Before I get started with Idol, I would like to get down on my knees and apologize to the King of America, Rush Limbaugh. I never actually meant what I said when I suggested that he should be late term aborted in the 225th trimester. I was just trying to say that he is the man, he is the leader, he is our hero, and it’s the evil liberals with their love of abortion and Hollywood and gays and drugs and dark skinned presidents that would say such a thing about our Obese Modern Day Jesus with a microphone. They are scared of him because he is always right and always tells the truth. I’m sorry, lord. Mega-dittos.
(Pause)
So far, with one exception, the people I’ve picked have not been voted on by the Idol voters. I trust them more than I trust myself when it comes to bland pop stars in the 2000s, so if you are reading this looking for expert opinion, don‘t. Read it for snaky comments from a thirty something superstar.
One more thing: has anyone noticed that every Idol singer’s first single always has some inspirational title like “This is Our Chance” “We Can Make That Difference”, etc.? Go back and look it up.
12 more amateurs tonight~~let’s do this.
“This………is A-BERICAN IDOL”- (Ryan Seacrest)
((Note to self: The new girl’s name is Kara, Adam..))
Von Smith- He looks like the next generation of Osmond. Speaking of, Marie Osmond gets hotter with every passing minute. She is in my top 10. “You’re All I Need to Get By”. He’s got a good voice, but the pre-teen in me wants to punch him repeatedly in the face. What’s the matter with me? He’s a nice boy, and I feel bad now. I trust my instincts though. He won’t make it through. Randy: “Yo Von…this was a very hot performance”. Kara, looking GOOD, praises him for taking Simon’s Hollywood critique and improving on his performance. Paula parrots the first two judges. Simon says: “You remind me of Clay Aiken”. Simon says: “Touch your toes”. Bite me. (Ouch! I didn’t say Simon Says!) Apparently, no one is sure what to think of Clay, now that he has come out of the closet, so we are forced to watch everyone debate whether a comparison to Clay is a compliment. Holy crap. Clay Aiken was a friggin phenom on this show. He finished second to Ruben, but Ruben ate the world (and, not surprisingly, 543 Reuben sandwiches) and is now nowhere and nobody. Clay Aiken doesn’t make music that I like or would buy, but he was and still is the best at what he does, and to hell with this homophobic fearful b.s. Ok, who’s next?
Jay Mohr told a great story on the Ron and Fez show about the Grammy Awards. His wife, Nikki Cox, was in the women’s bathroom when Fantasia and her posse came in, and Fantasia exclaimed the following: “It smells like sh#t up in here! I’m hungry!”.
Taylor Vaifanua- I haven’t smoked any vaifanua in many, many months. I am so proud. My brain is completely recovered. I can do sudoku puzzles at a John “Beautiful Mind” Nash/Good Will Huntingesque speed. I’m smart. She’s going to sing some Alicia Keys. She’s wearing a rather unfortunate dress. This girl is cute, looks older than she is (she’s 16!), yet she seems like she isn’t quite ready yet. In a couple of years, she could be awesome. Grow up and get out of my statutory wheelhouse (I’m starting a bluegrass band, and it will be called Statutory Wheelhouse. Our logo will use that lettering from the old Wanted: Dead or Alive posters. See, I told you my mind was beautiful.) Kara: “You’ve got talent…I want more of your personality” Paula: “you…have….a beautiful gift. We heard you sing this in Hollywood week” OH! Dissed for song choice by the woman who sang with MC Scat Cat!!! OH! Simon: “I genuinely couldn’t remember you….generic” The audience: “Boooooo”. Oh yeah, Randy. The music cut him off. Randy: “boring”.
Alex Wagner- Trugman- Why does a 19 year old boy have a hyphenated name? He looks like an emaciated Michael Phelps. He’s going to sing “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues”, which is not, in fact, a blues song. Elton in the 80s was goofy. “Sad Songs Say So Much” was not at all sad, and didn‘t really say much at all. Holy sh&t, he’s singing like he’s being raped by hot pokers…grunting in agony!! He’s the worst ever, and therefore, I’m thoroughly entertained…you need to check this performance out, seriously. MUST SEE TV. Paula: “You are certainly entertaining” Simon thought it was stupid. Randy: “It was kind of crazy in a buck wild kind of way.” Randy is Idol’s version of Michael Steele: Using ebonics in crazy, I dare say buck wild ways to appeal to white folk. “Skeet Skeet! Who let the dogs out?” Kara: “Ditch the growl”. Kara is just so much better than this show. Me, I’m not so sure anymore. Why does a 19 year old boy have a hyphenated name?
Arianna Afsar- She’s 17, very cute. She’s singing ABBA!!! Smart kid. She’s clearly doing this for my pleasure~~”The Winner Takes It All”..YES~!! I cover this song on acoustic guitar!! She’s singing a crazy melody butchering version. I’m partial to the original. This must be the Mamma Mia version. Too much squeaking and pitch shifty stuff. She’s got a great voice, though. Best of the night so far? Yeah. Simon: “It was absolutely terrible…dreary arrangement”. Arianna talks back!! The audience boos. Randy: “You tried to do more vocally than is there”. Kara: “It was dark…kind of depressing”. Paula: “You had some bright moments…the song is a little old fashioned…sometimes it‘s better to just stick to the melody”. Paula, I’m totally with you. I know you are reading this, honey.
Ju’Not Joyner- He’s from Bowie, Maryland!! Is it a coincidence that his name is Ju’Not (Jew? Not!), and I, Adam “Ju’Half” Richman, was Bar Mitzvahed on May 14, 1988 in BOWIE, MARYLAND???? It’s fate. His name is a tad anti-semitic. You don’t see me naming my kids “Christian?Nah,MyPeopleKilledJesus Richman“, do you? I won’t hold it against him, his parents are clearly the haters. He’s singing “Hey There Delilah”. I’m sorry, I do like this song. You know you do, too. Heeb’Hater Joyner injects some serious soul into this tune. Kike’B’Gone Joyner is my favorite so far. I like what he did with this song! RT. 3!! Temple Solel 4 Life~!!! Randy: “You took like, you know, you switched it up…smart choice…dude I loved it” Kara: “I liked your spin on that song” Paula: “You changed up…your liberties paid off” Simon: “That was actually better than I thought it was gonna be….a little bit safe”. Ju’Not just admitted to getting a Cortisone shot in the ass before showtime. WUT? It was for his voice? WUT?
Kristen McNamara- She’s a karaoke host? Around here, it’s always fat old guys with moustaches and moobs hosting karaoke night. She’s cute in a Mena Suvari way. “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman is her song. She also looks like Teresa Ganzel, whom by referencing, I show how old I am. My penis has a photographic memory of women who appeared on the Love Boat. I don’t know what to make of Kristen’s performance, because I’m just typing away and not even paying attention, honestly. Kara: “I could see you doing a more Kelly Clarkson type song” Paula remembers the songs this girl sang in Hollywood, and the other judges marvel at her memory. Simon doesn’t know who she is. Neither does Randy. She then confirms that she doesn’t know how to dress (Note to Kristen: dress trampier)
Nathaniel Marshall- He is on fire flaming….Let’s see how homophobic this show is. He’s singing some Meatloaf. I’m going to pay attention. He is wearing a headband and spiky hair? Holy crap…It’s very cruise shippy/Vegas. This is NOT like Clay Aiken. This kid is very lumpy fat in weird ways. I am a vicious bitch to the gays and the straights. Equally. Simon: “Verging on excruciating…uncomfortable” Randy: “I’m just curious about this song choice…you definitely can sing…what kind of record could we make with you?”Randy keeps referencing “Elton John’s ‘Physical’”. It’s Olivia Newton-John, Randy. Idiot. Kara wants to sing karaoke with Mr. Marshall. Paula: “I love you….This song…it was more the Boy George version of this song” Paula is doing TREMENDOUS tonight. She has clearly prepared for the show, and it is unbelievable. Seriously, she’s the best judge they’ve ever had after tonight’s performance round, and I can’t believe I’m typing this about PAULA “RUSH RUSH” ABDUL. Ryan drags Nathaniel over to Simon, hoping for some awkward flirting. Nathaniel refuses to take part, thus leaving Simon and Ryan flirting and play fighting with each other and being 500 times more gay than the out of the closet homosexual has any interest in acting. A great moment in TV.
Felicia Barton- A 26 year old stay at home mom. She got cut, but was brought back when they had to axe some other chick. She’s going to sing Alicia Keys. How original!
She looks like the kind of woman you would meet at a Statutory Wheelhouse concert, if you smell what I’m cookin'. Not good enough at singing or performing. Back home for you, Fellatio Barter. Paula is glad they brought her back. Simon: “First part better than the second half”. Randy: “I thought it was hot, baby” Kara: “liked the attitude”. I feel like the judges needed to justify this returning contestant. She wasn’t all that good. Felicia, on being on American Idol: “It’s amazing”. Shut up. Walking on water is amazing. You were #37 in a singing contest.
Scott MacIntyre- He’s from Arizona, he’s got a deep speaking voice…He’s blind! He’s singing “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby & The Range. I hate this song. He’s pretty good with it though. I like this guy. Randy: “Check it out, baby. The parts that were great were really great”. Kara: “You move mountains when you get on the stage”. Paula: “Listen” He has to, Paula. He’s blind. She likes him. Simon: “I wasn’t crazy about the song. You’re growing on me”. Maybe it’s the disability evoking sympathy, but I think this guy is a really cool cat, and I can’t think of anything to make fun of with him. He’s the man. Really good personality.
Kendall Beard- I just got up and had sex with my flat screen TV. Ok, no I didn’t. She’s not that sexy. (And I’m not that stupid.) It would take a Marie Osmond or a Teresa Ganzel to get me to penetrate my Samsung. (“Penetrate Your Samsung” will be the first song on Statutory Wheelhouse’s debut album) Back to Kendall. She’s from Austin, Texas. Ok, she looks like a young Cindy McCain. “This One’s For the Girls” by Martina McBride is her song of choice. It’s one of those country “you go girl!” songs that I don’t understand. I’m turned off by the song choice. The yellow dress is good though. In 20 years, she’ll be my type (and I’ll be 53). It’s pitchy and a bad song. Go away, Bearded Clam. Kara likes the song choice, but not the singing. Paula thinks she did a good job. Simon thinks she did the right thing, but halfway through he wanted it to end. Randy: “I love country music. You dialed in who you were…it wasn’t your best vocal performance”.
Jorge Nunez- He flew in from Puerto Rico! He’s singing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me”. That’s what she said, by the way, to the Dad. (Buddum, Pishhhhhhhh) He gets creepy looking when he sings. Like really creepy looking. He’s ok, but ok doesn’t sell records, kid. Paula gives him a standing operation. She is so proud of him. She wants him. Big Time. Simon: “You’re a very good singer”. Randy: “Really, really good, dude….dog….baby” Kara: “You were born to sing”. Jorge bursts into tears. Paula is MOIST. He’s a nice boy. He should take Paula, straight up.
Lil Rounds- Ok, she hasn’t appeared yet, but she’s already got the best name in the history of human names. If only that was what this how was about. Lil Rounds! It just is fun to type! And say! She’s singing “Be Without You” by Mary J. Blige. She’s got soul, she looks great, and she’s got big round buttocks! Awesome! She could sell some records. Very good. And then…at the end, her voice sounds HUGE and POWERFUL. YES~!!! LIL ROUNDS~!! LIL ROUNDS~!!! A hell of a singing voice. Simon: “Brilliant.” Randy loves her. Kara: “You are still a powerhouse”. Paula loved it.
My choice:
Lil Rounds
Blind Scott MacIntyre
Anti-Semitic Bowie
“It smells like sh#t up in here! I’m hungry!”.
1 comments:
Most of your linked images aren't working. Part of it is that Blogger already adds the http:// and then you are likely copy/pasting the URL so the link ends up starting with http://http://www... and then it doesn't work. Some of them, even after I edited the URL, wouldn't work.
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