1. Governor Chris Christie He became popular nationally for talking tough to people. That's basically all he does. Actually, he also eats a lot, apparently. I think his struggles with his weight are the reason he feels like he has to be "the tough guy". He at least has a sense of humor and isn't completely oblivious to the world around him, but he needs to work on his anger issues. Also, he's got the dreaded "gl" speech problem, where he can't pronounce the letter "l" without a slight hard "g" preceding it. This is common in Baltimore and also in Tom Brokaw. It sucks. Fix both of these, please, Johnny Johns. Michael Michaels. Timmy Tims.
2. Rush Limbaugh Whatever argument this man was making about tax dollars and spending got lost in the fact that he can't get over his longstanding failure to communicate/attract women. He's been famous for 20+ years now, and has been in relationships with some lovely ladies, yet still...he can't get past the years where he was rejected. Calling women that won't fuck you "sluts" is very 9th grade. And sad. I don't see him ever getting over this, nor many of his other issues. Fame seems to have only made his problems worse/more obvious. He's going to have a brutal karmic fall at some point. He's a sad, sick human being who knows nothing about women.
3. Dr. Drew Pinsky This man should be Public Enemy No. 1. An addiction specialist whose addiction to his own fame has exploited his "patients" and killed 2 people. He is so good at his gimmick as the cool, quiet voice of reason that he has gotten away with it. He regularly allows fame addicted reality show zeroes like Kate Gosselin to appear on TV for absolutely no reason. Dr. Drew can suck my fuck.
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Lila
The dog posing in the photo above is Lila Elegenze Beyonce 8tit Shaker Richman.
Lila's early life was not easy. I don't know the details, but she was apparently abused by some incredibly awful human being(s).
Lila came into my family's life when my sister Julie brought her home from a shelter in the early 2000s. My sister and I had a house in Cape St. Claire that we shared with Julie's big beagle/hound Buster.
Lila looked like a tiny, female version of Buster. Buster handled the new arrival with his usual quiet cool. He didn't really seek out Lila for fun and games, but he didn't exactly push her away when she cleaned out his ears/eyes. (Julie claimed that Buster had a passive aggressive resentment towards Lila, and it would manifest itself late at night, where Buster would sneak into the living room, tighten his anus, and squeeze out tiny shits that would make it look like Lila was being bad. This theory is still my favorite in the history of theories.)
Lila was a nervous, shaking wreck for months after she became part of our lives. Knocks on the door, sudden movements, people outside, and visitors would have her either barking or shaking and squatting. It took her a month or two to get to where she didn't bark when I walked in the room.
She warmed up to me. And did she ever.
I don't even remember how smooth the transition was, but Lila went from being completely terrified of me to being my overprotective crazy whore bitch. Women that came over and sat next to me on the couch were often pissed on by Lila. She scared them all away.
On days when I was doing nothing but watching TV (which was often back then), Lila would climb up on the couch, sit next to me, and lick my elbows with a furious passion. Lila's head would turn from side to side as she licked my (apparently delicious) elbows. She would maintain eye contact the whole time. She was like a porn star, but she was a dog, and these were elbows, not penii. It was incredibly entertaining to my sister and I. (Buster always turned the other way or closed his eyes)
When I wasn't getting my elbows cleaned/drenched in LilaSaliva, I'd fire up some microwave popcorn for myself to devour while I sat on my ass and watched even more television. Lila would inevitably climb onto the couch, sit next to me, look politely into my eyes and wait for me to offer her a piece of popcorn. I'd give her one, eat some myself, feed Lila some more, and it was like being in a movie theater. Man's best friend.
The fact that Lila loved popcorn was funny, because she didn't really like her dog food, didn't really eat snacks, didn't like walking on tile or cement, etc. She was neurotic alright, but over the years, we've learned that her neuroses are nuanced...She would act all dainty when we tried to get her to walk on tile to get from one carpeted surface to another, lifting her paw in the air, teasing the ground surface to make sure it was safe for a few minutes, before sprinting across to get to the comfort of the carpet.
One night, Julie caught a glimpse of the real Lila, who was standing and casually walking on the tile when she thought no one was watching...(when she saw Julie, she scrambled to the carpet and got in LilaSquat position.)
I eventually got my own apartment, but would often come back to visit Julie, Buster and Lila. Buster would say hello and then chill, Julie and I would hang out, and Lila was right back on my attention needing elbows the whole time.
Julie, the dogs and Jonas--my brother from another--moved to Chicago about 5 years ago, which was very difficult for me. Luckily, Lila found another man in Jonas, and Jonas opened her up to another side of her personality. Jonas regularly gives Lila mohawks and mullets. Sometimes, he shaves her completely. Lila doesn't seem to mind, and in fact, SHE LOVES IT.
Buster's health deteriorated and he passed away this past winter. This dog was there with my sister through thick and thin, more than I was. He was wonderful.
Lila didn't take to her new "only child" status too well. She was scared. She would cry out loudly when no one was home. Julie decided to take her to Doggy Day Care, so that the neighbors wouldn't complain anymore.
Lila, the nervous wreck, shockingly embraced Doggy Day Care as if it was her own Hedonism Resort. Julie peaked into the main room after dropping the girl off, and Lila was prancing around the other dogs, flirting, and eventually getting gang raped. Lila came home exhausted from her Jasmin St. Clairesque Doggy Day Care marathon. The powers that be at Doggy Day Care seperated the big dogs from the little dogs to avoid any violence. Lila, the 10 lb. slut, was a size queen. She stared longingly at the big dogs, wanting some Dobermanplay.
We just found out that Lila has bladder cancer, and she doesn't have much longer.
I am hurting right now, because I might not get to see her to say goodbye.
I am hurting more for Julie, who has had a really hard year in the pet department after Buster's passing.
And I am hurting for Lila, who I hope, as things get worse, doesn't suffer anything like the imaginary traumas that made her who she is.
I've loved all of the dogs that I've had in my life: Marty, Buster, Tallulah, Raoul...I love Denise's cat Gunter/Blanche (the dual names is another story for another time), I've (sort of) loved my cat Diogenes (he HATED my family), I've loved my hamsters Larry and Stan (although I didn't love them enough to realize that the sun coming through the skylight would roast them to death), I loved my fish, NoNoYesYes (even though he committed suicide by tossing himself out of the fish tank in 1978)...I've loved them all...but Lila means more to me than most people in my life.
I love this dog so much.
Lila's early life was not easy. I don't know the details, but she was apparently abused by some incredibly awful human being(s).
Lila came into my family's life when my sister Julie brought her home from a shelter in the early 2000s. My sister and I had a house in Cape St. Claire that we shared with Julie's big beagle/hound Buster.
Lila looked like a tiny, female version of Buster. Buster handled the new arrival with his usual quiet cool. He didn't really seek out Lila for fun and games, but he didn't exactly push her away when she cleaned out his ears/eyes. (Julie claimed that Buster had a passive aggressive resentment towards Lila, and it would manifest itself late at night, where Buster would sneak into the living room, tighten his anus, and squeeze out tiny shits that would make it look like Lila was being bad. This theory is still my favorite in the history of theories.)
Lila was a nervous, shaking wreck for months after she became part of our lives. Knocks on the door, sudden movements, people outside, and visitors would have her either barking or shaking and squatting. It took her a month or two to get to where she didn't bark when I walked in the room.
She warmed up to me. And did she ever.
I don't even remember how smooth the transition was, but Lila went from being completely terrified of me to being my overprotective crazy whore bitch. Women that came over and sat next to me on the couch were often pissed on by Lila. She scared them all away.
On days when I was doing nothing but watching TV (which was often back then), Lila would climb up on the couch, sit next to me, and lick my elbows with a furious passion. Lila's head would turn from side to side as she licked my (apparently delicious) elbows. She would maintain eye contact the whole time. She was like a porn star, but she was a dog, and these were elbows, not penii. It was incredibly entertaining to my sister and I. (Buster always turned the other way or closed his eyes)
When I wasn't getting my elbows cleaned/drenched in LilaSaliva, I'd fire up some microwave popcorn for myself to devour while I sat on my ass and watched even more television. Lila would inevitably climb onto the couch, sit next to me, look politely into my eyes and wait for me to offer her a piece of popcorn. I'd give her one, eat some myself, feed Lila some more, and it was like being in a movie theater. Man's best friend.
The fact that Lila loved popcorn was funny, because she didn't really like her dog food, didn't really eat snacks, didn't like walking on tile or cement, etc. She was neurotic alright, but over the years, we've learned that her neuroses are nuanced...She would act all dainty when we tried to get her to walk on tile to get from one carpeted surface to another, lifting her paw in the air, teasing the ground surface to make sure it was safe for a few minutes, before sprinting across to get to the comfort of the carpet.
One night, Julie caught a glimpse of the real Lila, who was standing and casually walking on the tile when she thought no one was watching...(when she saw Julie, she scrambled to the carpet and got in LilaSquat position.)
I eventually got my own apartment, but would often come back to visit Julie, Buster and Lila. Buster would say hello and then chill, Julie and I would hang out, and Lila was right back on my attention needing elbows the whole time.
Julie, the dogs and Jonas--my brother from another--moved to Chicago about 5 years ago, which was very difficult for me. Luckily, Lila found another man in Jonas, and Jonas opened her up to another side of her personality. Jonas regularly gives Lila mohawks and mullets. Sometimes, he shaves her completely. Lila doesn't seem to mind, and in fact, SHE LOVES IT.
Buster's health deteriorated and he passed away this past winter. This dog was there with my sister through thick and thin, more than I was. He was wonderful.
Lila didn't take to her new "only child" status too well. She was scared. She would cry out loudly when no one was home. Julie decided to take her to Doggy Day Care, so that the neighbors wouldn't complain anymore.
Lila, the nervous wreck, shockingly embraced Doggy Day Care as if it was her own Hedonism Resort. Julie peaked into the main room after dropping the girl off, and Lila was prancing around the other dogs, flirting, and eventually getting gang raped. Lila came home exhausted from her Jasmin St. Clairesque Doggy Day Care marathon. The powers that be at Doggy Day Care seperated the big dogs from the little dogs to avoid any violence. Lila, the 10 lb. slut, was a size queen. She stared longingly at the big dogs, wanting some Dobermanplay.
We just found out that Lila has bladder cancer, and she doesn't have much longer.
I am hurting right now, because I might not get to see her to say goodbye.
I am hurting more for Julie, who has had a really hard year in the pet department after Buster's passing.
And I am hurting for Lila, who I hope, as things get worse, doesn't suffer anything like the imaginary traumas that made her who she is.
I've loved all of the dogs that I've had in my life: Marty, Buster, Tallulah, Raoul...I love Denise's cat Gunter/Blanche (the dual names is another story for another time), I've (sort of) loved my cat Diogenes (he HATED my family), I've loved my hamsters Larry and Stan (although I didn't love them enough to realize that the sun coming through the skylight would roast them to death), I loved my fish, NoNoYesYes (even though he committed suicide by tossing himself out of the fish tank in 1978)...I've loved them all...but Lila means more to me than most people in my life.
I love this dog so much.
Saturday, October 01, 2011
The Mall Pt. 1
I'm in an abandoned 80s small town mall. The stores don't have names, per se, just lists of the products they sell...PIZZA, CANDY, DOLLS, NEWS, etc.
It smells like 1981. I feel like 2011.
Everyone looks dirty.
The boys all have peachfuzz moustaches and camouflage bandanas wrapped around their heads. The girls all have Esprit clothing, pink lip gloss, and Molly Ringwald hairdos, which are available for $4.50 at HAIR SALON.
There's a boy standing next to me, looking up at me. He asks me to explain everything. The boy is the 1981 version of me, but with a 2011 brain.
"What is RECORD STORE?", he asks.
I explain to him that they sell music.
He wanders in, grabs REO Speedwagon's Hi Fidelity LP and laughs at how large it is.
"How do you listen to these things? Are they computers?? Do you really get every song on here for $4.99??"
I try to explain the whole vinyl etched groove thing, and I end up confusing both of us.
As we walk out, 6 year old Adam turns to the clerk and yells "Fuck REO Speedwagon in it's vaginal asshole!"
I like this kid's style.
(Next: I have to explain to him that the Jordache Look was actually appealing.)
It smells like 1981. I feel like 2011.
Everyone looks dirty.
The boys all have peachfuzz moustaches and camouflage bandanas wrapped around their heads. The girls all have Esprit clothing, pink lip gloss, and Molly Ringwald hairdos, which are available for $4.50 at HAIR SALON.
There's a boy standing next to me, looking up at me. He asks me to explain everything. The boy is the 1981 version of me, but with a 2011 brain.
"What is RECORD STORE?", he asks.
I explain to him that they sell music.
He wanders in, grabs REO Speedwagon's Hi Fidelity LP and laughs at how large it is.
"How do you listen to these things? Are they computers?? Do you really get every song on here for $4.99??"
I try to explain the whole vinyl etched groove thing, and I end up confusing both of us.
As we walk out, 6 year old Adam turns to the clerk and yells "Fuck REO Speedwagon in it's vaginal asshole!"
I like this kid's style.
(Next: I have to explain to him that the Jordache Look was actually appealing.)
Thursday, May 05, 2011
MORE CORN PORNER (PORE CORN MORNER?) TOP GUNS REVIEW CONT. (CUNT.?)
After being fucked to sleep by Boo at the bar, the male Private is forced to stand naked in front of his commander...who is not amused. The shame!
Next up, we see the men in their locker room, ready to head out and fly around and do stupid war game-y shit...one dude returns to grab his helmet...and much to his surprise, who should appear but HOLLYWOOD! Hollywood asks him: "Do you believe in deep burning sexual attraction? You know the kind you can only describe as...primal? Uncontrollable? Real?" in a cadence that sounds like she's reading copy for a shampoo commercial..."Do you hate dandruff flakes? You know, the kind that change the color of your black shirt? Powdery? White? Flaky?".
You know the voice.
Anyway, shocker of all shocks, she has come to seduce this big dumb goof. And he really is a big dumb goof. Or at least a good actor playing a big dumb goof. She hands him her panties, and tells him to think of her when he feels attraction...She is about to walk out, but says "Oh I forgot one thing"...and grabs him and kisses him...this, while not at all vulgar or sexually unusual, is an incredibly hot move. Next time you are about to leave a room, try it out on someone in the room. I double dare you to take the physical challenge. The music is a sax filled knock off of Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" from the Original Soundtrack of Top Gun.
Hollywood is played by an actress named Kayden Kross, who looks a bit like Stacy Kiebler. I went to college with Stacy Kiebler by the way.
But enough about me.
Let's talk about Kayden "Hollywood" Kross, because she is about to steal the whole f'n movie.
While Private Dumbass performs the mouth sex on her, we witness Hollywood go into an incredible trance where her voice gets really soft, and she talks dirty a mile a minute. Because she is barely audible, all that can be heard are the occasional excited stream of consonents and vowels. At some points, it sounds as if she is rapidly, quietly, naming the items on her grocery store list in some bizarre form of ecstatic whispering/speaking in tongues. {"oregano, klondike bars, glad trash bags, oh my god i need them, i need to get superpretzel, fanta, pollyo string cheese, virginia baked ham....oh god OHHHH"} This is fantastic, because we know that she's not going through the motions and faking it. Porn is her religion, and she is getting all Southern Baptist, sexually speaking. {"Alpha bits, tender vittles, popsecret, charmin, laura's lean ground beef oh fuck me with your yoplait, pam spray OHGOD OHGOD OH YES"} Sometimes, her mouth moves and no sound comes out. This woman has singlehandedly taken over the movie. This is akin to Michael Jackson moonwalking for the first time at the Motown 25 show. Things will never be the same again after seeing it. {"Bacon bits, alpo, weekly world news, suave shampoo, grape nuts ohyesyesyesYESYES"} She returns the mouth favor to him (yawn...after her showing, I want to hear more of her rapid whisper crazy talk...blowjobs serve only to silence her!) The car horn sound effect from the classroom sex scene makes a random return again. Lots of traffic in Miramar, apparently. We get some hard doggie, which leads to more awesome Kayden Kross whisperbabble. Also, in a brilliant little touch, Hollywood bites into her own bicep while taking the pounding.
Kayden assumes the reverse cowgirl position, and her dogtags bounce as she babbles inaudibly in between sexual hyperventilating. "Ineedthisineedthisineedthisineedthis", says Hollywood, in an uzi-like whisper. (If it seems like I'm dwelling too much on this woman's technique, screw you, you haven't seen it. It's stellar.)
The two lovebirds finish up in the one ankle on his shoulder position. "Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck", says Hollywood...also "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit". He then finishes on her face. Scene.
Because Dumbass missed his flying routine, he and his flying buddy get DQ'd from the competition by the Australian Commander.
Bandit and Hollywood are informed that they are tied for the lead. How does this class/school work? Is it a fucking game show? Why are they competing against one another? Anyway, Hollywood wishes Bandit good luck, which is really sweet after the whole bardick trash talking schtick at the beginning of this movie. "May the best man win" says Hollywood, sincerely. "Oh, I will" says Bandit. Way to ruin a tender moment, Bandit.
We get yet another flying sequence...the fuck was the budget on this movie? Porn has come a long way, baby. I miss the shadows, the sweat, the Valley, the 80s, the coke, etc. The girls, while going through their fake war simulations, all of the sudden have to deal with ACTUAL INVADING WARPLANES~! Their instructions: "Shoot first, ask questions later". THE DRAMA! The men look on from the hangar, concerned for their classmates. The tension is palpable. Bandit fires away and destroys an enemy plane. Another enemy plane emerges! Hollywood does some Schwarzenegger-esque trash talking before wasting those evil foreigners! YAY GIRLS, YAY USA! The guys at the hangar cheer...Gunt and Spice are there also, relieved. Bandit: "That's how you fly, BITCHES!!!" What a wonderful day in American History this was.
The boys compliment the girls on having "big balls", and then they invite them out for some celebratory beers. The girls have something else they need to do before going to the bar...
How do you celebrate successfully fighting off an unexpected invasion while you happen to be practicing for just such an event? With a hangar orgy fuckfest. (By the way, you may have notied that I'm cursing a lot more at this point in the Porner than usual. I pride myself on being enough of an artist to write these reviews with the minimal amount of swearing/vulgarities possible. In this case, this movie is currently at the 2 hour mark, which is an eternity, especially since this is the second time I've seen this. The first time, I was with the love of my life, so I had no stress in the world. She's not here now, and there's a lot of pressure to keep writing this, so, therefore... fuck shit cunt asshole tits in your rectum. Understand?)
The girls seduce Gunt (or is it Gunman? Guntman?)...Guitars kick in, and we have a 5 girl, one man- hard rockin' insanely paced orgy. Usually in porn, it's two people per scene, and they work at a slooowwww passionless pace. This scene is helter skelter...with all of the characters involved, it's hard to keep track of what's going where on who, who's moaning, etc....the quick edits don't help/hurt, either...This is how you celebrate a good day at the office, kids. And this is how you film a crazy fun groupsex scene. You know how on the Fourth of July, the last 5 minutes of fireworks are breathtakingly intense? This scene takes that principle and applies it to 15 plus minutes of 5 way lovin'. A menage a cinco. I'm not even going to attempt to do a blow by blow (wink wink) account of what occurs. It's sexual, it's sharing, it's what America is all about.
This would have been the perfect conclusion to this movie, but no, this is the Doctor Zhivago of adult cinema we are talking about here, so THERE'S MORE.
More for me to review.
Cocks, Nipples, Asses, SHITPISSVAGINANUTHELL.
Vegas and the Commander reunite to settle their bet about who would win, boys or girls. The Aussie Commander declares it "a victory for women across the nation". Gloria Steinheim and/or Gloria Allred would be thrilled. You'll never guess what happens next. Ok, yes you will....The Commander comes out from behind his desk...he asks Vegas if she'd like to join him for a drink in the Officers' Club...Vegas tells him she was hoping for something a little more private...she kisses him...he informs her that he's a Commander, not a Private...puns are sexy...she says "aye aye"...hot...they kiss again...he gropes her breast...he makes room on his desk for her to sit down...he takes off her jacket...they kiss passionately throughout...he pulls her tank top up over her breasts....he takes off her jeans...he bites and sucks on her nipples like a hungry man....she moans...dot dot dot...he takes his shirt off...she groans...he performs cunnilingus on her...on top of his desk size monthly planner...she is very vocal in her approval...he tries to suck her uterus out with his mouth...this goes on and on...she has nice chesticles...they kiss...she pulls down his pants...she licks his deformed penis...the dude has two large warts/bumps on the head of his penis...it's weird looking, but I'll bet she's going to REALLY like this oddity in a few minutes...an Aussie tickler?...she spits on his penis while sucking it, which is something that is always dirty/hot/great...she has pride in her work...she sucks on his scrot...she chokes herself on his stuff...she groans and moans throughout...dog tags jingle...she sits herself down on top of him, facing outward...she rubs her clit while riding...there are smacking noises...he grabs her waist and bounces her up and down HARD onto him...she is making a lot of noise here...he bends her over the desk...smack smack smack...he falls out a couple of times...he drills the hell out of her...he lays her on top of the desk...he gets on top...he grabs her arm...pumping back and forth...she rubs her clit...he sets her perpendicular to him...and jackhammers away...He hooks her leg and arm in a modified half nelson, in that his penis is slamming into her vagina, he is slapping her tit AND has her arm and leg hooked with his arm...he smacks her other tit 3 times for good measure...he yanks her up...she rides him...he smacks her ass...her ass is bruised and battered...he bangs up into her...he slams her up and down onto him...he then takes matters into his own hands (literally) and Jackson Pollocks her face, hair, and his nearby leather office sofa that was bought with your American tax dollars.
We see the girls getting their medals and getting congrats from the Commander. The Commander and Gunt agree to buy beers for the whole class...and the movie FINALLY is over.
One last note: the first credit to appear at the end: "Production Manager, BRAH BONES". See, it's not only the on screen talent who pick great pseudonyms.
This was an epic. I'm exhausted. I'm shutting down the Porner until my refractory period is over...until that time...any comments, questions, requests or anything are always welcome...adamannapolis@gmail.com...thank you for joining me for this James Michener-esque version of Corn Porner...dot dot dot...
Next up, we see the men in their locker room, ready to head out and fly around and do stupid war game-y shit...one dude returns to grab his helmet...and much to his surprise, who should appear but HOLLYWOOD! Hollywood asks him: "Do you believe in deep burning sexual attraction? You know the kind you can only describe as...primal? Uncontrollable? Real?" in a cadence that sounds like she's reading copy for a shampoo commercial..."Do you hate dandruff flakes? You know, the kind that change the color of your black shirt? Powdery? White? Flaky?".
You know the voice.
Anyway, shocker of all shocks, she has come to seduce this big dumb goof. And he really is a big dumb goof. Or at least a good actor playing a big dumb goof. She hands him her panties, and tells him to think of her when he feels attraction...She is about to walk out, but says "Oh I forgot one thing"...and grabs him and kisses him...this, while not at all vulgar or sexually unusual, is an incredibly hot move. Next time you are about to leave a room, try it out on someone in the room. I double dare you to take the physical challenge. The music is a sax filled knock off of Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" from the Original Soundtrack of Top Gun.
Hollywood is played by an actress named Kayden Kross, who looks a bit like Stacy Kiebler. I went to college with Stacy Kiebler by the way.
But enough about me.
Let's talk about Kayden "Hollywood" Kross, because she is about to steal the whole f'n movie.
While Private Dumbass performs the mouth sex on her, we witness Hollywood go into an incredible trance where her voice gets really soft, and she talks dirty a mile a minute. Because she is barely audible, all that can be heard are the occasional excited stream of consonents and vowels. At some points, it sounds as if she is rapidly, quietly, naming the items on her grocery store list in some bizarre form of ecstatic whispering/speaking in tongues. {"oregano, klondike bars, glad trash bags, oh my god i need them, i need to get superpretzel, fanta, pollyo string cheese, virginia baked ham....oh god OHHHH"} This is fantastic, because we know that she's not going through the motions and faking it. Porn is her religion, and she is getting all Southern Baptist, sexually speaking. {"Alpha bits, tender vittles, popsecret, charmin, laura's lean ground beef oh fuck me with your yoplait, pam spray OHGOD OHGOD OH YES"} Sometimes, her mouth moves and no sound comes out. This woman has singlehandedly taken over the movie. This is akin to Michael Jackson moonwalking for the first time at the Motown 25 show. Things will never be the same again after seeing it. {"Bacon bits, alpo, weekly world news, suave shampoo, grape nuts ohyesyesyesYESYES"} She returns the mouth favor to him (yawn...after her showing, I want to hear more of her rapid whisper crazy talk...blowjobs serve only to silence her!) The car horn sound effect from the classroom sex scene makes a random return again. Lots of traffic in Miramar, apparently. We get some hard doggie, which leads to more awesome Kayden Kross whisperbabble. Also, in a brilliant little touch, Hollywood bites into her own bicep while taking the pounding.
Kayden assumes the reverse cowgirl position, and her dogtags bounce as she babbles inaudibly in between sexual hyperventilating. "Ineedthisineedthisineedthisineedthis", says Hollywood, in an uzi-like whisper. (If it seems like I'm dwelling too much on this woman's technique, screw you, you haven't seen it. It's stellar.)
The two lovebirds finish up in the one ankle on his shoulder position. "Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck", says Hollywood...also "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit". He then finishes on her face. Scene.
Because Dumbass missed his flying routine, he and his flying buddy get DQ'd from the competition by the Australian Commander.
Bandit and Hollywood are informed that they are tied for the lead. How does this class/school work? Is it a fucking game show? Why are they competing against one another? Anyway, Hollywood wishes Bandit good luck, which is really sweet after the whole bardick trash talking schtick at the beginning of this movie. "May the best man win" says Hollywood, sincerely. "Oh, I will" says Bandit. Way to ruin a tender moment, Bandit.
We get yet another flying sequence...the fuck was the budget on this movie? Porn has come a long way, baby. I miss the shadows, the sweat, the Valley, the 80s, the coke, etc. The girls, while going through their fake war simulations, all of the sudden have to deal with ACTUAL INVADING WARPLANES~! Their instructions: "Shoot first, ask questions later". THE DRAMA! The men look on from the hangar, concerned for their classmates. The tension is palpable. Bandit fires away and destroys an enemy plane. Another enemy plane emerges! Hollywood does some Schwarzenegger-esque trash talking before wasting those evil foreigners! YAY GIRLS, YAY USA! The guys at the hangar cheer...Gunt and Spice are there also, relieved. Bandit: "That's how you fly, BITCHES!!!" What a wonderful day in American History this was.
The boys compliment the girls on having "big balls", and then they invite them out for some celebratory beers. The girls have something else they need to do before going to the bar...
How do you celebrate successfully fighting off an unexpected invasion while you happen to be practicing for just such an event? With a hangar orgy fuckfest. (By the way, you may have notied that I'm cursing a lot more at this point in the Porner than usual. I pride myself on being enough of an artist to write these reviews with the minimal amount of swearing/vulgarities possible. In this case, this movie is currently at the 2 hour mark, which is an eternity, especially since this is the second time I've seen this. The first time, I was with the love of my life, so I had no stress in the world. She's not here now, and there's a lot of pressure to keep writing this, so, therefore... fuck shit cunt asshole tits in your rectum. Understand?)
The girls seduce Gunt (or is it Gunman? Guntman?)...Guitars kick in, and we have a 5 girl, one man- hard rockin' insanely paced orgy. Usually in porn, it's two people per scene, and they work at a slooowwww passionless pace. This scene is helter skelter...with all of the characters involved, it's hard to keep track of what's going where on who, who's moaning, etc....the quick edits don't help/hurt, either...This is how you celebrate a good day at the office, kids. And this is how you film a crazy fun groupsex scene. You know how on the Fourth of July, the last 5 minutes of fireworks are breathtakingly intense? This scene takes that principle and applies it to 15 plus minutes of 5 way lovin'. A menage a cinco. I'm not even going to attempt to do a blow by blow (wink wink) account of what occurs. It's sexual, it's sharing, it's what America is all about.
This would have been the perfect conclusion to this movie, but no, this is the Doctor Zhivago of adult cinema we are talking about here, so THERE'S MORE.
More for me to review.
Cocks, Nipples, Asses, SHITPISSVAGINANUTHELL.
Vegas and the Commander reunite to settle their bet about who would win, boys or girls. The Aussie Commander declares it "a victory for women across the nation". Gloria Steinheim and/or Gloria Allred would be thrilled. You'll never guess what happens next. Ok, yes you will....The Commander comes out from behind his desk...he asks Vegas if she'd like to join him for a drink in the Officers' Club...Vegas tells him she was hoping for something a little more private...she kisses him...he informs her that he's a Commander, not a Private...puns are sexy...she says "aye aye"...hot...they kiss again...he gropes her breast...he makes room on his desk for her to sit down...he takes off her jacket...they kiss passionately throughout...he pulls her tank top up over her breasts....he takes off her jeans...he bites and sucks on her nipples like a hungry man....she moans...dot dot dot...he takes his shirt off...she groans...he performs cunnilingus on her...on top of his desk size monthly planner...she is very vocal in her approval...he tries to suck her uterus out with his mouth...this goes on and on...she has nice chesticles...they kiss...she pulls down his pants...she licks his deformed penis...the dude has two large warts/bumps on the head of his penis...it's weird looking, but I'll bet she's going to REALLY like this oddity in a few minutes...an Aussie tickler?...she spits on his penis while sucking it, which is something that is always dirty/hot/great...she has pride in her work...she sucks on his scrot...she chokes herself on his stuff...she groans and moans throughout...dog tags jingle...she sits herself down on top of him, facing outward...she rubs her clit while riding...there are smacking noises...he grabs her waist and bounces her up and down HARD onto him...she is making a lot of noise here...he bends her over the desk...smack smack smack...he falls out a couple of times...he drills the hell out of her...he lays her on top of the desk...he gets on top...he grabs her arm...pumping back and forth...she rubs her clit...he sets her perpendicular to him...and jackhammers away...He hooks her leg and arm in a modified half nelson, in that his penis is slamming into her vagina, he is slapping her tit AND has her arm and leg hooked with his arm...he smacks her other tit 3 times for good measure...he yanks her up...she rides him...he smacks her ass...her ass is bruised and battered...he bangs up into her...he slams her up and down onto him...he then takes matters into his own hands (literally) and Jackson Pollocks her face, hair, and his nearby leather office sofa that was bought with your American tax dollars.
We see the girls getting their medals and getting congrats from the Commander. The Commander and Gunt agree to buy beers for the whole class...and the movie FINALLY is over.
One last note: the first credit to appear at the end: "Production Manager, BRAH BONES". See, it's not only the on screen talent who pick great pseudonyms.
This was an epic. I'm exhausted. I'm shutting down the Porner until my refractory period is over...until that time...any comments, questions, requests or anything are always welcome...adamannapolis@gmail.com...thank you for joining me for this James Michener-esque version of Corn Porner...dot dot dot...
Sunday, May 01, 2011
CORN PORNER: TOP GUNS XXX (2011) -- PART ONE
Hey There Ladies! This is A Very Special Edition of Corn Porner for all the ladies out there...so drop those jeans, and flick those beans...because it's time once again for... CORN PORNER~!
In this porner...a 2011 production called Top Guns, which is a remake of a 1986 big budget Jerry Bruckheimer movie about a closeted homosexual (who is actually the Jesus figure in his science-fiction based religion) flying his plane and killing foreign folk while getting it on with his closeted homosexual female instructor, or something like that. (Don't sue me, sensitive Scientologists and/or Kelly McGillis...) With the exception of the fighter plane instruction school set up, this film does not much resemble the original, instead enhancing the plot by making it a feminist inspirational film, where the girls prove that they are better than the guys.
No Kenny Loggins in this film at all (thankfully!!)...so let's do this thing:
We start with some unusually good special effects (unusually good for stroke flicks, that is) showing Styles and Papa (boys) flying competitively against Bandit and Boo (girls). The girls do all kinds of wacky flying formations to show the guys up...breaking all the flight school rules and, just like in the original, I have no idea what the fuck is going on, nor do I care...planes, flippydos, cursing, trash talking, etc...(where's the sex?)
The girls "win", and then get yelled at by their superior officer for "breaking the rules". By doing this he informs them, they have earned a chance to be "the best Naval aviators God has ever seen". I'm pretty sure that God A) doesn't pay special attention to Naval aviators, and B) doesn't rank them higher if they are more successful at killing people than their fellow flight school pupils/colleagues and, of course, C) doesn't watch porn regularly. (But he does read my blog)
The girls ride their motorcycles to TOP GUNS Flight School in Miramar, California. (Miramar spelled backwards is Ram-a-rim, which coincidentally, becomes a regular act in some scenes later in the film. This is called VERY subliminal foreshadowing).
The girls talk trash with a gum chewing classmate named Hollywood, who is the female equivalent of Val Kilmer from the original movie. I just realized that Val is actually a girl's name. Why I never noticed this before is not important at the moment. The head instructor, Commander Jensen, starts giving his spiel with a very thick Australian accent, which seems odd for an AMERICAN NAVAL OFFICER. I guess they couldn't find any American porn actors to play this part? Still, this seems like a huge casting oversight.
The lead "dogfighting" instructor, named Gunt (!!!) gives a one sentence introduction. He is tan, greasy looking, and I feel like I should know who he is, but I don't.
The guys in the class diss the girls with some stupid sexist cliches about cooking and cleaning, etc...IN A PORNO MOVIE, NO LESS! This is a battle of the sexes, and as usual in these battles, the men come off like mouthbreathing morons, and the girls come off as extremely irritating with their "Woo hoo! Girl power!, You go girl!" bonding schtick.
I hate everyone.
We meet Vegas, who is a civilian female instructor of some kind, who flirts with Crocodile Jensen because he doubts that women can be effective fighter pilots. We will see these two coit later on...much later on.
(I just paused the film, and it turns out that this is 152 minutes long. 2 1/2 hours. Of my life.)
We also meet Spice, who looks like Lisa Bonet and sounds like a cheap Hispanic prostitute. She is the Naval Aeronautics Engineer, of course. Just like my grandfather!
The students all gather at a local bar. Boo and Bandit (both girls, in case you are trying to follow along) bond and are annoying. They talk shit with their fellow female classmates, Mystery
and the aforementioned Hollywood.
One of the male students sings a few notes of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" to our little blonde cutie hero Bandit before getting cut off (they shockingly didn't have the rights to the Righteous Brothers song). "Why don't you stop being a fag and show me what a man you are?", asks Bandit. I normally would cringe at the unnecessary homophobia, but this is a military school, and a psychological gender battle, plus, this is not based on a true story (as far as I know)....These two go at it all over the bar bathroom sink in the usual porn pattern (kiss, get naked, cunnilingus, fellatio, sex in various positions on the sink, add rinse repeat, coitus interruptus) This scene goes on for a good 15 minutes, and really, that's not good because A) 15 minutes is way too long for a bathroom quickie and B) why is no one else trying to use the restroom? I can't suspend disbelief this long. Also, it wasn't all that exciting.
"Don't be all don on yourself"- Spice tells the girls, trying to make them feel better about how they are doing versus the boys. Don=Down.
The men bond about how lame the chicks are, and then taunt them in the stariwell.
It turns out that the guy that Bandit fucked is Hollywood's ex. Bandit explains that she didn't know this when she fucked him, so Hollywood shouldn't be mad. Hollywood informs her "I don't get mad over bar-dick". Best line of the movie so far.
The volleyball scene! Many a pubescent girl moistened their cotton panties to the all male sweatfest scene in the Bruckheimer version. Here we get a BATTLE OF THE SEXES game, complete with a song by an unidentified Survivor/Toto knockoff. The boys win and bond like annoying fuckheads while taunting the girls.
(We are 40 minutes in, and there's been one WAY TOOO LOOONG sex scene, and not much else. This Porner is seriously lacking in Corn.)
In the girls locker room, the 4 girls, with the help of their female commander, Vegas, decide to put their personal differences aside, and use their excellent flying skills to beat the boys. They also decide to use their bodies to do this, so don't expect this to be a NOW endorsed film.
More flying crap with trashtalking and confusing dynamics. What is the point of all of this wargame crap? Why am I supposed to know this? Donde esta el bangbang?
Big dumb meathead #2, a/k/a Papa, is in the classroom studying when a fellow student, Mystery, an Anne Hathwaway lookalike comes in looking to seduce him. Again, this man has an Australian accent. In an impressive display of David Blaine like ESP, first she guesses what number he's thinking of, and then she guesses that he wants to taste her. Between her legs, she looks more like Robin Williams' arms than Anne Hathaways face. I guess this is a great way to stand out from the modern porn pack. This girl is pale, thin, and unshaven, which is a 2/3 description of me. He eats from the bushy bowl. Rachel Getting Harried, anyone? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. Mystery Hathaway climaxes eventually, before working this foreigner/American's lovestick with her mouth. This girl makes some great sex faces, btw. The Devil Wears a BIG HAIRY BUSH, AMIRITE? While enjoying her afterschool lunch, she maintains eye contact, which is HOT AND RECOMMENDED. Her food goes down the wrong way a few times, which causes her to choke. "Do you like it when I choke when I'm sucking your cock? Yeah? You like that Papa?" Great line reading, here. Eventually, they switch to straight up coitus as cars honk in the background, for no reason at all. Must have been visiting day at the school. Homecumming???? (Buhbum, pishhhhh.) These two kiss romantically as Papa appears to actually reverse evolve back into some form of Ape/Human hybrid. Australopethecis Pornstaraus? He turns her around and begins slamming in from behind...He makes ape noises, while she groans and laughs like a nasty, dirty girl. Hairy Hathaway is a star. Papa explodes all over her face, and they live happily ever after.
After draining him of all of his lovebatter, she looks up at him with a smile and coos "Good Boy" in a strange, supposedly sexy voice.
Next up, we see the students back in class getting back their written test results while the instructor makes comments to each student about their grade. This, by the way, has never happened in any real life school setting, but is a device used in film/TV/adult entertainment to establish who is smart and who is dumb in a classroom. The jist of this scene is: the girls are kicking ass in class, and the boys are failing.
On her way out of class, Boo drops a note on the desk of her male classmate. Next thing we know, he is in a bar, drinking beers, and she comes in, offers him a lapdance, takes off her uniform, and they are ready for action...in an empty bar, no less, where we hear more offerings from the Toto/Survivor knockoff band. Through the power of his mouth and fingers, he makes Boo explode into a dripping mess while leaning against a pole. (Bet you've never read that sentence before.) Boo takes on the role of oral giver (BAR-DICK~!), all the while moaning in a weird baby girl voice. She's cute, so it works. As she gags herself on his stuff, she then takes her white saliva strings and ties them back around his base in a very strange form of a constriction knot, and returns to throating him. I believe this is called "the Santa Monica Technique". His stick is bent upwards, btw. He bends her over a bar stool and drills her from behind with his angled babymaking organ. {I wish more bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} As he bangs in hard, Boo says "yes" with each stroke, which creates a great rhythmic dance tune. Sing along if you know the words: "YESYESYESYESYES". All the while, shitty 80s rock knockoffs play over the bar soundsystem. {I wish fewer bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} He turns her to face him, pounds away, and (SPOILER ALERT), he sprays all over her stomach. They then kiss slowly and romantically, which is quite touching. We see Boo leave while the man is passed out on the floor of the bar. Cue the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner!
In this porner...a 2011 production called Top Guns, which is a remake of a 1986 big budget Jerry Bruckheimer movie about a closeted homosexual (who is actually the Jesus figure in his science-fiction based religion) flying his plane and killing foreign folk while getting it on with his closeted homosexual female instructor, or something like that. (Don't sue me, sensitive Scientologists and/or Kelly McGillis...) With the exception of the fighter plane instruction school set up, this film does not much resemble the original, instead enhancing the plot by making it a feminist inspirational film, where the girls prove that they are better than the guys.
No Kenny Loggins in this film at all (thankfully!!)...so let's do this thing:
We start with some unusually good special effects (unusually good for stroke flicks, that is) showing Styles and Papa (boys) flying competitively against Bandit and Boo (girls). The girls do all kinds of wacky flying formations to show the guys up...breaking all the flight school rules and, just like in the original, I have no idea what the fuck is going on, nor do I care...planes, flippydos, cursing, trash talking, etc...(where's the sex?)
The girls "win", and then get yelled at by their superior officer for "breaking the rules". By doing this he informs them, they have earned a chance to be "the best Naval aviators God has ever seen". I'm pretty sure that God A) doesn't pay special attention to Naval aviators, and B) doesn't rank them higher if they are more successful at killing people than their fellow flight school pupils/colleagues and, of course, C) doesn't watch porn regularly. (But he does read my blog)
The girls ride their motorcycles to TOP GUNS Flight School in Miramar, California. (Miramar spelled backwards is Ram-a-rim, which coincidentally, becomes a regular act in some scenes later in the film. This is called VERY subliminal foreshadowing).
The girls talk trash with a gum chewing classmate named Hollywood, who is the female equivalent of Val Kilmer from the original movie. I just realized that Val is actually a girl's name. Why I never noticed this before is not important at the moment. The head instructor, Commander Jensen, starts giving his spiel with a very thick Australian accent, which seems odd for an AMERICAN NAVAL OFFICER. I guess they couldn't find any American porn actors to play this part? Still, this seems like a huge casting oversight.
The lead "dogfighting" instructor, named Gunt (!!!) gives a one sentence introduction. He is tan, greasy looking, and I feel like I should know who he is, but I don't.
The guys in the class diss the girls with some stupid sexist cliches about cooking and cleaning, etc...IN A PORNO MOVIE, NO LESS! This is a battle of the sexes, and as usual in these battles, the men come off like mouthbreathing morons, and the girls come off as extremely irritating with their "Woo hoo! Girl power!, You go girl!" bonding schtick.
I hate everyone.
We meet Vegas, who is a civilian female instructor of some kind, who flirts with Crocodile Jensen because he doubts that women can be effective fighter pilots. We will see these two coit later on...much later on.
(I just paused the film, and it turns out that this is 152 minutes long. 2 1/2 hours. Of my life.)
We also meet Spice, who looks like Lisa Bonet and sounds like a cheap Hispanic prostitute. She is the Naval Aeronautics Engineer, of course. Just like my grandfather!
The students all gather at a local bar. Boo and Bandit (both girls, in case you are trying to follow along) bond and are annoying. They talk shit with their fellow female classmates, Mystery
and the aforementioned Hollywood.
One of the male students sings a few notes of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" to our little blonde cutie hero Bandit before getting cut off (they shockingly didn't have the rights to the Righteous Brothers song). "Why don't you stop being a fag and show me what a man you are?", asks Bandit. I normally would cringe at the unnecessary homophobia, but this is a military school, and a psychological gender battle, plus, this is not based on a true story (as far as I know)....These two go at it all over the bar bathroom sink in the usual porn pattern (kiss, get naked, cunnilingus, fellatio, sex in various positions on the sink, add rinse repeat, coitus interruptus) This scene goes on for a good 15 minutes, and really, that's not good because A) 15 minutes is way too long for a bathroom quickie and B) why is no one else trying to use the restroom? I can't suspend disbelief this long. Also, it wasn't all that exciting.
"Don't be all don on yourself"- Spice tells the girls, trying to make them feel better about how they are doing versus the boys. Don=Down.
The men bond about how lame the chicks are, and then taunt them in the stariwell.
It turns out that the guy that Bandit fucked is Hollywood's ex. Bandit explains that she didn't know this when she fucked him, so Hollywood shouldn't be mad. Hollywood informs her "I don't get mad over bar-dick". Best line of the movie so far.
The volleyball scene! Many a pubescent girl moistened their cotton panties to the all male sweatfest scene in the Bruckheimer version. Here we get a BATTLE OF THE SEXES game, complete with a song by an unidentified Survivor/Toto knockoff. The boys win and bond like annoying fuckheads while taunting the girls.
(We are 40 minutes in, and there's been one WAY TOOO LOOONG sex scene, and not much else. This Porner is seriously lacking in Corn.)
In the girls locker room, the 4 girls, with the help of their female commander, Vegas, decide to put their personal differences aside, and use their excellent flying skills to beat the boys. They also decide to use their bodies to do this, so don't expect this to be a NOW endorsed film.
More flying crap with trashtalking and confusing dynamics. What is the point of all of this wargame crap? Why am I supposed to know this? Donde esta el bangbang?
Big dumb meathead #2, a/k/a Papa, is in the classroom studying when a fellow student, Mystery, an Anne Hathwaway lookalike comes in looking to seduce him. Again, this man has an Australian accent. In an impressive display of David Blaine like ESP, first she guesses what number he's thinking of, and then she guesses that he wants to taste her. Between her legs, she looks more like Robin Williams' arms than Anne Hathaways face. I guess this is a great way to stand out from the modern porn pack. This girl is pale, thin, and unshaven, which is a 2/3 description of me. He eats from the bushy bowl. Rachel Getting Harried, anyone? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. Mystery Hathaway climaxes eventually, before working this foreigner/American's lovestick with her mouth. This girl makes some great sex faces, btw. The Devil Wears a BIG HAIRY BUSH, AMIRITE? While enjoying her afterschool lunch, she maintains eye contact, which is HOT AND RECOMMENDED. Her food goes down the wrong way a few times, which causes her to choke. "Do you like it when I choke when I'm sucking your cock? Yeah? You like that Papa?" Great line reading, here. Eventually, they switch to straight up coitus as cars honk in the background, for no reason at all. Must have been visiting day at the school. Homecumming???? (Buhbum, pishhhhh.) These two kiss romantically as Papa appears to actually reverse evolve back into some form of Ape/Human hybrid. Australopethecis Pornstaraus? He turns her around and begins slamming in from behind...He makes ape noises, while she groans and laughs like a nasty, dirty girl. Hairy Hathaway is a star. Papa explodes all over her face, and they live happily ever after.
After draining him of all of his lovebatter, she looks up at him with a smile and coos "Good Boy" in a strange, supposedly sexy voice.
Next up, we see the students back in class getting back their written test results while the instructor makes comments to each student about their grade. This, by the way, has never happened in any real life school setting, but is a device used in film/TV/adult entertainment to establish who is smart and who is dumb in a classroom. The jist of this scene is: the girls are kicking ass in class, and the boys are failing.
On her way out of class, Boo drops a note on the desk of her male classmate. Next thing we know, he is in a bar, drinking beers, and she comes in, offers him a lapdance, takes off her uniform, and they are ready for action...in an empty bar, no less, where we hear more offerings from the Toto/Survivor knockoff band. Through the power of his mouth and fingers, he makes Boo explode into a dripping mess while leaning against a pole. (Bet you've never read that sentence before.) Boo takes on the role of oral giver (BAR-DICK~!), all the while moaning in a weird baby girl voice. She's cute, so it works. As she gags herself on his stuff, she then takes her white saliva strings and ties them back around his base in a very strange form of a constriction knot, and returns to throating him. I believe this is called "the Santa Monica Technique". His stick is bent upwards, btw. He bends her over a bar stool and drills her from behind with his angled babymaking organ. {I wish more bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} As he bangs in hard, Boo says "yes" with each stroke, which creates a great rhythmic dance tune. Sing along if you know the words: "YESYESYESYESYES". All the while, shitty 80s rock knockoffs play over the bar soundsystem. {I wish fewer bars in Annapolis had this going on in them.} He turns her to face him, pounds away, and (SPOILER ALERT), he sprays all over her stomach. They then kiss slowly and romantically, which is quite touching. We see Boo leave while the man is passed out on the floor of the bar. Cue the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Karen Ami is nothing more than a baby girl's name
As I was leaving the gym today, a couple had a table set up in the lobby where they offered me a Wounded Warrior Gift Card. If I gave them $25 dollars, I'd get all kinds of discounts at local business: 10% off a massage at the gym, 10% off a steak at this restaurant, etc.
I think the Wounded Warrior Project is a wonderful charity, which I wish we didn't need to have. I also wish that we weren't such self-absorbed assholes that we didn't have to benefit personally in order to be coaxed into giving to a cause.
I told the woman that I'd give $25, but that I wasn't comfortable getting anything in return.
This is not about me, or anyone else who needs a fucking massage, and how sad is it that this is the kind of blackmail required for us to give something of ourselves at a time like this.
Fuck Ayn Rand in her rotting skull with my shit covered cock.
I think the Wounded Warrior Project is a wonderful charity, which I wish we didn't need to have. I also wish that we weren't such self-absorbed assholes that we didn't have to benefit personally in order to be coaxed into giving to a cause.
I told the woman that I'd give $25, but that I wasn't comfortable getting anything in return.
This is not about me, or anyone else who needs a fucking massage, and how sad is it that this is the kind of blackmail required for us to give something of ourselves at a time like this.
Fuck Ayn Rand in her rotting skull with my shit covered cock.
NBA PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS
Fuck that NCAA amateur crap that died in the early 90s. LEt's talk about the best athletes in the world, playing a boring long season which culminated in the best playoff set up where the best team actually wins every year. That was a horrible sentence, but fuck it...PREDICTIONS:
ROUND ONE:
Chicago v. Indiana- Chicago 4-1
Miami v. Philadelphia- Miami 4-2
Boston v. New York- Boston 4-3
Orlando v. Atlanta- Orlando 4-1
San Antonio v. Memphis- San Antonio 4-1
Los Angeles v. New Orleans- Los Angeles 4-0
Dallas v. Portland- Portland 4-2
Oklahoma City v. Denver- Denver 4-3
ROUND TWO:
Chicago v. Orlando- Orlando 4-2
Miami v. Boston- Boston 4-3
San Antonio v. Denver- San Antonio 4-2
Los Angeles v. Portland- Los Angeles 4-2
ROUND THREE:
Orlando v. Boston- Orlando 4-2
San Antonio v. Los Angeles- Los Angeles 4-2
FINALS:
Orlando v. Los Angeles- Los Angeles 4-1
(I hope I'm wrong)
ROUND ONE:
Chicago v. Indiana- Chicago 4-1
Miami v. Philadelphia- Miami 4-2
Boston v. New York- Boston 4-3
Orlando v. Atlanta- Orlando 4-1
San Antonio v. Memphis- San Antonio 4-1
Los Angeles v. New Orleans- Los Angeles 4-0
Dallas v. Portland- Portland 4-2
Oklahoma City v. Denver- Denver 4-3
ROUND TWO:
Chicago v. Orlando- Orlando 4-2
Miami v. Boston- Boston 4-3
San Antonio v. Denver- San Antonio 4-2
Los Angeles v. Portland- Los Angeles 4-2
ROUND THREE:
Orlando v. Boston- Orlando 4-2
San Antonio v. Los Angeles- Los Angeles 4-2
FINALS:
Orlando v. Los Angeles- Los Angeles 4-1
(I hope I'm wrong)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
BILLBOARD'S TOP 10- APRIL 10, 1982
10. Huey Lewis & The News- Do You Believe in Love?
This is my favorite Huey song, mostly because it was the first Huey song that I heard as a pop music obsessed 7 year old slightly compulsive top 40 autisitic junkie. His mike stand rock back and forth dance is as iconic as Axl's snake dance. Patrick Bateman doesn't like this one because it's "a little too new wave". Psycho. B+
9. Bertie Higgins- Key Largo
This song is completely horrible. Utter shit. If you're going to write a song about a classic movie like Casablanca, it should not be this bad. F
8. Stevie Wonder- That Girl
So great. For some reason, this one doesn't get the praise that other Stevie songs do. It's irresistable. A
7. Journey- Open Arms
The ultimate early 80s mainstream prom ballad. I put this video up because A) I admire it when men openly display their emotions like this and B) it's much better than looking at members of Journey. A-
6. Rick Springfield- Don't Talk to Strangers
This video. is. hilarious. This. song. is. not. Rick was so pouty and intense. The best part of this song is the French middle eight. B
5. Olivia Newton-John- Make A Move on Me
This song has not aged well. I can practically smell mothballs listening to it. B-
4. The J. Geils Band- Freeze Frame
Oh, how 7 year old Addypoo loved the end of this video. Dumping paint on people is the coolest! I had this on cassette. B+
3. Vangelis- Chariots of Fire-Titles
Try to picture someone running in slow motion without this song playing in your head, I DARE YOU. Gorgeous instrumental. A-
2. Go-Go's- We Got The Beat
Sure, they were cute, and this sort of rocks, but for some reason, I've never been as excited by them as I really should be. This song was best heard playing over the opening credits of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. B+
1. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts- I Love Rock 'N Roll
FUCKING ROCKS~! A+
This is my favorite Huey song, mostly because it was the first Huey song that I heard as a pop music obsessed 7 year old slightly compulsive top 40 autisitic junkie. His mike stand rock back and forth dance is as iconic as Axl's snake dance. Patrick Bateman doesn't like this one because it's "a little too new wave". Psycho. B+
9. Bertie Higgins- Key Largo
This song is completely horrible. Utter shit. If you're going to write a song about a classic movie like Casablanca, it should not be this bad. F
8. Stevie Wonder- That Girl
So great. For some reason, this one doesn't get the praise that other Stevie songs do. It's irresistable. A
7. Journey- Open Arms
The ultimate early 80s mainstream prom ballad. I put this video up because A) I admire it when men openly display their emotions like this and B) it's much better than looking at members of Journey. A-
6. Rick Springfield- Don't Talk to Strangers
This video. is. hilarious. This. song. is. not. Rick was so pouty and intense. The best part of this song is the French middle eight. B
5. Olivia Newton-John- Make A Move on Me
This song has not aged well. I can practically smell mothballs listening to it. B-
4. The J. Geils Band- Freeze Frame
Oh, how 7 year old Addypoo loved the end of this video. Dumping paint on people is the coolest! I had this on cassette. B+
3. Vangelis- Chariots of Fire-Titles
Try to picture someone running in slow motion without this song playing in your head, I DARE YOU. Gorgeous instrumental. A-
2. Go-Go's- We Got The Beat
Sure, they were cute, and this sort of rocks, but for some reason, I've never been as excited by them as I really should be. This song was best heard playing over the opening credits of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. B+
1. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts- I Love Rock 'N Roll
FUCKING ROCKS~! A+
BILLBOARD TOP TEN- APRIL 16, 2011
10. Adele- Rolling in the Deep
Great voice, really good song. A-
9. Pink- F**kin Perfect
Pink always seems like she's trying way too hard to seem "cool". Oooh, she says "fuck" on the chorus! She's got tattoos! It all comes off as fake when she does it. Her music is pretty run of the mill most of the time. She's such a rebel punk rocker, singing generic pop/rock. This video is a bit too much for my sensibilities. Oh yeah, the song is alright, but it sounds like everything else. B-
8. Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull- On the Floor
Jennifer Lopez's Ass singing dance songs. In 2011, no less. This one swipes the melody of the verses of "Macarena" of all things. If you just turn off your brain and dance, this one is quite good. B+
7. Jeremih feat. 50 Cent- Down on Me
This is pronounced "Jeremiah", as in the former bullfrog who was a good friend of mine. His parents were crappy spellers. A generic song about a girl's ass. B
6. Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes
Seriously, this is fucking stupid. C-
5. Lady Gaga- Born This Way
Everything about Lady Gaga's persona is built on her quirkiness, yet, the music itself, is completely generic shit dance pop, more or less. You'd think a talented human being who likes to wear weird crap would make music that was more interesting and captivating. This is a rip of both Madonna's "Express Yourself" and Mylene Farmer's "Libertine". Bad. C
4. Cee-Lo- F**k You
Song of the Year for 2010. A+
3. The Black Eyed Peas- Just Can't Get Enough
Bad. B-
2. Rihanna- S&M
Sad. (But hot) B
1. Katy Perry feat. Kanye West- E.T.
YAWN. Katy Perry's Boobs teaming up with Kanye West's Ego= CRAPOLA. B-
Great voice, really good song. A-
9. Pink- F**kin Perfect
Pink always seems like she's trying way too hard to seem "cool". Oooh, she says "fuck" on the chorus! She's got tattoos! It all comes off as fake when she does it. Her music is pretty run of the mill most of the time. She's such a rebel punk rocker, singing generic pop/rock. This video is a bit too much for my sensibilities. Oh yeah, the song is alright, but it sounds like everything else. B-
8. Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull- On the Floor
Jennifer Lopez's Ass singing dance songs. In 2011, no less. This one swipes the melody of the verses of "Macarena" of all things. If you just turn off your brain and dance, this one is quite good. B+
7. Jeremih feat. 50 Cent- Down on Me
This is pronounced "Jeremiah", as in the former bullfrog who was a good friend of mine. His parents were crappy spellers. A generic song about a girl's ass. B
6. Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes
Seriously, this is fucking stupid. C-
5. Lady Gaga- Born This Way
Everything about Lady Gaga's persona is built on her quirkiness, yet, the music itself, is completely generic shit dance pop, more or less. You'd think a talented human being who likes to wear weird crap would make music that was more interesting and captivating. This is a rip of both Madonna's "Express Yourself" and Mylene Farmer's "Libertine". Bad. C
4. Cee-Lo- F**k You
Song of the Year for 2010. A+
3. The Black Eyed Peas- Just Can't Get Enough
Bad. B-
2. Rihanna- S&M
Sad. (But hot) B
1. Katy Perry feat. Kanye West- E.T.
YAWN. Katy Perry's Boobs teaming up with Kanye West's Ego= CRAPOLA. B-
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