays along. Rick is one of those guys who talks as if he has no tongue. This trait drives me bonkers. Not meant to be on TV.

Jonathan Capehart- He's gay, he's black, he's Jonathan Capehart! He's alright, but again, no need for us to put newspaper guys on TV, just because newspapers are dying.

Eugene Robinson- He's actually pretty good, but like Pat Buchanan, he's the MSNBC go to analyst about 56 times every day. Too much.

Rachel Maddow- Got a show because she was smart, polite, and likable. In other words, she is the polar opposite of everything else on cable news. If there was a smart, polite, likable right winger, I'd love to see her co-host the show with one and debate the issues in a real, fact based way. But there isn't.

Keith Olbermann- What an insane, angry, turd of a man. His irrational obsession with Bill O'Reilly has exposed him as petty and crazy. Nobody else who works with him can stand him. He seems to think he should be anchoring actual news events, which is absurd. He also believes that families gather around the TV to watch and take notes anytime he decides to weigh in with one of his earth-shattering "Special Comments". He is given carte blanche to read James Thruber stories on the air once a week, because apparently, we need Thurber on TV in 2010. His last name should be Deutsch.

Scarlett Johansson

2010-08-17T20:56:00.003-04:00

Scarlett Johansson (ScarJo) just bought a new house. I'm conflicted about her. I think she is sexy as hell, but I look at her, and for some reason, I am 99% sure that she has really bad breath and cold, clammy hands. I'm talking to the point where I'd never want to be close enough to where I could smell/feel her.

Top 10 albums of 1975

2010-08-13T23:07:00.002-04:00

10. Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here A mellow meditation on former bandmate/drug casualty Syd Barrett. All the really good Floyd albums seem to revolve around Barrett's problems. One complaint: not a lot of songs here (but they are all wonderful).

9. Queen- A Night at the Opera A varied, fun ride. Plenty of unforgettably great tunes, and the absolutely immortal "Bohemian Rhapsody", which is in its own category.

8. Brian Eno- Another Green World A cohesive, mostly instrumental, atmospheric ride, courtesy of rock's secret genius. A weird ambient album that can best be appreciated with morning listens.

7. Aerosmith- Toys in the Attic An essential hard rock album. "Sweet Emotion" and "Walk This Way" are too good to live without, and the title track and "Adam's Apple" aren't too far behind.

6. Patti Smith- Horses The poetry experiments are the worst tracks here, and they are brutal. The rest of it is passionate rock and roll of the highest order.

5. Bruce Springsteen- Born to Run Young Bruce pulled out all the stops to make this a breakthrough hit album. It's an impressive piece of work, with the most sincere passion that the man ever found on record. Comes closer to delivering on the man's overhyped careet than anything else he has done.

4. Neil Young- Tonight's The Night The musical equivalent of an Irish wake: Neil recorded this live in studio as a therapeutic exercise (exorcise?) following the drug related deaths of bandmate Danny Whitten and roadie Bruce Berry. Neil's voice falls apart constantly, which actually adds to the overall reckless, impromptu vibe that this album has. It's a vibe never found on any other piece of music in history. Somewhat depressing, yet consistent and 100% real.

3. Bob Dylan- Blood on the Tracks Bob at his most straightforward, most palatable. This is his most solid collection of songs...great arrangments, mature lyrics, gets better and better with repeated listens.

2. Fela Kuti- Expensive Shit A funk workout like no other: 2 extended tracks that never get dull, never stray into dull indulgent whack off mode, and never let up. Best album to come out of Nigeria ever.

1. Parliament- Mothership Connection George Clinton's finest work. I bought it on cassette at age 12, and fell in love with it instantly. A somewhat goofy work, with more sing along hooks per song than most asses can handle. Dr. Dre owes his whole career to this album. I owe my life to this album. Fun, fun, fun stuff.

In Defense of Yoko Ono

2010-08-12T18:10:00.002-04:00

Unlike Courtney Love and the Jimi Hendrix estate, she has maintained her deceased loved one's artistic vision in terms of how he is marketed, what is released, etc.

Jimi and Kurt both deserve better.

Janelle Monae- "Cold War"

2010-08-11T20:49:00.001-04:00

Part Sinead O' Connor, Part Gnarles Barkley, All beautiful, captivating, confusing, and brilliant.

Is America dying?

2010-08-10T22:04:00.002-04:00

It feels like it to me.

When did we jump the shark?

I bet history will look back and conclude that we lost our collective mind on 9/11 (we had never considered the possibility that we could be attacked, and we were probably so stunned and devastated by the new threat and by watching thousands die in front of our eyes that we lost perspective).

I honestly think we started losing our minds when the 24 news cycle and the internet changed the way our brains worked, changed our morals, and thus changed us collectively.

In other words: it was the O.J. Trial.

Antoine Dodson, MAN OF THE WEEK

2010-08-01T12:41:00.000-04:00

CORN PORNER- Random Internet Porn (a clinical, G-Rated review)

2010-07-25T14:37:00.001-04:00

Hi boys and girls!

It's been a long time since I led you down that scuzzy hallway all the way to Corn Porner. In fact, I think I've only done one Corn Porner entry, so this is sort of a sequel to my review of the classic slice of American Stroke Cinema, Taboo.

For this episode, I need to give a little background. I just discovered something completely stunning that you will not believe: the internet, this thing that we use to become friends from a distance? Well, unbeknownst to me and the rest of the world, this thing (the internet), has a TON of pornography on it. Free pornography of all shapes, sizes and pathologies. If you want to go think about that and come back to Corn Porner later, I'll understand. But for the rest of you, let's move on:

I found a video online which appears to have been made by a couple of guys who weren't really auteurs like De Sica, Fellini, Hitchcock, Scorsese, Stagliano and/or Randy West. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if these 2 guys saved up all their money to hire an "actress" for one big 36 minute,21 second porn, just so they could be with an attractive lady for the only time in their lives, without violating any laws.

The attractive lady in this case is named Aline. Clearly her parents knew she was going to be someone important, because they gave her ONE NAME. (Also see: Cher, Madonna, Prince, Buttman, Seka, Pocahantas, Twiggy, Moses). She is a nice looking blonde, and is clearly a professional.

The vignette (film? video? movie?) begins with a shot of a guy with glasses and a Fear Factor T-shirt dialing his buddy "Steve-O" while looking at his Mac book (this guy might know about the pornography thing I talked about earlier). Since you're never going to be there like I was, please allow me to give a quote right from the script at this point:

Fear Factor ShirtBoy, to Steve-O on the phone: "I've got these really hot, um, Ukranian chicks on my computer, if you wanna come by and check 'em out".

Apparently, Steve-O doesn't know that he could get his own computer and look at the Ukranian girls in the comfort of his own hand, but applying that logic to this particular dramatic piece is an exercise in futility.

More from FFSB to Steve-O: "I want to get your approval for when we go over there". Ok, I was wrong. They are going to the Ukraine together, to meet some nice women that are interested in some romance.

We now cut to Steve-O, who is sitting in his car calling on his cell phone to his friend Eric, who is presumably the guy we met in the first shot. For some reason, we see Steve-o tell Eric that he's coming over in 20 minutes, and then, we see a different take of him telling Eric that he's coming over in 20 minutes. The second time, we hear someone say "Cut" and we see Steve-O stop driving, look right at the camera and say "good!".

I guess they figured nobody watching this was looking for hackish filmmaking, but they didn't know that their little film (vignette? Scene study? love scene?) was going to end up RIGHT HERE IN CORN PORNER, NOW DID THEY??!!

The next scene is of our blonde heroine, Aline, in jeans and halter top, rubbing herself the right way on a couch. After a minute of this, we see Aline walk in and greet her boyfriend, Eric, a/k/a Fear Factor guy. Aline wants to try to make a baby with Eric, but he tells her A) he's much too busy looking at Ukranian women on the internet and B) Steve is on his way over, so they'll have to wait until later to try to start a family.

Not willing to take "no" for an answer, Aline stands up, some tribal drumming kicks in and Aline is going to dance. "Do you wanna see the girls?" she asks. Of course the answer is yes. Not the girls from the Ukraine, the girls meaning: the breasts of Aline.

(The Breasts of Aline sounds like some sort of ridiculous sci-fi film that only dorky guys in their mid-30s/early 40s would go see, because they keep chasing the dorky high they had when they loved Star Wars and Transformers back when they were 8 years old. Even their kids laugh at them!)

Aline is dancing and stripping seductively for Eric, and eventually, she makes her way over to him. He moves the laptop aside. She has her man's attention, and she has successfully seduced him. Soon, she is using her mouth to make herself gag, only instead of using a finger or two to bring back up her food, she's using a very-happy-to-be-there Eric.

One of the more interesting sounds here in CORN PORNER is the sound of a woman gagging and choking while doing this particular dance. It sounds like a duck quacking, only much, much hotter. Now, when I hear duck as I look out on the waters of the Chesapeake Bay on a quiet Sunday morning, I think of a sweaty woman with her makeup running down her face, eager to please. Mother Nature= gag porn.

Eventually Eric moves Aline onto all fours, and then TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES, while he enjoys a snack. Eric fluctuates from the "main buffet" to the "salad bar" so much that it is clear that he is HUNGRY. Aline voices her approval of Eric's appetite.

Keeping her in this position, Eric decides that it's time to try to make a baby. Then, he takes a seat on the couch, and Aline sits on top of him. Aline rides him like a hobby horse, if a horse's hobby was riding losers who paid actresses to star in amateur porn.

Guess who shows up?? Good ol' Steve. He just walks right in the front door. He notices the action on the couch, so he ducks behind the stairwell to watch from there, while touching his shvanz.

The two notice Steve, he gets embarassed, but Aline wants to be a good hostess, so she invites him over. That's some hospitality.

Eric introduces Aline to Steve, which concerns me. If Eric and Steve are friends, why wouldn't Aline have already known him? Also, if Aline and Eric are living together, why would Eric be cool with his live in girlfriend inviting a guy that she doesn't even know into her mouth (which she does instantly after a handshake)?

Lots of intricate plot dynamics, here.

After a minute or two. Steve seats himself on the couch, seats Aline facing out on top of him, and repeatedly visits and leaves the part of the body where Aline's food exits. Remember, they just met not even a minute ago. Color me old fashioned, but I don't think that kind of spelunking should be done until at least 20 minutes into any relationship.

While Steve takes a walk on the brown side, Eric romantically jackhammers away into his live in girlfriend's mouth. Duck noises abound!

Steve and Eric eventually take the ultimate step in male bonding, they double team young, sweet Aline. Aline's noises indicate one of three things, which may in fact all be happening at once:
1. This hurts.
2. This feels great.
3. I want more coke so I don't have to think about these two losers doing this to me.

The camera gives us a graphic colonoscopy of Aline, which was not really necessary and/or enjoyable. Things get a bit too ugly to speak about in mixed company towards the end, and I would not be a gentleman if I continued reporting what happened in this porn.

So I'll quit there, but tell you that Eric and Steve (eventually) lived happily ever after, in bad, bad places on Aline's body, and then Aline's body rejected the happy.

The fact that things end here disappoints me: What about the Ukraine trip? Will Aline ever be able to eat normally again? Will these 3 talk things over, and just face the fact that they got carried away with afternoon horniness? Where is the relationship going? What would their parents think?

A sequel seems essential although I'm not sure I have the stomach (nor does Aline have the colon) to make that possible.

INCEPTION (2010)- AN ADAMANNAPOLIS BRIEF MOVIE REVIEW

2010-07-18T20:09:00.001-04:00

I loved the concept, found the execution confusing most of the time, and the zero gravity/special effects jerkoff bonanza annoyed me. At times, it was fun to try to follow the logic, but I never want to watch this movie again. Leo is great, Juno builds a maze, and Edith Piaf is gorgeous.

***

An honest glimpse at my commitment issues

2010-07-07T23:25:00.003-04:00

I don't want to get a dog ever again in my life, because I love dogs, and I'll love this dog, and then the best case scenario is that a decade from now, I'll be able to help him die painfree.

I can't deal with a guarantee of feeling that kind of loss and/or refeeling the pain of losing a pet suddenly.

I'm fucking nuts and afraid.

M.I.A.- /\/\ /\ Y /\ (2010)

2010-07-07T23:00:00.002-04:00

(The following are my notes taken while listening to this album for the second time)

Starts with “the message”, which is Tea Party-esque, anti- government paranoia
“Steppin Out”- hip-hop harsh intro, silly simplistic lyrical hook…decent

“XXXO” best attempt at melding industrial, electronic noise and late 80s dance pop here. Fantastic.

"Teqkilla” Horrible. Too busy, too long (6 minutes). Almost a dealbreaker.

“Story to be Told” awesome intro…good overall track, very experimental sound wise…only sound that really doesn’t impress is Maya’s vocals on this one…perfect as instrumental

“It Take a Muscle” reggae! perfect single with another M.I.A. style inventive chorus a la “Paper Planes”

“It iz what it iz” Captain and Tenille on meth and hydrocodone. (That’s means I like it a lot.)

“Born Free”- good news: she samples the great late 70s duo Suicide and made a very clever video for this one…bad news: it’s more atmosphere creating than it is catchy/enjoyable. In other words: a good soundtrack to an intense film, but not really listenable on its own.

“Meds and Feds” samples labelmates, noise popsters Sleigh Bells. Not anywhere as good as that band. In fact, it’s crappy.

“Tell Me Why” starts with a weird loop from what could be the fucking Andrew Sisters for all I know, then kicks in with a song that sounds like what would happen if Animal Collective’s Panda Bear remixed old Taylor Dayne singles. Poppy late 80s vocals and melody, backing music/loops are of today. Fantastic slice of modern pop. She is the best pop innovator out there.

“Space” Starts with a siren…then M.I.A. fantasizes over a quiet simple beat…Musically: Bjork, Melodically: Oasis. Great album, in spite of a couple of noisy failed experiments. The winners win out again for M.I.A....3 excellent albums in a row...she's one of the very best.

I like having Monday off

2010-07-05T13:24:00.002-04:00

it makes Sunday that much more awesome.

I hope all of my loyal readers (most of you, judging from the recent comments, are Asian)have been doing well in this sorry state of the world.

~~The anxiety has remained at a fever pitch with regards to where Lebron is going to end up...I think it might be the greatest thing in the world if he stays in Cleveland.

~~All of my friends are having babies, which makes me proud/happy, but I'm also feeling lonely, depressed, frustrated with things, and sort of self-destructive/self-medicating. Hopefully, it's just a short phase. I've put all of my free time into music, which definitely helps.

~~I am going to do some modeling/photos in the next few months, so I'm about to go into a heavy regiment of "making myself look as good as possible". I'm so vain, I probably think this blog is about me.

~~I joined two online dating websites, and I find myself looking for two things: 1. really physically attractive women and 2. women with really interesting profiles or interests...never the twain have met. Also, I honestly feel like I have zilch to offer at this point in my life, which is a terrible feeling.

To sum up: I'm in a bad phase right now, but I've been much worse, so I'm at no risk of suicide or freak out or meltdown or whatever. Sorry to any and all who have tried to get close lately. I'm so shut off from the world, I was firing up Asberger's on the grill yesterday...(ha ha)

This blog entry was a form of therapy. It's out there in some form. Thanks for tuning in to my unraveling once again. I love you.

R. Kelly - Trapped In The Closet (Chapter 9) (LYRICS + FULL SONG)

2010-07-05T01:00:00.000-04:00

R. Kelly's southern white woman singing voice is my new favorite thing in the world.

Greatest Reunion/comeback in Rock And Roll history

2010-06-27T20:36:00.002-04:00

It used to be Tina Turner, but Dinosaur Jr. deserves consideration. The quality of their 2 albums of new material is as high as the quality of the band's finest work, 1987's You're Living All Over Me. (Farm was my favorite album of 2009)

Prince - I Wanna Be Your Lover (Unreleased) [Altered]

2010-06-18T17:05:00.000-04:00

Prince in gym shorts and thigh highs. Apparently, someone told him this looked ridiculous, so they filmed another video for this. No wonder he hates the internet so much!

Top 3 Albums of 2010 (so far)

2010-06-06T12:12:00.000-04:00

3. Sleigh Bells- Treats Equal parts pigfuck, hip hop, cheesy pop and bubblegum. As noisy as it is catchy. Must be listened to at least once a day.

2. Beach House- Teen Dream Mellow. gorgeous. blissful. The sonic equivalent of a relaxing summer vacation.

1. Janelle Monae- The ArchAndroid A staggering work of genius...Bowie meets Prince meets Badu meets Off The Wall meets Ella Fitzgerald.

(Honorable mention goes to LCD Soundsystem's fantastic This is Happening, which just missed the cut, but is worthy of repeated listens as well)

THE VERY BEST OF SUPERTRAMP

2010-06-04T21:51:00.002-04:00

This album title is the equivalent to "The very best forms of cancer one can have".

School- This song is worse than homework.

Goodbye Stranger- This one has a falsetto sung chorus which is catchy, but not really in a good way. I'm not even sure what the words are, but I feel like this melody has been a part of my life forever. Also part of my life forever: my taint. It doesn't mean I'm proud of either.

The Logical Song- Words that rhyme with logical: magical, miracle, invincible, testicle, sexual. That's sort of what this song does...it rhymes a bunch of words. It's a pretty good song.

Bloody Well Right- This one has the Supertramp bouncy full diaper sound that the first three songs did not have...I suppose the Tramp (is that what I call them for short?) discovered their signature sound here (assuming that this collection is in chronological order)...the verses here are actual HARD ROCKIN', the chorus SUCKS

Breakfast in America- What do I mean by "bouncy full diaper sound"? This song is a perfect example: Picture a kid bouncing from one leg to the other, in rhythm with the song...the kid keeps bouncing, even as food leaves his body mid-bounce...the full diaper along with the cutesy instrumentation and stench of baby butt extract are enough to drive you and the kid nuts. I'm not sure, but I think I may have had potty training issues relating to this song/band back in the day. Luckily now, I don't give a shit. LOLPUN

Rudy- Guess what? This is a piano ballad...and it's awesome. Don't believe me? Good. It is a piano ballad, but it's crap.

Take The Long Way Home- Another diaper mega-hit. These guys are sort of a rock band...but they have an annoying way of arranging their songs that makes me want to commit mass murder. The vocals sound like they are sung by some smiley goober. The piano and horns combine to irritate me into a soft rock rage.

Crime of the Century- A rock ballad that doesn't sound like Supertramp. It's still lame, but it doesn't bounce me into lunacy.

Dreamer- Sounds like The Who, if the Who played Raffi tunes.

Ain't Nobody But Me- I hate music.

Hide in Your Shell- I hate life.

From Now On- Razzle dazzle piano? Check. Vocalist who sounds like Roger Daltrey rather than the smiley guy? Check. Awful? Check. Another 6 minutes and 20 seconds of my life have been wasted.

Give a Little Bit- Ahhh...finally. This is a great, great tune. Best thing they ever did...an anthem, a love song, and it sounds even better surrounded by the horror that has been Supertramp's other "very best" songs. Seriously, you have my permission to download this one.

It's Raining Again- Truthfully, I used to love this song because of the overly dramatic music video. The song has the diaper bounce, but my nostalgia for my youth when I loved this song helps me love my SECOND SUPERTRAMP SONG IN A ROW~! I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to steal the "C'mon you little fighter" part of this song to put it in one of my band's songs...Ok, this is another good tune.

Cannonball- Could it be 3 in a row? Nope...this is 5th rate Frank Stallone like generic 80s pussyrock.

Supertramp. Even their greatest hits suck. Unless, DiaperBouncing is your thing (Sen. David Vitter!), AVOID Supertramp at all costs.

a big social pet peeve of mine

2010-06-03T22:19:00.001-04:00

Since this bothers me, I'm going to urge any of you who do it to A) not do it around me and B) stop doing it altogether, because it most likely makes you less worthy of respect. So here you go:

When you are out in a social setting with your significant lover, do not, ever, ever, ever, rag on this person, make jokes about his/her shortcomings, say anything negative at all about him/her to others. In a relationship, you are an ambassador for that person that you spend so much time with, you are an advocate, you are a part of them. Knocking them in an awkward attempt at humor just ends up making you look a jerk and a loser for being with someone that you clearly have no respect for, and it also makes you look completely classless and unworthy of love from anyone. Show that you are a couple who are proud of each other, who are lucky to know each other, etc...this doesn't mean you have to have full blown coitus on the table at dinner, but have a good time and have a good time TOGETHER.

Stop fucking this up like our parent's generation did.

No one in particular triggered this diatribe here, but I felt like I'd draw attention to it, because when I have seen it and been in the presence of it, it makes me sick to my stomach. An since I have power and influence, I'm putting it to good use.

This is not gender specific at all...both males and females are equally guilty of this horrible failing...don't fail. Make me proud by being proud of the people in your life.

From,
A damn rich man

Rest in Peace, little man

2010-05-28T15:41:00.000-04:00

71. HUSKER DU- ZEN ARCADE (1984)

2010-05-21T20:07:00.001-04:00

Something I Learned Today- Fast/loud/angry yet catchy as hell.

Broken Home, Broken Heart- an ode to a troubled teenager with a dysfunctional family. Another blazing rocker, which is more songlike than anything else the band had done up to this point in their career.

Never Talking to You Again- Acoustic Husker?? YES! Somehow, they maintain their intensity in this quiet,dismissive Grant Hart sung tune.

Chartered Trips- Bob Mould sings a lightning speed, hypersonic catchy melody. I suppose the story being told here is that this teenage boy is running away from his horrible home life.

Dreams Reocurring- This is a backwards instrumental. I'm guessing this represents the teenager running away/tripping on something as an escape from his problems.

Indecision Time- The teenager is out of his troubled world, but is confused and still fuming about how he ended up in this mess.

Hare Krishna- This is a straight up rip of "I Want Candy". The teenager is approached by all kinds of people who appeal to help save him.

Beyond the Threshold- Here comes the most intense run of songs ever recorded. Warning: not for the faint of heart. The teenager has snapped. Mould screams like a deranged lunatic, not necessarily for effect, but like he himself has completely lost it. You haven't heard pain expressed in quite this realistic a way.

Pride- The tantrum continues. This is almost so intensely personal that its hard to enjoy. It's rare to get music made with such volume and fury that is actually able to capture the nuanced emotion within the pain. Mould and co. were wonderful practitioners of this.

I'll Never Forget You- This one is almost catchy, but the storm of emotions is still boiling over...the teenager lashes out as his parents and everyone in his life.

The Biggest Lie- The fury has sort of worn off. The teenager sees everyone around him trying to through their boring lives, but he knows that its all a miserable bunch of crap.

What's Going On- An ear bleeding singalong. The teenager takes a step back, and realized that he's been too focused on thinking about his life, and its cut him off from the real world.

Masochism World- The teeanger has been living in a world of his own pain for so long, he thinks he might be used to/enjoying the pain.

Standing By The Sea- After the notoriously freaked out second act run of angst driven noise, we settle in to more melodic territory for awhile. This one features some great bass led interludes in between Grant Hart's lonely, sad stroll on the beach. Still a loud one, but extremely catchy.

Somewhere- Another loud catchy tune courtesy of Grant Hart. The teenager is desperately searching for some sort of identity and happiness in his life. Somewhere.

One Step at a Time- A nice little piano interlude.

Pink Turns to Blue- This should have been a hit single, in a world where tunes with guitars THIS TURNED UP are normal listening fodder for the masses. I used to think it was about home pregnancy tests...but I know think it's the teenager's ode to a fellow runaway that he has met who has OD'd. Maybe he got her pregnant, too? These concept albums are never easy to figure out, in case you can't tell...

Newest Industry- Another quality tune...I have no idea what this song has to do with the "story" here, I just know that we get yet another great rocker courtesy of Bob Mould.

Monday Will Never Be The Same- Another piano interlude!

Whatever- This is seemingly the most important song on the album. Mould, as narrator, tells the story of the teenage boy creating his own dream world in his mind (autism?) to help him escape the pain of his life. In other words, the pain is real, and the "running away", which didn't really seem to help, was all actually going on in his mind. Or something. Whatever. Another great tune.

The Tooth Fairy and the Princess- Voices tell the teenager to not give up, not give in, etc. It's as if he's about to wake up from his dream...it ends with him waking up...

Turn on the News- The teenager flips on his TV, and its filled with bad violent news, enough to drive anyone crazy. This is the great lost rock and roll anthem...An instant classic. So storylinewise, the previous songs were all a dream/nightmare, and now, the reality is that the nightmare is caused by us and its all over the news? AMIRITE?

Reoccuring Dreams- We close out with 14 minutes of the instrumental which was reversed earlier...it sounds remarkably similar frontwards and backwards. I'm not sure what this means for our teenager...I guess his miserable life goes on, even in his elaborate dreamworld?

I attempted to try to make sense of this double album as I wrote and listened, and while it was fun, it may have taken away some of the simple genius of the album. This entire thing was recorded and mixed in a marathon 72 hours. There are TONS of great songs here, and this one came from out of nowhere, because most of Husker Du's stuff up to this point had just been NOISY. This album was one of the first to effectively take dissonant noise and work it into melodic effective, yet super intense rock and roll.

72. BOB DYLAN- HIGHWAY 61 REVISITED (1965)

2010-05-19T21:54:00.001-04:00

Like a Rolling Stone- I'll be honest: I didn't really get this one for the longest time. Sure, it had a good chorus, and everyone around me considered it a classic, but it didn't have any personal value to me. I'm not sure what happened, but I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. This is an intensely ferocious six minute "I told you so" that is filled with angst and attitude. This song and this album, in my opinion, is Bob Dylan doing punk rock, before such a thing even existed. This is essential in any collection, clearly. Great organ by Al Kooper.

Tombstone Blues- This one's got a unrelenting beat, great imagery, and is the most effective punk/folk/blues hybrid ever recorded (my apologies to The Gun Club, but they never got close to this quality)

It Takes a Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry- This is a decent swingin' blues tune.

From a Buick 6- Another quality electrified blues-y rocker. Similar to Subterranean Homesick Blues and Maggie's Farm.

Ballad of a Thin Man- Up to this point: 3 songs over 6 minutes, 3 classics. This is a piano led ballad, with Bob baiting and taunting a certain clueless out of touch "Mr. Jones". Phenomenal.

Queen Jane Approximately- A midtempo piano/organ driven decent slice o' filler.

Highway 61 Revisited- This one is sort of generic Dylan...typical arrangement, Biblical imagery, repetitive format. Not bad, not great.

Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues- Dylan's voice actually almost sounds technically "good" here. A catchy poppy tune.

Desolation Row- An 11 minute acoustic old school Dylan folker. Back to his roots at the end of this hard rockin' statement of rock n' roll 'tude and swagger.

Download: "Like a Rolling Stone", "Ballad of a Thin Man", "Tombstone Blues", "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues"

73. GENE CLARK- NO OTHER (1974)

2010-05-19T21:21:00.002-04:00

How the hell can country rock make my all time list, you ask? You say, Addypoo, you don't even listen to country music? Well, try again. I don't listen to MODERN country music.

Clark's finest hour is this album, better than his work with the Byrds, and better than all his other solo stuff. The songs here are astounding. More astounding is that this album was not heralded at the time. Anyone who hears it now knows that it's something special. This is all the country rock you'll even need to know (suck on that, Gram Parsons):

Life's Greatest Fool- Clark tries to wax philosophical about man and our role in the world, and the incredible melody as well as the thrilling chorus (complete with gospel choir back up vocals ) render the subject matter irrelevant. An upbeat fantastic opener.

Silver Raven- This one sounds like a Bob Seger song to me. This is by no means an insult. It's a bit of a slow burn, with an out on the prarie vibe to it. Love, love, love it.

No Other- The prarie vibe continues, on this ultra catchy midtempo tune carried by a distant, fuzzed out geetar sound.

Strength of Strings- This ballad feels familiar and immediate from first listen on. The wordless hook at the beginning will have you "duh duh duh"ing along.

This is as incredible a first 4 songs on album as you will ever find.

From a Silver Phial- This piano based Band-like midtempo bounce is another fantastically catchy tune. Only a shade less stunning than the preceding songs.

Some Misunderstanding- This eight minutes plus song, like most songs of this length, would be a lot more enjoyable if it was chopped in half. Another slow to midtempo tune, this one the least thrilling on the LP.

True One- A fine, fine poppy lite country tune. Coulda been a 70s crossover hit, possibly.

Lady of the North- This ballad with the mystical romantic title cruises along pleasantly for 6 minutes over some tricked out guitar sounds.

Dig on the rustic vibe on this masterpiece.

Download: the first 4 tracks.

ADAMANNAPOLIS BEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME- #100-76

2010-05-15T16:01:00.003-04:00

These classics didn't make the arbitrary cut off point:

100. Husker Du- New Day Rising (1985)
99. Talking Heads- Remain in Light (1980)
98. The Jesus and Mary Chain- Psychocandy (1985)
97. The Replacements- Pleased to Meet Me (1987)
96. De La Soul- 3 Feet High and Rising (1989)
95. Violent Femmes- Violent Femmes (1982)
94. Big Star- #1 Record (1972)
93. Meat Puppets- Meat Puppets II (1984)
92. Public Image Ltd.- Metal Box/Second Edition (1979)
91. Big Black- Atomizer (1986)
90. Patti Smith- Horses (1975)
89. Guns 'n Roses- Appetite for Destruction (1987)
88. Public Enemy- It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (1988)
87. Bob Dylan- Blood on the Tracks (1975)
86. Bob Dylan- Bringing it All Back Home (1965)
85. The Stooges- Fun House (1970)
84. T. Rex- The Slider (1972)
83. Lynyrd Skynyrd- (pronounced leh-nerd skin-nerd) (1973)
82. The Kinks- The Village Green Preservation Society (1968)
81. Beck- Odelay (1996)
80. Nine Inch Nails- The Downward Spiral (1994)
79. The White Stripes- Elephant (2003)
78. Neil Young- Harvest (1972)
77. Rolling Stones- Let It Bleed (1969)
76. Bob Dylan- Blonde on Blonde (1966)

74. PANDA BEAR- PERSON PITCH (2007)- ADAMANNAPOLIS TOP 75 ALBUMS OF ALL TIME

2010-05-15T15:19:00.003-04:00

Baltimore's Animal Collective is considered by most hipster types to be the definitive band of the first decade of the 2000s. This solo project by AC member Noah "Panda Bear" Lennox is the most instantly appealing work that has come from the innovative experimental, ofter impenetrable and/or annoying group.

This is a mood/atmosphere album, more than it is a collection of songs. The atmosphere is a dreamy womb-like happy world, where everything cruises along at just the right rhythm and volume, and the smile never leaves your face. This album, constructed entirely of samples, sound effects, and heavily reverbed Brian Wilson like vocals, is one of the more marvelous soundscapes ever created.

Comfy in Nautica- Over a simple repetitive chant, Noah "Panda Bear" Lennox sings his thesis: "Coolness is having courage to do what's right. Try to remember always to have a good time". The music will hypontize you into believing every word. A great opener that sets up the feel of the album.

Take Pills- We start off with water-y sound effects, sounding like we are swimming in amniotic fluid/jelly as Lennox chants us through the ecstasy...about halfway through an acoustic guitar strum and clap bubble to the surface along with an irresistable Pet Sounds like melody about how we no longer need drugs to get high. This song is proof that this is 100% true.

Bros- This is the 12 and a half minute centerpiece of the album. It is one of the best songs of the 2000s. It starts with the sound of an owl, then a chiming guitar sample that continues throughout and once again, Lennox's Beach Boys style reverbed vocals singing another slice of melodic heaven. Here, Lennox demands his personal space away from naysayers and negativity so that he can bask in his happiness. More sounds are added, chants emerge that get catchier and catchier. (It's a lot easier to write that this is a perfect, transcendent piece of music than it is trying to describe why it is. Trust me. It's magic. Check it out NOW.)

I'm Not- This psychedelic 4 minutes has Lennox vocalizing a simple tune in a falsetto. A nice relaxing work that fits here perfectly. This was released as a single, but I don't really think it works outside of the context of the album (unless you are chemically altered).

Good Girl/Carrots- Another 12 plus minute song??? This is actually more like 2 songs: Good Girl features a strange rhythmic loop, and choppy bizarro singing. It's a bit disorienting, but after about 4 and a half minutes, it eventually settles into Carrots, which is pure bliss. Another catchy Beach Boys style tune. Seriously, Lennox might be better at the Beach Boys sound than Brian Wilson himself ever was. (This album, by the way, is better than Pet Sounds.) Like Bros, this never feels like its overlong. An incredible achievement, considering my normal zero tolerance for songs over 6 minutes long.

Search for Delicious- I'm usually so blissed out at this point, that I don't really pay attention to the last 2 tracks. Not that they are horrible, they definitely keep the mellow vibe going, but they don't exactly stand out. This tune is way more experimental and crazy than anything else up to this point, but thanks to the state of mind I find myself in after the first 5 tracks, I'm too relaxed to get too upset about the indulgence.

Ponytail- This is a 2 minute relatively straightforward poppy tune. Decent ending that ends the hypnotic experience rather nicely and gets the listener ready to return to the real world.

Download: "Bros", "Good Girl/Carrots", "Take Pills", "Comfy in Nautica"

ADAMANNAPOLIS- TOP 75 ALBUMS OF ALL TIME- 75. QUEEN- A NIGHT AT THE OPERA (1975)

2010-05-15T13:48:00.003-04:00

Death on Two Legs (Dedicated to...)- As nasty a musical "fuck you" as one is likely to ever hear. A gritty angst-filled rocker.

Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon- a goofy grandparent style Freddie Mercury song. Sounds like it's from the 1930s. As a comedy respite, it'= provides a nice balance after the vitriolic beginning of this work. Only a singer of Freddie Mercury's caliber could make this style of song tolerable.

I'm in Love With My Car- Roger Taylor takes lead vocal for this passion filled rocker about his wheels. A precursor for Stephen King's Christine. Fantastic.

You're My Best Friend- An exquisite instantly catchy/memorable pop song. The polar opposite of Death on Two Legs. If you're with these guys, they are great....but if you aren't...you're fucked. This is as reassuring and comforting a song as you'll ever hear.

'39- Brian May sings lead on this acoustic folky slice of heaven.

Sweet Lady- A balls out rocker which is good enough, but pales in comparison to the songs preceding it on this LP.

Seaside Rendezvous- Another granny Mercury song. This one is a little annoying.

The Prophet's Song- 8 1/2 minutes that try to sound epic, but don't really work. (Hint: there's a 6 minute epic elsewhere on this album which totally smokes it)

Love of My Life- A piano ballad. Rather formulaic.

Good Company- Granny song #3...May sings this one. Meh.

Bohemian Rhapsody- The album's dry spell of 4 mediocrities in a row comes to an incredible end. One of the great moments in rock and roll, and in musical production. The epic against which all epics are measured. Changes dynamics several times...from murder/suicide ballad to operatic call and response to defiant ear bleeding rock to tragic hopeless ending. Awe inspiring.

God Save the Queen- Brian May rocks the British National Anthem for a little over a minute. Why the hell not?

Queen proves itself capable of an incredible range of musical styles here. The indulgent stuff is kept in check, allowing the arrangements, songwriting, musicianship, and the incredible voice of Freddie Mercury to carry the listener on a hell of a ride.

Download: "Bohemian Rhapsody", "You're My Best Friend", "I'm in Love With My Car", "'39"

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE- MERRIWEATHER POST PAVILLION (2009)

2010-05-12T21:14:00.003-04:00

In the Flowers- The first 2 and a half minutes sound like someone (namely Avey Tare) trying to sing overtop a new age relaxation tape. It's a bit sleepy/dreamy/unappealingly odd. Then "IT" happens. Upon singing "If I could just leave my body for the night", The song explodes into a classical synth crescendo over tribal drumming...the dreamy vocals return, and it feels and sounds like a dreamworld, and honestly, unlike anything musically that the world has ever seen. It's a bit too new and jarring to be beautiful, and to the untrained ear, it is not pleasant...but once the listener becomes acclimated, it's importance is better grasped. Truly original.

My Girls- Phillip Glass meets Brian Wilson in the future. Again, a jarring listen, but it's melodic, repetitive, you can dance to it, etc. Some hear it and think it's an instant classic. It's too weird for me to throw that label on it. I have a feeling that in 30 years, we will know better just how groundbreaking this song actually was.

Also Frightened- The beat of this one goes like this: "boom-boom...boom-boom...boom-boom-boom...boom-boom". Wacky wacky time signature. The chorus is grating: "Are you...also...FRIGHTENENENENENENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD????????". It's sort of like nails on a chalkboard, but not as bad. Too experimental for me.

Summertime Clothes- Catchy as hell. Fantastic harmony, great sound effects thoroughout. I guess this is a good place to point out that none of the music on here comes from traditional sources...it's all samples, drum sequencers, synthesizers. In case you haven't noticed, it's quite different. This album is not your mother's tampon.

Daily Routine- Panda Bear sings what sounds like "Just a sycamore in my beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed", but apparently that's not the lyric. This is a wacky, overlong, torturous song to listen to.

Bluish- This is the most beautiful electro-love song that I can recall ever hearing. The definite highlight of this album. A great synth riff, underwater sound effects, dreamy vocals, a catchy chorus...this is close enough to a normal song and yet still wholly original: an INSTANT CLASSIC. Download now, put this on movie soundtracks, etc.

Guys Eyes- Once again, Panda Bear takes lead vocals, and sounds like Brian Wilson with more speech problems: "I really want to show to my girl that I need huh...need huh....need huh". Not bad.

Taste- This one almost sounds like spaced out reggae. The lyrics will make you cringe: "Am I really all the that are outside of me? Do you appreciate the subtleties of tastebuds?". Another good mellow filler tune.

Lion in a Coma- Jew's Harp~! The most hippie like of modern indie bands goes right for the patchouli jugular by getting eastern sounds incorporated into this crazy, yet totally fun tune. Another busy, abnormal structure.

No More Runnin'- This is a great slice of ambient pop. Less busy and confusing than some of the other tracks here...by keeping it simple and letting it breathe, the boys create a great soundscape here.

Brother Sport- A great tribal singalong dance tune, marred by an unnecessary 90 second middle section anchored by an alarm/horn sound,which would suck if it was only 15 seconds, but at 90 seconds, it seems designed to drive a listener insane. Why they would sabotage this tune in such a way is something only the Collective can explain. The coda is brilliant, so skip ahead.

There is no doubt that this album is of huge historical importance. It will irritate most people more often than not, but it will also grow on you and force you to expand your sound pallete.

Download: "Bluish", "Summertime Clothes", "Brother Sport"

***1/2

LED ZEPPELIN- LED ZEPPELIN (1969)

2010-05-09T18:52:00.007-04:00

This is the album that introduced the band's sound and changed rock and roll. (No small document, this debut album). As far as grooves go, you can't go wrong with this band, and this album brings "it" in a big, big way.

Good Times, Bad Times- Bonham fills, Jones bass runs, Page riffage, and Plant keeping the vocal theatrics to a minimum. An excellent introduction to the album/the band in under 3 minutes.

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You- We get off to a lovely acoustic start and then the drama picks up the pace and the rockage. A dynamic slice of rock and roll balladry.

You Shook Me- The first of the blatant electrified blooze rips. Six and a half minutes is too much of this with the organ and harmonica solo and whatnot, but its hard to hate on it, and chances are, if I were stoned listening to this, I'd simply sit and bob my head and groove to it like the hard rockin' youth did back in the day.

Dazed and Confused- Terrifyingly intense.

Your Time is Gonna Come- A midtempo pop oriented tune, with an organ intro, a sing along chorus, and melodic verses beautifully sung by Plant. A fantastic tease of what these guys were capable of doing.

Black Mountain Side- A tease of the experimental, eastern sound these guys experimented with on later albums. This is 2 minutes of harmless acoustic filler.

Communication Breakdown- This song will kick you in your asshole even with modern ears. I can't imagine how great it was to hear something this relentless in '69. CLASSIC.

I Can't Quit You Baby- Another blues rip which would be more embarassing if each of the 4 musicians didn't shine so much on it. Page's fills are smoky blues bar heaven, Bonham's beat is sexy as all get out, Jones grooves up and down the fretboard slowly, and Plant delivers a rare case in defense of the dreaded "white boy blues".

How Many More Times- Stealing from Howlin' Wolf is not acceptable. Again, they are so good, they earn somewhat of a pass.

The musicianship, skill, and heavy blues formula are all on display on this fine debut. Luckily, the songwriting would improve dramatically on future releases. The over reliance on recycled blues riffs and songs keeps this from being an all time classic. (Don't worry, these guys don't waste anytime topping this first shot)

Download worthy: "Communication Breakdown", "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You", "Your Time is Gonna Come", "Good Times Bad Times", "Dazed and Confused"

****1/2

Scenes from a (Mexican) cafe (To Go)

2010-03-23T20:19:00.001-04:00

1. 2 teenage girls, one with her 2 year old daughter. Mom was upset because Dad barely spends time with her and the kid.

2. Married couple, early 40s. She was giving him a minute by minute account of everything that happened at the office today. He had a 44 inch waist, and the PTSD long distance stare. I think the traumatic stress has been 15 years X 365 days of hearing about her workday in detail. He's too nice a guy to tell her he doesn't care, but it looks like the love they had back in the 90s has been replaced by a hunger for tacos.

3. 4 gruff looking men in their 50s, all dining together, possibly some sort of construction crew.

4. 30 something nothingman nowhereman, sitting, looking like only he can look, waiting for his takeout, quietly judging everyone in the joint.

Alex Chilton has passed away

2010-03-17T21:54:00.001-04:00

One of the all time greats has died of a heart attack at age 59.

My 2 wacky theories of the day

2010-03-04T16:22:00.001-05:00

1. Space travel/Outer Space/NASA are not real. I bet a million dollars that you don't know anyone who has actually been in space. The moon landing was an orchestrated event to make us feel superior to the "evil" Russians in the paranoid Cold War days. Christa McAulliffe was killed in front of our eyes in an effort to try to scare kids away from wanting to be astronauts. (It worked.) All of that zero gravity footage was somehow replicated on Earth by Ron Howard for Apollo 13. Hmmm. When the Wright brothers invented air travel, it took little time for citizens to get in on that action. Hmmm. My theory: we live in a really big tent.

2. Man, perhaps not that long ago, regularly ate his own feces, because he didn't understand exactly what the dangers associated with it were. I'm talking even in the last 1,000 years. I hope I'm wrong.

PROVE ME WRONG

PRINCE & THE REVOLUTION- AROUND THE WORLD IN A DAY (1985)

2010-02-28T10:07:00.003-05:00

While Purple Rain was still a megahit, Mr. Nelson had the balls to release this album, which is sort of his take on 60's psychedelia. It was a risky commercial and artistic move. At the time, fairweather fans were disappointed, but listening to it now, it's a hell of a fun little nugget in the catalog of the brilliant artist:

"Around the World in a Day" sets the tone instantly: flutes, tribal drumming, a simple chorus, and Prince welcoming us into his world, like he's Willie Wonka. A small, purple Willie Wonka: "Come here take my hand, I'll show you, I think I know a better way, y'all". It wouldn't be a Prince song if he didn't exclaim "I think I wanna dance!" right before an instrumental breakdown.

"Paisley Park" has a slow Linn drum beat, surreal goofy lyrics, and is totally awesome. Probably too strange a song to have been a Top 40 hit, it nonetheless is a highlight. How to get into the park: "Admission is easy, just say you believe, then come to this place in your heart". Sounds good to me.

"Condition of the Heart" is 6 minutes and 48 seconds like no one has ever recorded before. It opens with 2 plus minutes of piano, woodwinds, and creepy atmospheric synth noodling, and is as close to classical as Prince ever got. Then, after a pause, a great piano ballad takes shape. Prince sings in his falsetto about "a girl in Paris whom he sent a letter to", "a dame from London who insisted that he love her" and "a woman from the ghetto who made funny faces just like Clara Bow". All of these women remind our little man of a woman who has him completely out of wack...The epic chorus: "OOOOOH! Thinking about you, driving me crazy. OOOOOH! My friends all say it's just a phase. But, OOOOOOOHHHHH! Every day is a yellow day...I'm blinded by the daisies in your yard." CLASSIC Prince.

"Raspberry Beret" is another classic. It's a perfect pop song about losing one's virginity. Great imagery in the lyrics, a perfect beat, wonderful strings, etc. A perfect song to listen to, especially on those days when you are busy doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before. "They say the first time ain't the greatest, but I tell ya, if I had the chance to do it all again: I wouldn't change a stroke, 'cos baby I'm the most, with a girl as fine as she was then". I LOVE this lyric, and how it is delivered with such passion.

"Tamborine" is a freaked out funky tune which is a classic among the hardcore Prince fans. It's insanity is its best feature. In other words, you won't get it stuck in your head, but it's definitely a great listen.

"America" is an oddly dated tune. Prince was all about Reagan at this point, and his jingoism is on display in full force here. "America, America God shed his grace on thee...America, America..keep the children free". Take that you evil commies!

"Pop Life" was the second hit single off the album, following "Raspberry Beret". It's a strange slow burn with a great bass groove, and anti-drug, anti-depression, anti-dropout lyrics. Prince's message to everyone: "Life it ain't that funky, unless it's got that pop". I'm sure it made sense to him at least. At the 3:02 mark, the song drops out, and some sort of crowd noise briefly takes over. It's jarring, out of place, and a source of mystery. Some believe that this audio is from when Prince was booed offstage while opening for the Rolling Stones in 1981. Who knows? It's the "Paul is Dead" moment of this most Beatlesque Prince album.

"The Ladder" is this album's "Purple Rain". The verses are spoken, and really aren't that exciting, but once the irresistable chorus kicks in, all is right with the world. In 1988, at a filmed tour rehearsal, Prince sat down at a piano and did this one all by himself, and it was 50 times more magical than it comes across here with all Revolution hands on deck.

"Temptation" is 8 minutes plus of a horn fueled forgettable jaunt. "Everybody on this earth has got a vice/mine is the opposite of ice". In case you didn't realize it, Prince has to confess that he has a weakness for poony. This album is about as PG as Prince could get in the 1980s, but he still couldn't keep his mind off the vajayjay. Who can? This song gets ridiculous at the end, with Prince arguing with God about lust vs. love or something equally nutty and self-indulgent.

Without the benefit of drugs, which he shunned, Prince's version of psychedelic music is basically a strange hybrid of his normal MPLS sound, a positive, Americanized/Utopian worldview, and a hint of pussyfever. In other words, GOOD TIMES.

BUTTHOLE SURFERS- LOCUST ABORTION TECHNICIAN (1987)

2010-02-27T20:46:00.005-05:00

(Cue: dreamy synthesizers...as the listeners are lulled into the calm womb of the music, the dialogue begins:

"Daddy?"

"Yes, son?"

"What does regret mean?"

"Well son, a funny thing about regret is: that it's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done...and by the way, if you see your mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her

SATAN!

SATAN!

SATAN!"

The preceding constitutes the first and most normal 90 seconds of the freaked out conceptual work that is the album Locust Abortion Technician. The Buttholes have always been drugged out dadaists, but on this album, they took things to a terrifying level of legitimate recorded insanity. No record in history has travelled this road as a collected body of work before or after. This one is in a frightening category of its own.

"Sweat Loaf" is a remake/rework of Black Sabbath's "Sweet Leaf", that features lead vocalist Gibby Haynes adjusting his pitch shifted vocal noises to hell. It rocks and kicks in HARD after the above referenced "Satan!", and then slows down for occassional acoustic rests, before exploding back into the chaos. You may get nauseous from all of the back and forth, but it does kick some serious ass.

Up next is the first of two takes of the tune "Graveyard", and I use the term "tune" loosely. Everything here is pitch shifted down to a slllllooooowwwww deeeeppp ttttttttttteeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmppppppppppooooooooooooo. Anyone not blasted on narcotics and/or insane would usually go running for their lives at this point.

But, not so fast. This soundtrack to lunacy has barely begun! "Pittsburgh to Lebanon" is another sllllooooowww buuuurrrnnnn, with a demented Pennsylvania blues feel to it. This is where you start itching and pulling out your hair, because the drugs and life itself have turned on you.

"Weber" is 35 seconds of guitar noodling, simply designed to give you a headache on top of everything else one experiences mentally listening to this.

"Hay" is a tape manipulation collage from the south side of Hell which lasts 1:51. Vomiting and scratching out eyeballs may begin now.

"Human Cannonball" sounds positively poppy after the onslaught experienced up to this point...the drum beat is actually uptempo (!!), the pitch shift-y vocals eventually begin (gulp) singing an actual tune, and its a damn fine one. Sure, this would in no way sound right on a mix with other songs by other artists, but knee deep in Locust Abortion Technician, it is so aesthetically pleasing, and restores a listeners faith in their own future. An important song.

"U.S.S.A." is a really stupid "song", featuring someone screaming "U.S.S.A.? U.S.S.R.?", I guess trying to make some larger point about the Cold War. As a listener, you will be crying and screaming for Mommy to come rescue you from this crazy daycare center right about now.

"The O-Men" is another tape manipulated tune, this time it rocks pretty fast, and features a high pitched chant-y chorus that is scary in a Satanic cult kind of way. MOMMY!!! HELP!

"Kuntz" is my personal favorite moment on the album, and the opening of it has constituted the backing music on my outgoing voicemail message for years. The song itself is not actually even performed by the band: it's a recording of a Thai pop song which is manipulated at a certain point to sound like the dirty word in the title. It's at least not terrifying, and somewhat humorous.

"Graveyard" again? In case we didn't get enough the first time...this time, things are almost normal...but what is normal at this point?

"22 Going on 23"- How else to close out the craziest album ever but with the sampling of a crazy woman calling in to a radio show claiming that she has been sexually assaulted (it turned out that she was just making it up to get attention, apparently, but that's not revealed here) over another slow, heavy grungy musical backdrop.

This is the craziest, bad trip concept album of all time. The songs are not really songs, just more nutty experiences on the bad trip...Some people consider it a masterpiece. While I love this band, I find this one too crazy, even for me. It freaks me out, which makes it a success I suppose, but I feel like I've just been sodomized and tortured by a band of lunatics dressed in aluminum foil.

If you care to see how this is possible, I suggest you check out Locust Abortion Technician.

I encourage you to throw this on at your next social gathering, just as an experiment.

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE- FALL BE KIND (2009)

2010-02-27T20:05:00.002-05:00

I feel like it is my duty to review/listen to this band a lot, because they are most likely the most important band working today, and none of us over 25 can truly understand their music.

In other words, maybe I'm just trying to be some sort of hipster rather than a balding old fuddy duddy.

Or, maybe I just like that the band originated in Baltimore.

Whatever.

In January of 2009, the band released their most praised full length, Merriweather Post Pavillion, which won the all important Village Voice Pazz & Jop Top Album of 2009.

In December of 2009, the band released these 5 tunes that did not fit on the full length as an EP.

I found portions of the full length completely perplexing/annoying to listen to, and preferred their previous crazy full length, Strawberry Jam.

This EP, one of several the band has released, is much more easy to digest that MPP for us old folk.

"Graze" starts off like a song from an old Disney movie, with singer Avey Tare welcoming us in while string samples swirl, then vocalist Panda Bear takes over, and it's like the Beach Boys have invaded our earholes...after this double welcome from the two leads, and I'm not kidding at all about this, a sample of Zamphir's panflute kicks in, and we get into an insane hoedown, which ends up being less insane the more one listens. It's actually a great, great track. One of the band's best to check out.

"What Would I Want? Sky" is the first song officially allowed the "honor" of sampling the Grateful Dead. It is a tremendously appealing little tune, once the extended-annoying-drugged out-kaleidoscope-eyes intro dies down, and we get to the heart of it: Phil Lesh, looped while Avey Tare (what's that name even mean, and what's the point of it?) croons a great, shockingly normal melody. If you can make it past the first 2 min 2o seconds, you will be rewarded. I promise.

"Bleed" is filler, but painfree filler. It's 3 and a half minutes, and is basically a typical old school Animal Collective throwaway (like something on their Feels album) that is most likely written to go along with some sort of visual art. Without it, it's just sort of like taking 13 Benadryl and trying to jog. (Don't try this)

"On A Highway" is sort of a throwaway as well, but I love it. It's fun. It's got heavily reverbed noises which I can't identify overtop complex rhythmic drumming that comes in for a bit, then leaves, but all of that's par for the course with these guys.

(I have no idea how to explain this band's music to someone who hasn't heard it, as you can tell. This is not something you listen to at your cubicle at work.)

The EP closes with "I Think I Can", a Panda Bear led track that sounds and feels like simultaneously the best and worst trip one could have, hallucinogenically speaking (and I don't even have enough experience with heavy hallucinogens to make such a statement)

This is sleepy druggy music, and even though I'm awake and not on drugs, I still feel WACKED while listening to it. That's a pretty powerful thing to be able to do with music.

THE FUTURE IS HERE~!

PRINCE- BATMAN (1989)

2010-02-27T19:37:00.004-05:00

One night in the winter of 1988-89, I had a dream that seemed completely ridiculous and random at the time.

In the dream, I turned on WAVA (a D.C. area top 40 radio station at the time), and a new Prince song was getting world premiered. The first 35 seconds of this new Prince song were actually the sampled opening musical moments of "The Muppet Show".

Fast forward about 6 months, and the first single from this incredibly strange album hit the radio.

"Batdance", to put it mildly, is the most horrible piece of shit that Prince has ever done. It's 6 minutes of samples from the Batman movie, snippets of the Batman theme, and fragments of melodies from other songs that all fit together into something that was clearly created in the "doing ecstasy with Martika" phase of Prince's career. Due to the movie being promoted like crazy, this song made it all the way to Number 1 on the Hot 100.

Muppets? Batman? Same thing. I'm psychic.

At the time, Prince was in desperate need of a hit, so I'll forgive him for his crass commercialized sellout.

Tim Burton's Batman film was a dark, strange take on the popular comic character, and was mostly an excuse for Jack Nicholson to ham it up as The Joker.

Prince's "soundtrack" has little relation to the film, for better or worse.

He apparently cranked these 9 tunes out in one of his famous marathon sessions, and the results are hit or miss.

"The Future" is an ominous way to start things off, and is not notable other than for a cool sounding drum tone and a line about how the Purple guy would rather "drink 6 razor blades from a paper cup" than take ecstasy, which kills my whole Martika/MDMA theory re: "Batdance", doesn't it?

"Electric Chair" is a very good rocker which was performed live at the 15th Anniversary show for Saturday Night Live. At the time of the release, this was my favorite song on the album.

"The Arms of Orion" is a super cheesy attempt at winning an Oscar for Best Song (didn't even get nominated)...it's a duet with Sheena Easton, and is not one of their finer collaborations. In other words, the song sho-nuff do not be cookin' in my book...

"Partyman" is an unfinished party tune which has no fun vibe to it at all. The second half of the 3:12 song features some great tossed off Prince lines such as "Ain't nuthin' but a muffin, we got a lotta butter to go" and the sage advice: "If it breaks when it bends, you'd better not put it in". Still, disappointing.

"Vicki Waiting" is one of the few standouts here. It's got a sense of humor (Prince tells a joke here, which I won't ruin for you), it's got a midetempo Stevie Wonder vibe, and the best chorus on the album. A keeper.

"Trust" is a much better upbeat dance tune that "Partyman", and is another standout here, but I wouldn't put it in my top 100 Prince tunes of all time, so fuck it.

"Lemon Crush" is weird at least. I just listened to it for the first time in 20 years, and I haven't missed it.

"Scandalous" is the CLASSIC on here. Most Prince albums have a few classics, but this was a rare shitfest. Nonetheless, "Scanadalous" is most likely his best scorching sexy slow jam...his falsetto is perfect, the bells are a nice touch, the lyrics are X-Rated, and Prince got some nice orgasm sample noises out of Kim Basinger (which he would use for years after, being the classy guy that he is).

This album barely counts as part of the Prince story, but it was worth revisiting, as a bizarre curiosity.

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW- FEBRUARY 24, 2010

2010-02-24T19:50:00.002-05:00

Oh, hi Mark.

Last night, the ladies failed to establish themselves as memorable and/or worth tuning in next week to see, so hopefully there is some seriously funny shit to make fun of amongst these 12 shvanzhavers.

Seacrest IN~!

1. Todrick Hall- Little known fact: Freshman year at Dickinson College, I lived at Todrick Hall. He sang Kelly Clarkson's "Since You Been Gone". He did it New Jack Swing-y/Usher style. The catchy chorus was effectively killed. He moved well, but it's amateur hour. The judges didn't recognize the song, didn't care for it. Simon: "Verging of Shtuuupid". Todrick admitted at the end that he was responsible for the radical re-arrangment, which strikes me as both impressive and frightening. Not the start America was hoping for.

{I have Donovan's "Sunshine Superman" stuck in my head at the moment}

2. Aaron Kelly- He's 16. forgot his words in Hollywood, has pimples, and a mini Judd Hirsch schnozz. He sang some generic modern CUNTry song that is complete crap. Get off my TV, kid. go learn about music and how to make an impression. Simon, of course, liked it. Kara liked it. These judges aren't working with me. Apparently, this kid is cutesy, so everyone loves him. I don't see it.

{Zooey Deschanel singing on a commercial for cotton is 4, 567 times better than anything I've seen on this stupid competition. Her music project She & Him returns with a new album this year!}

3. Jermaine Sellers- He wore a hat, which I suppose was suppose to impress me in some way. I'm not in the mood for this show, I hate television, I hate the weather. He sang Oleta Adams "Get Here", which was a nice tune. Jermaine's version doesn't work for me. Good song choice though. Alan Generate didn't think he actually felt the song. The judges all shit on him, and he doesn't take it well. This kid came off as kind of a major asshole, so I wish him failure.

4. Tim Urban- Holy Shit, this kid looks like the second coming of BOBBY SHERMAN. I think America needs another Bobby Sherman, and I'm not even joking. He sadly fails to sing a teenybopper tune, choosing some generic modern R&B schlock. He's got a pleasant voice, but butchers all his high notes. BADLY. This show is ass. I hate the sun, I hate the earth. Bobby Sherman, where for art thou? For some reason, tonight, Kara looks sexy to me. At least that's something. The judges didn't likey. This kid is given time to defend himself, and he badly butchers his plea to have America vote for him. Buh-bye.

{Time out...Joanna Newsom's new album came out today. She's a crazy harp playing indie superstar...}

Back to shitty music!

5. Joe Munoz- This kid has negative TV charisma. Fuuuuuck. Thhhhhhhis. Shhhhhhhow. Jason Mraz? I'd prefer "less az", please. Snore, snore, medicore. He's got a fuzzy head, but at this point, it's just not enough. Ellen liked the presence. Randy talked. Kara talked. Simon talked. I'm not even listening.

6. Tyler- Apparently, Neil Young's son has entered the competition. Total 70s throwback. "American Woman". He did the rock star moves, but they weren't all that exciting. Just ok. The judges thought he needed to change his style. Ellen, by the way, is by far the best judge, being the only real talent on the show.

7. Lee- He sells paint. I want to buy some from him and watch it dry, because that's how bad this show is. Snow Patrol song.

I QUIT. THIS SHOW CAN SUCK MY NUTS.

Love,

AAR

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW- FEB. 23, 2010

2010-02-23T19:43:00.004-05:00

It's been awhile since I'd seen 12 girls compete for anything, but that's another story...THIS....is....

ABERICAN IDOL.

Ellen, Randy, Kara, And Simon were the judges. Something was missing. Something small, of mixed ethnicity, forever my girl, pilled up, straight up, and always entertaining. I'm instantly bored without Paula.

Ellen, by the way, was hilarious, and too good for this suckfest. She also looked A LOT like Ellis Hennigan tonight.

1. Paige Miles- Scratchy voiced WOMAN OF COLOR teacher. She does the 70s rock classic "All Right Now" by Free. It was good enough. Simon thought she had the best voice of all the women, but didn't like the choice. Kara thought the song was brilliant. Re: Kara. Pretty girl, but completely doesn't do it for me. Randy parroted both Simon AND Kara. Ellen went ahead and made the joke that I made about Randy agreeing and disagreeing. You stole my thunder, Ellis/Ellen. Meh.

2. Ashley Rodriguez- With a name like that, she shoulda been much more attractive than she actually was. {I have no idea what that means, but I'm not erasing it. This is a singing competition after all, and not a suckfest. (I've decided to use the word "suckfest" a lot today, so here it is for all eternity. 3 times now.)} Ashley didn't know the hit singles of Jordin Sparks, much to Simon's chagrin. Whatever. Leona Lewis cover time...To be fair, Ashley looked fine enough, just not worthy of her name. This performance did not yank my proverbial crank, but wasn't the worst thing to ever happen to me. A bit too whiny. Kara heard some nice moments, but thought the song was too big. Randy didn't hear enough of her. Ellen didn't dig it. Simon didn't either. POOPS.

Ryan Seacrest? Doesn't button the top button when wearing a tie. SLOB

3. Janell Wheeler- I bet if you asked a million people to draw what they think someone named "Janell Wheeler" looked like, NONE of them would draw this girl. If her name was WASP-y VonTrapp, the exercise would turn out different. {What's with me and all of my appearance crap I'm dishing out this year? Can you tell that I hate my TV?.} Janell is a wine sales rep. She's cute. She covered Heart's 1986 hit "What About Love". Why does it turn me off when girls paint their nails dark colors? I need to get over that. She started off well, then went shaky and off key/time. This show is KARAOKE NIGHT, without the alcohol. Randy: "Yo, yo...wasn't my favorite song choice". They cut away to her father, who is apparently the result of a Christopher Walken/Orrin Hatch breeding. Oh, yeah, the judges...Simon said what I said. Kara thought the song was too big. I didn't hear what Ellen said, because I was too busy typing about this woman's father. I'm off my game, kids.

{I just left an urgent message on my sister's answering machine that went a bit like this: "This show is worse than ass cancer"}

4. Lilly Scott- Lilly is clearly the choice to fill the "young looking cutter/rocker chick" demographic amongst the Idol contestants. She's 20 with a rugged voice. She was once homeless, like Jewel, minus the snaggletooth. She sang "Fixin' A Hole" from Sgt. Peppers...crazy choice. John, George, and the original Paul are now rolling around in their respective holes in the ground. She tried to sing it sexy, but it was WORSE THAN ASS CANCER. The shitz. Ellen liked it. WUT? Simon thought she was the best so far. Kara: "You're believable". I have a whole different ear then these people. Randy called her "an indie artist". FUCK OFF...Go get Joanna Newsom's new album tomorrow,she's an indie artist worth a damn.

5. Katelyn- This girl is lovely in a "I want to have sex with her hair" kind of way. (Also see: Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.) She's 19, which is too young for me, but I still want to build a nest of love in her hair, and I don't even have any twigs. More Beatles! "Oh Darling". Oh yeah, this is HOT. I want to take her hair home with me and marry it in hot, nasty ways. Very good. Simon liked her. Kara: "You know your voice very well". Kara wanted her to dress more hippie like. NO. Randy liked that she sang the melody rather than "doing runs". I had the runs yesterday, if we are going with full disclosure.

{Holy crap, not even halfway done.}

6. Haeley- When I was younger, every name was spelled the same way. What's with that phantom "e" before the "l"? Make it an "i", please. Another Beatles song? Do you think that creepy freaky King of Pop's estate dumped the Beatles songbook on this show? "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". On guitar. A little screamy, but she smiled, and I FUCKING LOVED THIS LITTLE HONEY. Kara heard the bum notes, but got caught up in the charisma. So did Randy. Ellen saw her shine like I did. Simon thought it verged on terrible. CHARISMA supercedes vocal talent here...first star of the night. This girl is 16...years old. Yikes.

7. Lacey Brown This girl wore a dress that looked like the apron that the mom wore on "You Can't Do That On Television", which is a truly odd fashion statement, and an even odder reference from your humble narrator. She's a cute punky red headed gal. She tackled "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. "Landslide" came back to tackle her and beat her weak voice down. AWFUL. WORST O' THE NIGHT. Randy "thought it was terrible". Ellen didn't like it. Ellen, by the way, is too good for this crap show. Simon thought it was "indulgent...boring". Kara slammed her, and told her to sing more Sixpence None the Richer and The Sundays. How 'bout someone relevant and similar like Beach House? C'mon, that woman has a freaky voice, but she's awesome...and a Baltimorean. Kara is clearly not the wannabe hipster that I am. No invite to the suckfest for you, Special K.

8. Michelle She used to be a "corporate singer", which sounds like she is a professional, and thus not eligible to compete. SHE'S A RINGER~! She's got great hair, but I only want to take it out to dinner and read it poetry. Nothing else. Her song: "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys. Not an original choice, but she did a decent cookie cutter version that a "corporate singer" would do. No bum notes, marginal stage presence/charisma. Very good, but not good enough. Ellen: "I feel like you have more in you". {I refuse to take the obvious route with that comment.} Simon wasn't wowed. Kara: "you're very commercial looking". That doesn't sound like a compliment, but it was. Kara said a few things tonight that sounded bitch-y, but actually weren't, and everyone misunderstood her. In other words: she sucks on this show, and I MISS PAULA. Randy babbled.

9. Didi She's a waitress, she sang a Kara song to Kara in Hollywood...TOKHIS LECKER~! She's apparently cried a lot on TV already. "The Way I Am" is her song. This girl came off like the talented quirky girl in high school...but she's no superstar. Simon thought everyone was trying to sound like Adele and Duffy tonight. Kara liked the song, but also liked the changes. {This whole thing of summarizing up the judges doesn't work when they are all lucid.}

10. Siobhan I wholeheartedly approve of naming girls after members of Bananarama. {pronounced "Shove-on"}She's a "glass blowing apprentice" which sounds like something women did in the Bronte novel era. This girl has a somewhat normal look, but these incredible appealing eyes..."Wicked Game". Great tune. She sounded good. Surprise of the night? This girl's got skillz. With a "z". Not actual "skills", mind you. Kara kinda liked it. Thought it was real. Randy wanted bigger things. Ellen loved the movement/performance. Simon liked the song, but didn't love it.

11. Crystal She looks and sounds a lot like the girl who delivers me Chinese food when I order it. They are both non-Asians, btw. "Hand in My Pocket". This girl is a nice person. This girl is a good person in Jesus' name...She is my pretty in the mix...Ah, whatever, she was ok. Randy and Ellen liked it...Simon didn't see originality. Crystal TALKED BACK. Oy. Kara wanted greatness.

12. Katie I actually had to wait to make sure that her parents spelled her name correctly on the birth certificate. "Katee"?. "Katy"?. "K.D."?. "CaYtEEEEE"?. She's only 17. Paging Kip Winger. Seems like a nice kid. "Feeling Good" by Michael Buble. Good voice. Too young. The judges slam her and Michael Buble at the same time for doing music for old people. OLD PEOPLE'S MUSIC is CRAP WHEN TAKEN OUT OF PROPER CONTEXT.

My favs:

Haeley
Katelyn's hair
Siobhan
SUCKFEST~!

Fabulous 5 Songs of the Day

2010-02-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

1. Dead Kennedys- "Kill The Poor"
2. Neon Indian- "Deadbeat Summer"
3. Sam Cooke- "(Ain't That) Good News"
4. Chris Isaak- "Wicked Game"
5. MGMT- "Weekend Wars"

"I did not heit her. I did NAT. oh, hi mark."

2010-02-16T19:59:00.000-05:00