Lila

The dog posing in the photo above is Lila Elegenze Beyonce 8tit Shaker Richman.

Lila's early life was not easy. I don't know the details, but she was apparently abused by some incredibly awful human being(s).

Lila came into my family's life when my sister Julie brought her home from a shelter in the early 2000s. My sister and I had a house in Cape St. Claire that we shared with Julie's big beagle/hound Buster.

Lila looked like a tiny, female version of Buster. Buster handled the new arrival with his usual quiet cool. He didn't really seek out Lila for fun and games, but he didn't exactly push her away when she cleaned out his ears/eyes. (Julie claimed that Buster had a passive aggressive resentment towards Lila, and it would manifest itself late at night, where Buster would sneak into the living room, tighten his anus, and squeeze out tiny shits that would make it look like Lila was being bad. This theory is still my favorite in the history of theories.)

Lila was a nervous, shaking wreck for months after she became part of our lives. Knocks on the door, sudden movements, people outside, and visitors would have her either barking or shaking and squatting. It took her a month or two to get to where she didn't bark when I walked in the room.

She warmed up to me. And did she ever.

I don't even remember how smooth the transition was, but Lila went from being completely terrified of me to being my overprotective crazy whore bitch. Women that came over and sat next to me on the couch were often pissed on by Lila. She scared them all away.

On days when I was doing nothing but watching TV (which was often back then), Lila would climb up on the couch, sit next to me, and lick my elbows with a furious passion. Lila's head would turn from side to side as she licked my (apparently delicious) elbows. She would maintain eye contact the whole time. She was like a porn star, but she was a dog, and these were elbows, not penii. It was incredibly entertaining to my sister and I. (Buster always turned the other way or closed his eyes)

When I wasn't getting my elbows cleaned/drenched in LilaSaliva, I'd fire up some microwave popcorn for myself to devour while I sat on my ass and watched even more television. Lila would inevitably climb onto the couch, sit next to me, look politely into my eyes and wait for me to offer her a piece of popcorn. I'd give her one, eat some myself, feed Lila some more, and it was like being in a movie theater. Man's best friend.

The fact that Lila loved popcorn was funny, because she didn't really like her dog food, didn't really eat snacks, didn't like walking on tile or cement, etc. She was neurotic alright, but over the years, we've learned that her neuroses are nuanced...She would act all dainty when we tried to get her to walk on tile to get from one carpeted surface to another, lifting her paw in the air, teasing the ground surface to make sure it was safe for a few minutes, before sprinting across to get to the comfort of the carpet.

One night, Julie caught a glimpse of the real Lila, who was standing and casually walking on the tile when she thought no one was watching...(when she saw Julie, she scrambled to the carpet and got in LilaSquat position.)

I eventually got my own apartment, but would often come back to visit Julie, Buster and Lila. Buster would say hello and then chill, Julie and I would hang out, and Lila was right back on my attention needing elbows the whole time.

Julie, the dogs and Jonas--my brother from another--moved to Chicago about 5 years ago, which was very difficult for me. Luckily, Lila found another man in Jonas, and Jonas opened her up to another side of her personality. Jonas regularly gives Lila mohawks and mullets. Sometimes, he shaves her completely. Lila doesn't seem to mind, and in fact, SHE LOVES IT.

Buster's health deteriorated and he passed away this past winter. This dog was there with my sister through thick and thin, more than I was. He was wonderful.

Lila didn't take to her new "only child" status too well. She was scared. She would cry out loudly when no one was home. Julie decided to take her to Doggy Day Care, so that the neighbors wouldn't complain anymore.

Lila, the nervous wreck, shockingly embraced Doggy Day Care as if it was her own Hedonism Resort. Julie peaked into the main room after dropping the girl off, and Lila was prancing around the other dogs, flirting, and eventually getting gang raped. Lila came home exhausted from her Jasmin St. Clairesque Doggy Day Care marathon. The powers that be at Doggy Day Care seperated the big dogs from the little dogs to avoid any violence. Lila, the 10 lb. slut, was a size queen. She stared longingly at the big dogs, wanting some Dobermanplay.

We just found out that Lila has bladder cancer, and she doesn't have much longer.

I am hurting right now, because I might not get to see her to say goodbye.

I am hurting more for Julie, who has had a really hard year in the pet department after Buster's passing.

And I am hurting for Lila, who I hope, as things get worse, doesn't suffer anything like the imaginary traumas that made her who she is.

I've loved all of the dogs that I've had in my life: Marty, Buster, Tallulah, Raoul...I love Denise's cat Gunter/Blanche (the dual names is another story for another time), I've (sort of) loved my cat Diogenes (he HATED my family), I've loved my hamsters Larry and Stan (although I didn't love them enough to realize that the sun coming through the skylight would roast them to death), I loved my fish, NoNoYesYes (even though he committed suicide by tossing himself out of the fish tank in 1978)...I've loved them all...but Lila means more to me than most people in my life.

I love this dog so much.