MORE CORN PORNER (PORE CORN MORNER?) TOP GUNS REVIEW CONT. (CUNT.?)

After being fucked to sleep by Boo at the bar, the male Private is forced to stand naked in front of his commander...who is not amused. The shame!

Next up, we see the men in their locker room, ready to head out and fly around and do stupid war game-y shit...one dude returns to grab his helmet...and much to his surprise, who should appear but HOLLYWOOD! Hollywood asks him: "Do you believe in deep burning sexual attraction? You know the kind you can only describe as...primal? Uncontrollable? Real?" in a cadence that sounds like she's reading copy for a shampoo commercial..."Do you hate dandruff flakes? You know, the kind that change the color of your black shirt? Powdery? White? Flaky?".

You know the voice.

Anyway, shocker of all shocks, she has come to seduce this big dumb goof. And he really is a big dumb goof. Or at least a good actor playing a big dumb goof. She hands him her panties, and tells him to think of her when he feels attraction...She is about to walk out, but says "Oh I forgot one thing"...and grabs him and kisses him...this, while not at all vulgar or sexually unusual, is an incredibly hot move. Next time you are about to leave a room, try it out on someone in the room. I double dare you to take the physical challenge. The music is a sax filled knock off of Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" from the Original Soundtrack of Top Gun.

Hollywood is played by an actress named Kayden Kross, who looks a bit like Stacy Kiebler. I went to college with Stacy Kiebler by the way.

But enough about me.

Let's talk about Kayden "Hollywood" Kross, because she is about to steal the whole f'n movie.

While Private Dumbass performs the mouth sex on her, we witness Hollywood go into an incredible trance where her voice gets really soft, and she talks dirty a mile a minute. Because she is barely audible, all that can be heard are the occasional excited stream of consonents and vowels. At some points, it sounds as if she is rapidly, quietly, naming the items on her grocery store list in some bizarre form of ecstatic whispering/speaking in tongues. {"oregano, klondike bars, glad trash bags, oh my god i need them, i need to get superpretzel, fanta, pollyo string cheese, virginia baked ham....oh god OHHHH"} This is fantastic, because we know that she's not going through the motions and faking it. Porn is her religion, and she is getting all Southern Baptist, sexually speaking. {"Alpha bits, tender vittles, popsecret, charmin, laura's lean ground beef oh fuck me with your yoplait, pam spray OHGOD OHGOD OH YES"} Sometimes, her mouth moves and no sound comes out. This woman has singlehandedly taken over the movie. This is akin to Michael Jackson moonwalking for the first time at the Motown 25 show. Things will never be the same again after seeing it. {"Bacon bits, alpo, weekly world news, suave shampoo, grape nuts ohyesyesyesYESYES"} She returns the mouth favor to him (yawn...after her showing, I want to hear more of her rapid whisper crazy talk...blowjobs serve only to silence her!) The car horn sound effect from the classroom sex scene makes a random return again. Lots of traffic in Miramar, apparently. We get some hard doggie, which leads to more awesome Kayden Kross whisperbabble. Also, in a brilliant little touch, Hollywood bites into her own bicep while taking the pounding.

Kayden assumes the reverse cowgirl position, and her dogtags bounce as she babbles inaudibly in between sexual hyperventilating. "Ineedthisineedthisineedthisineedthis", says Hollywood, in an uzi-like whisper. (If it seems like I'm dwelling too much on this woman's technique, screw you, you haven't seen it. It's stellar.)

The two lovebirds finish up in the one ankle on his shoulder position. "Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck", says Hollywood...also "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit". He then finishes on her face. Scene.

Because Dumbass missed his flying routine, he and his flying buddy get DQ'd from the competition by the Australian Commander.

Bandit and Hollywood are informed that they are tied for the lead. How does this class/school work? Is it a fucking game show? Why are they competing against one another? Anyway, Hollywood wishes Bandit good luck, which is really sweet after the whole bardick trash talking schtick at the beginning of this movie. "May the best man win" says Hollywood, sincerely. "Oh, I will" says Bandit. Way to ruin a tender moment, Bandit.

We get yet another flying sequence...the fuck was the budget on this movie? Porn has come a long way, baby. I miss the shadows, the sweat, the Valley, the 80s, the coke, etc. The girls, while going through their fake war simulations, all of the sudden have to deal with ACTUAL INVADING WARPLANES~! Their instructions: "Shoot first, ask questions later". THE DRAMA! The men look on from the hangar, concerned for their classmates. The tension is palpable. Bandit fires away and destroys an enemy plane. Another enemy plane emerges! Hollywood does some Schwarzenegger-esque trash talking before wasting those evil foreigners! YAY GIRLS, YAY USA! The guys at the hangar cheer...Gunt and Spice are there also, relieved. Bandit: "That's how you fly, BITCHES!!!" What a wonderful day in American History this was.

The boys compliment the girls on having "big balls", and then they invite them out for some celebratory beers. The girls have something else they need to do before going to the bar...

How do you celebrate successfully fighting off an unexpected invasion while you happen to be practicing for just such an event? With a hangar orgy fuckfest. (By the way, you may have notied that I'm cursing a lot more at this point in the Porner than usual. I pride myself on being enough of an artist to write these reviews with the minimal amount of swearing/vulgarities possible. In this case, this movie is currently at the 2 hour mark, which is an eternity, especially since this is the second time I've seen this. The first time, I was with the love of my life, so I had no stress in the world. She's not here now, and there's a lot of pressure to keep writing this, so, therefore... fuck shit cunt asshole tits in your rectum. Understand?)

The girls seduce Gunt (or is it Gunman? Guntman?)...Guitars kick in, and we have a 5 girl, one man- hard rockin' insanely paced orgy. Usually in porn, it's two people per scene, and they work at a slooowwww passionless pace. This scene is helter skelter...with all of the characters involved, it's hard to keep track of what's going where on who, who's moaning, etc....the quick edits don't help/hurt, either...This is how you celebrate a good day at the office, kids. And this is how you film a crazy fun groupsex scene. You know how on the Fourth of July, the last 5 minutes of fireworks are breathtakingly intense? This scene takes that principle and applies it to 15 plus minutes of 5 way lovin'. A menage a cinco. I'm not even going to attempt to do a blow by blow (wink wink) account of what occurs. It's sexual, it's sharing, it's what America is all about.

This would have been the perfect conclusion to this movie, but no, this is the Doctor Zhivago of adult cinema we are talking about here, so THERE'S MORE.

More for me to review.

Cocks, Nipples, Asses, SHITPISSVAGINANUTHELL.

Vegas and the Commander reunite to settle their bet about who would win, boys or girls. The Aussie Commander declares it "a victory for women across the nation". Gloria Steinheim and/or Gloria Allred would be thrilled. You'll never guess what happens next. Ok, yes you will....The Commander comes out from behind his desk...he asks Vegas if she'd like to join him for a drink in the Officers' Club...Vegas tells him she was hoping for something a little more private...she kisses him...he informs her that he's a Commander, not a Private...puns are sexy...she says "aye aye"...hot...they kiss again...he gropes her breast...he makes room on his desk for her to sit down...he takes off her jacket...they kiss passionately throughout...he pulls her tank top up over her breasts....he takes off her jeans...he bites and sucks on her nipples like a hungry man....she moans...dot dot dot...he takes his shirt off...she groans...he performs cunnilingus on her...on top of his desk size monthly planner...she is very vocal in her approval...he tries to suck her uterus out with his mouth...this goes on and on...she has nice chesticles...they kiss...she pulls down his pants...she licks his deformed penis...the dude has two large warts/bumps on the head of his penis...it's weird looking, but I'll bet she's going to REALLY like this oddity in a few minutes...an Aussie tickler?...she spits on his penis while sucking it, which is something that is always dirty/hot/great...she has pride in her work...she sucks on his scrot...she chokes herself on his stuff...she groans and moans throughout...dog tags jingle...she sits herself down on top of him, facing outward...she rubs her clit while riding...there are smacking noises...he grabs her waist and bounces her up and down HARD onto him...she is making a lot of noise here...he bends her over the desk...smack smack smack...he falls out a couple of times...he drills the hell out of her...he lays her on top of the desk...he gets on top...he grabs her arm...pumping back and forth...she rubs her clit...he sets her perpendicular to him...and jackhammers away...He hooks her leg and arm in a modified half nelson, in that his penis is slamming into her vagina, he is slapping her tit AND has her arm and leg hooked with his arm...he smacks her other tit 3 times for good measure...he yanks her up...she rides him...he smacks her ass...her ass is bruised and battered...he bangs up into her...he slams her up and down onto him...he then takes matters into his own hands (literally) and Jackson Pollocks her face, hair, and his nearby leather office sofa that was bought with your American tax dollars.


We see the girls getting their medals and getting congrats from the Commander. The Commander and Gunt agree to buy beers for the whole class...and the movie FINALLY is over.

One last note: the first credit to appear at the end: "Production Manager, BRAH BONES". See, it's not only the on screen talent who pick great pseudonyms.

This was an epic. I'm exhausted. I'm shutting down the Porner until my refractory period is over...until that time...any comments, questions, requests or anything are always welcome...adamannapolis@gmail.com...thank you for joining me for this James Michener-esque version of Corn Porner...dot dot dot...