CORN PORNER: TOP GUNS XXX (2011) -- PART ONE

Hey There Ladies! This is A Very Special Edition of Corn Porner for all the ladies out there...so drop those jeans, and flick those beans...because it's time once again for... CORN PORNER~!

In this porner...a 2011 production called Top Guns, which is a remake of a 1986 big budget Jerry Bruckheimer movie about a closeted homosexual (who is actually the Jesus figure in his science-fiction based religion) flying his plane and killing foreign folk while getting it on with his closeted homosexual female instructor, or something like that. (Don't sue me, sensitive Scientologists and/or Kelly McGillis...) With the exception of the fighter plane instruction school set up, this film does not much resemble the original, instead enhancing the plot by making it a feminist inspirational film, where the girls prove that they are better than the guys.

No Kenny Loggins in this film at all (thankfully!!)...so let's do this thing:

We start with some unusually good special effects (unusually good for stroke flicks, that is) showing Styles and Papa (boys) flying competitively against Bandit and Boo (girls). The girls do all kinds of wacky flying formations to show the guys up...breaking all the flight school rules and, just like in the original, I have no idea what the fuck is going on, nor do I care...planes, flippydos, cursing, trash talking, etc...(where's the sex?)

The girls "win", and then get yelled at by their superior officer for "breaking the rules". By doing this he informs them, they have earned a chance to be "the best Naval aviators God has ever seen". I'm pretty sure that God A) doesn't pay special attention to Naval aviators, and B) doesn't rank them higher if they are more successful at killing people than their fellow flight school pupils/colleagues and, of course, C) doesn't watch porn regularly. (But he does read my blog)

The girls ride their motorcycles to TOP GUNS Flight School in Miramar, California. (Miramar spelled backwards is Ram-a-rim, which coincidentally, becomes a regular act in some scenes later in the film. This is called VERY subliminal foreshadowing).

The girls talk trash with a gum chewing classmate named Hollywood, who is the female equivalent of Val Kilmer from the original movie. I just realized that Val is actually a girl's name. Why I never noticed this before is not important at the moment. The head instructor, Commander Jensen, starts giving his spiel with a very thick Australian accent, which seems odd for an AMERICAN NAVAL OFFICER. I guess they couldn't find any American porn actors to play this part? Still, this seems like a huge casting oversight.

The lead "dogfighting" instructor, named Gunt (!!!) gives a one sentence introduction. He is tan, greasy looking, and I feel like I should know who he is, but I don't.

The guys in the class diss the girls with some stupid sexist cliches about cooking and cleaning, etc...IN A PORNO MOVIE, NO LESS! This is a battle of the sexes, and as usual in these battles, the men come off like mouthbreathing morons, and the girls come off as extremely irritating with their "Woo hoo! Girl power!, You go girl!" bonding schtick.

I hate everyone.

We meet Vegas, who is a civilian female instructor of some kind, who flirts with Crocodile Jensen because he doubts that women can be effective fighter pilots. We will see these two coit later on...much later on.

(I just paused the film, and it turns out that this is 152 minutes long. 2 1/2 hours. Of my life.)

We also meet Spice, who looks like Lisa Bonet and sounds like a cheap Hispanic prostitute. She is the Naval Aeronautics Engineer, of course. Just like my grandfather!

The students all gather at a local bar. Boo and Bandit (both girls, in case you are trying to follow along) bond and are annoying. They talk shit with their fellow female classmates, Mystery
and the aforementioned Hollywood.

One of the male students sings a few notes of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" to our little blonde cutie hero Bandit before getting cut off (they shockingly didn't have the rights to the Righteous Brothers song). "Why don't you stop being a fag and show me what a man you are?", asks Bandit. I normally would cringe at the unnecessary homophobia, but this is a military school, and a psychological gender battle, plus, this is not based on a true story (as far as I know)....These two go at it all over the bar bathroom sink in the usual porn pattern (kiss, get naked, cunnilingus, fellatio, sex in various positions on the sink, add rinse repeat, coitus interruptus) This scene goes on for a good 15 minutes, and really, that's not good because A) 15 minutes is way too long for a bathroom quickie and B) why is no one else trying to use the restroom? I can't suspend disbelief this long. Also, it wasn't all that exciting.

"Don't be all don on yourself"- Spice tells the girls, trying to make them feel better about how they are doing versus the boys. Don=Down.

The men bond about how lame the chicks are, and then taunt them in the stariwell.

It turns out that the guy that Bandit fucked is Hollywood's ex. Bandit explains that she didn't know this when she fucked him, so Hollywood shouldn't be mad. Hollywood informs her "I don't get mad over bar-dick". Best line of the movie so far.

The volleyball scene! Many a pubescent girl moistened their cotton panties to the all male sweatfest scene in the Bruckheimer version. Here we get a BATTLE OF THE SEXES game, complete with a song by an unidentified Survivor/Toto knockoff. The boys win and bond like annoying fuckheads while taunting the girls.

(We are 40 minutes in, and there's been one WAY TOOO LOOONG sex scene, and not much else. This Porner is seriously lacking in Corn.)

In the girls locker room, the 4 girls, with the help of their female commander, Vegas, decide to put their personal differences aside, and use their excellent flying skills to beat the boys. They also decide to use their bodies to do this, so don't expect this to be a NOW endorsed film.

More flying crap with trashtalking and confusing dynamics. What is the point of all of this wargame crap? Why am I supposed to know this? Donde esta el bangbang?

Big dumb meathead #2, a/k/a Papa, is in the classroom studying when a fellow student, Mystery, an Anne Hathwaway lookalike comes in looking to seduce him. Again, this man has an Australian accent. In an impressive display of David Blaine like ESP, first she guesses what number he's thinking of, and then she guesses that he wants to taste her. Between her legs, she looks more like Robin Williams' arms than Anne Hathaways face. I guess this is a great way to stand out from the modern porn pack. This girl is pale, thin, and unshaven, which is a 2/3 description of me. He eats from the bushy bowl. Rachel Getting Harried, anyone? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. Mystery Hathaway climaxes eventually, before working this foreigner/American's lovestick with her mouth. This girl makes some great sex faces, btw. The Devil Wears a BIG HAIRY BUSH, AMIRITE? While enjoying her afterschool lunch, she maintains eye contact, which is HOT AND RECOMMENDED. Her food goes down the wrong way a few times, which causes her to choke. "Do you like it when I choke when I'm sucking your cock? Yeah? You like that Papa?" Great line reading, here. Eventually, they switch to straight up coitus as cars honk in the background, for no reason at all. Must have been visiting day at the school. Homecumming???? (Buhbum, pishhhhh.) These two kiss romantically as Papa appears to actually reverse evolve back into some form of Ape/Human hybrid. Australopethecis Pornstaraus? He turns her around and begins slamming in from behind...He makes ape noises, while she groans and laughs like a nasty, dirty girl. Hairy Hathaway is a star. Papa explodes all over her face, and they live happily ever after.

After draining him of all of his lovebatter, she looks up at him with a smile and coos "Good Boy" in a strange, supposedly sexy voice.

Next up, we see the students back in class getting back their written test results while the instructor makes comments to each student about their grade. This, by the way, has never happened in any real life school setting, but is a device used in film/TV/adult entertainment to establish who is smart and who is dumb in a classroom. The jist of this scene is: the girls are kicking ass in class, and the boys are failing.

On her way out of class, Boo drops a note on the desk of her male classmate. Next thing we know, he is in a bar, drinking beers, and she comes in, offers him a lapdance, takes off her uniform, and they are ready for action...in an empty bar, no less, where we hear more offerings from the Toto/Survivor knockoff band. Through the power of his mouth and fingers, he makes Boo explode into a dripping mess while leaning against a pole. (Bet you've never read that sentence before.) Boo takes on the role of oral giver (BAR-DICK~!), all the while moaning in a weird baby girl voice. She's cute, so it works. As she gags herself on his stuff, she then takes her white saliva strings and ties them back around his base in a very strange form of a constriction knot, and returns to throating him. I believe this is called "the Santa Monica Technique". His stick is bent upwards, btw. He bends her over a bar stool and drills her from behind with his angled babymaking organ. {I wish more bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} As he bangs in hard, Boo says "yes" with each stroke, which creates a great rhythmic dance tune. Sing along if you know the words: "YESYESYESYESYES". All the while, shitty 80s rock knockoffs play over the bar soundsystem. {I wish fewer bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} He turns her to face him, pounds away, and (SPOILER ALERT), he sprays all over her stomach. They then kiss slowly and romantically, which is quite touching. We see Boo leave while the man is passed out on the floor of the bar. Cue the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner!